My partner and I are on holiday for the long weekend. It'll be our last chance to go away before the babies come so we headed off. Two days in, we're having a fight. I'm upset, she's upset. She's upset that we aren't engaged yet (I have a plan to propose soon, not that I'd tell her) and saying all kinds of horrible things to me, like how she's unhappy and would leave me if she wasn't pregnant. Whenever we argue (which isn't often), she gets really mean and says awful things like this, which she doesn't mean and soon takes back.
Anyway, she was upset, said the above, and also that "we're done" and she "feels nothing for me" and she "loved sucking off her ex" and that she watches a video of it to get herself off – then proceeded to shove said video in my face. I left.
I've been cheated on in every relationship, so it hurt really bad. She also knows that. I'm literally shaking just writing this and it happened a solid 8 hours ago. She came and found me an hour after and apologised, said that it's only in her deleted folder, she doesn't really watch it, she just hadn't emptied the folder and we tried to make the most of the rest of the day. I took her out to dinner, we had a good time and a nice meal and it was a good date.
The problem is, I can't get that brief 3 seconds of video out of my head. All day, every couple of minutes it pops into my head. I hate it, and I keep seeing it, on the way to dinner, at dinner, on the way back, in the elevator, and we get back to the hotel and we're still having a relatively good time. We've both apologised and we're trying to move on. We're sitting on the couch, and she tries to make a move – video pops into my head, so I disconnect. She tried again a few minutes later – video pops into my head, disconnect. Happens a few times, then I say that I'm tired, I want to have a shower and go to bed.
Shower – video. Teeth – video. Laying in bed – video. I can't sleep. I'm rolled into a ball facing the wall trying to sleep, she comes in, I say goodnight and she rolls away and says goodnight. I tell her the issue I'm having, and now she's upset with me… again… because she "shaved and put on a nice dress" all for nothing. That I'm not giving her emotionally of physically what she needs.
This is fucked. I'm out in the living room because we don't want to share the same bed. I love her, and she's pregnant with our first children (twins, 16 weeks). We spent the day shopping for prams and other baby items. I really want to spend my life with her, and she does too – at least so she says. I have no clue how to deal with this situation.
Advice in fixing this?
Edit #1: To be clear, these kids are mine – we know that for certain. We have worked out exactly when they were conceived, it was only the two of us and we were away on holiday at the time.
Edit #2: Yes, she kicked me out for one night 8 months ago – we worked through that. At the time she was still hurting from her ex and was scared to be with another guy. It was very late at night, and said ex lived over 12 hours away.
Edit #3: I would not normally describe her as immature, quite the opposite really and it's part of why I'm attracted to her in the first place. Granted, yes, her behaviour in an arguement is immature and childish. She's otherwise quite a responsible adult who frankly would make a great mother.
Edit #4: This post really exploded, thank you all for your input. It's very late, so I’ve stopped commenting, but I'm definitely reading. Thank you all again.
– P.S. A number of people with iPhone's have commented that she must be either lying about the deleted folder or something more sinister. I did not know they automatically delete after 30 days, it will certainly be a conversation point in our next interaction and calling her out on it, this definitely changes things. I simply assumed files stay there forever unless permanently deleted manually, like the recycling bin on a Windows PC. I don't own an iPhone.
– P.P.S. A number of people have suggested a pattern and an underlying mental disorder, pregnancy hormones having an effect, and the need for therapy. I think this is something to consider and would appreciate any trained advice.
Edit #5: I can't sleep, and I'm still reading all your comments, thank you. Some additional context might not go astray:
– We live in Queensland, Australia. It's currently 1:07am. Yes, I'm tired.
– We've known eachother since early highschool, and we got together romantically like 11 months ago. A bit soon to have kids? Debatable. We both felt like we were ready and it's what we wanted.
– I have updated edit #1 & edit #2 with a little more information which might help with some common questions.
46 comments
These poor children having to grow up in this dysfunctional emotionally immature environment. Just passing on the generational trauma. Sorry you are having to deal with such toxic behavior.
You have more than the video to contend with. Your real problem is that she kept the video, and if she’s willing to throw it in your face to hurt you, you better get a paternity test immediately after birth, and back out of the proposal. It’ll only get worse after you’re married if she’s doing that now
I would ask for a paternity test.
