I’m F22 and have been cheated on twice in 2 different relationships. The first time I got cheated on was horrible and sent me into a year long depression since I found out he was cheating for 2 years with multiple escorts (this was like 3 years ago). Second time was hurtful but you can only go up from the first ig. I’m now in a very loving relationship with my bf who has shown no signs of cheating and knows about my past. lately most days or days when he is gone/busy, I feel as I’m going crazy with obsessive thoughts about him being not loyal. Any advice to help a gal out. For those who have gotten cheated on before how did you overcome this? 😩
Side note: I’m in therapy and have brought this up but the only thing I get is that’s it’s a normal process to feel this, talk it out with him (nothing more he can do he is AMAZING and does everything to help) it’s literally just a deep deep trauma problem that I can’t seem to shake. I hate myself for having these doubts when I do trust him but like my mind doesn’t or something
2 comments
Daily affirmations to rewrite the narrative/ belief in your mind helped me.
– I choose to forget my past and create a better future
– I am determined to become more relaxed and trusting in my loving relationship
– bf is not x, bf is loyal, kind and loving
– triggers feel more overwhelming than they actually are
Also when you have those negative thoughts/ feelings try to just observe them, acknowledge they are from your past trauma but you are safe now and they are no longer required.
Coming from a place of a lot of personal experience on this subject, I agree that you don’t want to take past trauma into a new relationship, and it is great that you are in therapy. But, if your boyfriend really cares for you he also needs to understand what you have been through and recognise what triggers you and makes you feel safe to trust again. You need to discuss VERY SPECIFIC boundaries together. As you heal and build trust these boundaries may change, they also may not. Affairs often happen with many seemingly innocent behaviours stacking up until the final moment of no return. Preservation of a relationship is built around protection and transparency. Protection is recognising that affair-proofing your relationship is about recognition and active prevention of small things that lead to affairs before they become remotely problematic. Transparency is different to honesty. Honesty waits for a question to be asked. Transparency is when partners offer up information without waiting to be asked. So discuss what works for both of you, being open with him about what you need, while allowing him some autonomy and privacy. How do you feel about him viewing pornography, talking to other girls, maintaining contact with exes or girls you know are interested, liking social media posts or pictures of other girls, being out late, sharing location, open phone policy, etc. Pose questions like, if he is at a work function and a woman scruffs his hair playfully, or rubs his back a little over-friendly, how would he react, how would like/expect him to react, etc? I am not suggesting you police him. He should not feel controlled, trapped, or suffocated and you don’t want to treat him like he is already untrustworthy. It is honestly really difficult (almost impossible) to trust again after any kind of betrayal trauma. The truth is, you never really know anyone. Trust is a choice. But you have to be smart about that choice. And the smarts come from tools like transparent communication, extensively defined boundaries, and observations over time. Most couples do not talk about boundaries and expectations in enough depth. I also think that having a secret signal/cue in social situations (parties, dinners, festivals etc) is helpful. You can do it across the room. It means we need to talk right now. He can excuse himself and connect with you somewhere more private. You can say, there are a lot of attractive women here and it is making me feel quite vulnerable, so I really need a little extra attention right now; or there is one particular woman who is clearly flirting with you and trying to engage with you and I would really prefer you to keep your distance please (men are notoriously bad at noticing subtle flirtation as anything other than a woman being friendly, but we women know!). If he really cares for you and wants to give you safety to heal, none of this will be hard for him. If this is all too much for him, then you might be incompatiable and have to start reconsidering your position. It is not his job to fix you. But it is his respinsibility to provide a safe space in the relationship. And that means different things to different people depending on our experiences. The boy that was yelled at a lot may never be ok with a raised voice from his partner, so you find healthy ways to express frustration and resolve conflict. The girl that grew up with an alcoholic father may be triggered every time her partmer drinks, so they have a 2 drink rule, and if he wants to booze out then he does it away with his mates and sleeps it off before coming home sober. You just have to work out what works for you. I’m really sorry you went through that. It completely shatters your self-confidence as well as the trust in yourself and your own judgement. I wish you healing and a beautiful safe loving relationship.