This sounds like a very toxic relationship. And postpone the proposal. She doesn’t love you if she’s doing that.
>she gets really mean and says awful things like this, which she doesn’t mean and soon takes back.
She means it. This whole post just proves she is purposely trying to hurt you.
What you do now is fucking leave her.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Do your part as a dad later, but don’t put up with this horrible person you claim to be your partner.
Edit: and the fact that she is mad at YOU for not feeling like fucking her, after she showed you the video SHE’S BEEN KEEPING FOR YEARS???
She is disgustingly vile
Edit 2: get a paternity test, you don’t know *for sure*
There’d be no coming back from that for me.
How long have y’all be together? Because I know for iPhones the items in a deleted folder only last 30 days. So if it’s been there all this time that means she keeps recovering and then deleting it to keep it there.
I’d be done. For her to show you that so mercilessly means she doesn’t give a fuck about you. There’s not going to be any way to get that video out of your head and you’re always going to be thinking about it whenever you’re around her. Damage is done. It’s time to let go because she’s obviously still hung up on her ex if she has kept that video and gets herself off with it. Huge disrespect.
She is willing to emotionally torture you and has literally no shame. Imagine a lifetime of this type of toxic behaviour. I think you know this is a big mistake. Don’t throw good money after bad, take your losses and get the heck out of there.
I would end the relationship right now. She is toxic. You can be a dad without being with her.
Yeah you picked a real good woman to make the mother of your children. Poor kids. Good luck to you. You’re going to need it.
You’re not going to get over it easily. What she did was beyond fucked up. Honestly, you’re probably better off leaving her.
Getting over a shitty ex is a lot easier than getting over being hurt by someone you love and are ** supposed** to trust. Your children are going to need your focus and they won’t get it if you’re stuck on the video.
Also, why didn’t your girlfriend delete the video after she had broken up with her ex? Did she even break up with him or did he break up with her?
I’m going to suggest the reason you keep getting cheated on is that you ignore the parade of red flags and keep “getting over” things you should never tolerate in the first place.
You just normalized her incredibly atrocious behavior by forgiving her. I think you should’ve broken up a long time ago the first time she reacted like this. Don’t marry her. I would have left a long time ago, but if you want to stay and work it out for the kids, she 100% needs individual therapy (you probably do too based on your history) and you need couples counseling. Raising kids in an environment like this is the wise thing you could do
I have a hard time believing there weren’t “signs” of any kind of dysfunction in the relationship before now. Why on earth are you having children together when you can’t even resolve conflict or communicate plans to get married? Nonetheless the childish behaviour that unfolded on your trip?
You also wrote 8 months ago she kicked you out of her house during an argument. I’m starting to think this relationship isn’t as good as you say.
I wouldn’t wish this sorta thing on even the worst of my opps
She tries to hurt you in one of the worst possible ways, succeeds, and her reaction to your pain is to get angry. Do with that information what you will.
This is very sad story. Disgusting. But you shouldnt be with a woman like that, she is very stupid. Making/keeping such videos at that age is unacceptable. This woman is not ready for a serious relationship. She has no love. I would run away from her. Don’t forget to look after your children if they are your. Im 40y old, have been married for 15y.
People like that don’t change. If she really felt bad about hurting you and saying mean things, she’d stop. She doesn’t care that she hurt you. She also seems dismissive of you and she’s mad you’re not over it fast enough. She needs to address her issues in counseling or therapy. There’s nothing you can really do.
Ok. Pregnancy hormones aside, that was way above cruel for her to do. She needs to understand just how much she hurt you and how damaging that was.
You need to walk out. At the very least until she fully understands just what she did. Get a hotel room. Limit talking to her once a day.
And yes. She means those mean things.
Jesus, take the wheel. Another day, another post on reddit about completely immature and emotionally stunted “adults” who get knocked up and bring innocent children into the whole mess.
While I feel she might be dealing with “hormones,” associated with the pregnancy, (extreme, “end of the world” reactions, irrational behavior, up-and-down emotions), what she did was really uncalled for. While you might have had a romantic plan to propose to her, I think you need to pivot to telling her what the plan WAS, since she is unnerved by the fact that you aren’t already engaged. The truth of the matter is, now you’re rethinking that proposal. As you should. Hormones or not, if someone supposedly loves you, and just because they aren’t getting their way shows you a video as offensive as that, that speaks to a level of immaturity that is incomprehensible. Unfortunately, you can’t “unsee“ that. Take a step back and give the whole marriage thing more thought. Consider counseling, as well. Especially for her. Who does that?
Shes says bad things when she’s angry, but doesn’t mean them!!!!
Brother, the mask slips when she’s angry. When people show you who they are believe them.
Youve been cheated on in every relationship? Do you think maybe just a little. You let women walk all over you?. Women don’t respect that shit and without respect there is no love and no love, no loyalty.
See you in the gym!
Based on your narrative of the situation, she is emotionally immature. My advice, don’t marry her, and settle on co-parenting. You deserve what you tolerate if you stay.
18 and a half years and you’ll be fine
She seems really toxic. She knew what she did and purposely hurt you. Plus, even if it’s in the deleted folder, the fact is she kept the video. The trust is gone.
I would end things right away. Get a paternity test and be there for the kids if they’re yours, but that’s it. You don’t owe anything to an abuser.
She’s vile for keeping the video and using it to hurt you. There’s no going back now. So get a lawyer so you can work out getting a DNA test (bc she’s not trustworthy) and get custody on paper. Do not marry her. She’s vindictive and cannot work through problems like an adult
Good luck coparenting with her though lord
Two people closer to 30 than 20 (or even 25), neither even close to being ready to be a parent. You’re both behaving like you’re 20 years old, unmarried, having babies, and scared out of your minds when you are, in fact, out of school, both employed, have enough extra money to go on a babymoon before the babies come, and you’re having fights so huge that you almost break up, she shows you a video she’s saved of her sucking off her ex, and neither of you ready to work on your relationship for any other reason than you’re having babies. She’s not even halfway through the pregnancy. What a stressful environment in which to grow babies. For both of you.
It’s a shame you’re both going to be single parents. It’s a shame for those babies. They didn’t do anything to deserve this, they just got a terrible parental draw.
Reading this is tough, pal. I can’t even imagine how you are feeling.
You sound like a good guy, and although reconciliation is the viable option, red lines are a no-way back, and this is a big thick one.
Honestly, and even it’s pregnancy/hormones in play, I don’t see why would she throw something like that at you for a normal couples disagreement (hope you didn’t anything that crossed the line).
You should consider going separate ways even if you have kids coming. Better than raising them in a broken home since there is no guarantee that shit like this won’t affect your kids at some point.
If this is real, why the hell did you impregnate this immature person? She’s a mess and you keep picking horrible women. Don’t marry her until the issues in your relationship are resolved. The both of you need individual therapy for different reasons. I feel sorry for “your” children. Updateme
My deleted folder auto-deletes anything in it after 30 days. Could very well be different on her phone but maybe you should check.
What advice do you want? You impregnated a mean, nasty, vindictive woman. Do you know what you have done to those children? What you have saddled them with as a mother? My sympathy is with them. You made this choice, they didn’t. My advice is start saving up now for the therapy that your children will definitely need.
This is an immediate deal breaker for me. The way she speaks with you is unforgiveable. The video still in her folder is unforgiveable. Her showing it to you and goading you is unforgiveable.
Your priority should be your kids.
That’s horrible. I’m so sorry. Please leave her, don’t stay for the sake of the kids because believe me, the disrespect will not stop.
Get a paternity test when those twins are born.
Mate, if she has a video of her sucking her ex bf’s cock at the ready and she shoves her phone in your face while arguing with you, that’s not the kind of person I would plan a life with. And I’m not even mad about the video itself. We all have a past. But the level of hurt that she’s willing to inflict on you isn’t something I would want a partner to be capable of. And that was her response to you not proposing marriage to her? Woah. I can’t believe you stuck around and went to dinner with her after that.
Coparent and be a great Dad.
It is possible that you are the father of the kids, but everything you have said is a clear indication that you should not be the husband of this woman. I can understand keeping that video, everyone has links or secrets, but tossing that in your face is beyond mean. She wanted to hurt you. And it’s definite that she will do this again. And if that video is really deleted, she will make a new video with someone else and then try to hurt you. Because the first time she did that, she did not face any consequences. So cut your losses and have a happy life. Ditch the witch.
So she showed you a video of oral sex with her ex. Said horrible things to you and then you took her out to dinner… She will continue that behaviour if there aren’t any repercussions. Don’t let people walk over you. What she did is completely out of order and unacceptable. What would her reaction be if you showed her a video of you performing oral on your ex girlfriend? She wouldn’t take you out for dinner that’s for sure.
And her behaviour after the fact is very telling. Whether these arguments are rare or not is besides the point. She behaved grotesquely and then had the audacity to turn it around on you and play the victim. That’s manipulative as fuck and just vile.
FYI – If she has an iphone, if the video was in a “deleted” folder she hadnt emptied, thats probably a lie. Any photos or videos deleted will be automatically emptied from the bin after 30 days. Shes either lying or only deleted it in the last 30 days…
Sorry to hear about this man – you deserve better!
You want a fix?
Here’s a fix. Full disclosure: she needs to show everything that is on her phone without holding back.
She needs to go no contact with that ex if she is still in contact.
You both need to go to couples therapy if you want this to work. This is not gonna work cause the video is literally the only thing going through your mind.
Put the engagement on an indefinite hold after telling her that you had planned to propose, show her proof if you have it, then make sure the message goes across: we’ll only be engaged or married in the future if I feel like we have moved on from this toxic back and forth and until I can forget about that heinous video and can regain my sanity.
Grow a spine. Have some self respect.
The deleted folder automatically erases photo and videos after 30 days.
Someone is lying
I feel sorry for you and the children, she showed her pettiness and sadly will use the children to hurt you.
So she shows you a video of her sucking off another man, and you STILL take her on a dinner date!? Have even a modicum of self-respect, brother.
It’s only going to get worse if you get married, too. Cause then she’s gonna feel even more possessiveness over you. She knows it’s gonna be even harder to leave her when you’re married with twins. Run now, dude! Yeah, it’s hard and bad to leave her now, but it beats being MARRIED to that. I guarantee you that if you do marry her, she’s gonna grind you down to a nub.
OP, I am genuinely not the one to suggest drastic action via Reddit. But this isn’t acceptable, loving behaviour. Being angry isn’t an excuse. She’s an adult. What she did and what she’s been saying is, by definition, considered abuse.
Just answer this; is this kind of behaviour something you would want in a wife, a partner, the mother of your children? If the answer is no, you need to start slowly, but purposefully, looking at your options to leave. To co-parent. Figure out who’s going to stay where. You can forgive a person, but it doesn’t mean you need to accept their behaviour. You cannot accept this, because if you do, it’s opening a door for further abuse down the line. What happens next time she gets this mad? She texts that ex? She says or does something even more cruel? When and where does it end? Every line crossed, without repercussion, is an acceptance of that line being crossed.
Consider your future and the future of your relationship, and your children. Then decide what you are going to do about it. You can either be powerless, passive. Or you can take control and do something.
I’m kinda surprised there weren’t red flags or that you didn’t notice them before you got her pregnant. Flying off the handle and showing your spouse a video of you and your ex is batshit insane and extremely fucked up.
She weaponized her past to hurt you in an argument. That is not a fight. That is emotional violence.
People say cruel things when they are angry. But there is a line. And showing you that video was not crossing it. It was obliterating it.
Pregnancy is hard. Emotions run high. But there is no excuse for deliberately inflicting that kind of damage on someone you claim to love.
You need space to think clearly. And when the dust settles, ask yourself: Do you want to co-parent with someone who reaches for that weapon when they are upset?
Pregnancy hormones do work like that. I felt so much anger towards my husband it’s crazy. However, her behaviour suggests more problems – is she borderline?
You’re a door mat. She knows it and is treating you as such.
Think any woman could do 1/4 of this stuff to me and i’d still be around? Impossible. Seriously, find your balls.
The angry version of her, is the real her. That’s what she really thinks.
The video is just evidence that she has zero respect for you.
If you can’t get the video out of your head, neither can she. That’s why she keeps it.