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27 comments
I’m frustrated by how flaky people can be. I’ve had three guys disappear recently- one after we picked a day to meet, one after I brought up meeting, and one after we picked a day AND place š„² why are people like this?? I gave them all my number because we’re still matched, but I doubt I’ll hear from any of them again
Man if you thought dating was tough in the west, give this article about dating culture in China a read https://open.substack.com/pub/terminaldrift/p/you-are-not-the-one-chinese-dating?r=qcljn&utm_medium=ios
Any tips or ideas to meet women in the wild? I’m 30m.. I’ve had a bit of a long gap in dating 3-4 months. Ive been on 6-8 dates from apps in the past year, all of which I’ve been turned down after the first date..which has eroded my confidence, badly.
I tend to have pretty good interactions in public, I always have friendly chats with women (cashier’s, baristas, etc).. but I’m not the type to be pushy while they are at work.
I just want to meet someone organically. And ask them out.
It’s like finding a purple elephant lol. A cute, normal girl around my age and location that is single…
Itās never easy to let someone down. I actually enjoyed our time together, but not enough to see it going anywhere. Maybe time for one of those dating breaks. Touch grass and all that.
I have been amused by the gregarious security guard I pass in my neighborhood regularly. He is nice and reminds me of one of my cousins. Very chatty. He talks to all the passersby and had plenty of neighborhood buddies. I am also a chatterbox so this stuff draws me in.
He seems to hava a little crush (I do not). Today he was chatting with his buddy and pulled me into the convo to ask about a party theme he was considering. So I helped them brainstorm and next I know he was like what is your number so I can invite you. š He is clever!
Oh well maybe his friends will not remind me of my cousins. Meeting new people is always good. (He is my age give or take a few years). And todayās buddy was as well.
Any tips for feeling less awkward about body placement with new relationship? Like they put their arm around your back, do you do the same? Where do you put your feet? Does this get easier? Signed, awkward penguin forever?
Please help š when travelling with friends, how do you expect communication with a potential partner to be. I am having a hard time with the silence
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So far my day off is a lot lazier than I planned but I’m happy with that, I haven’t been sleeping well and I needed the rest. I’m feeling more mad than sad about how it ended with the guy I was seeing and I got to channel a lot of that anger into my workout this morning so that honestly felt really good. Nothing like rejection to keep you motivated at the gym!
Dating is stressful. Dipping my toes back in after my last relationship ended in November. Went on my first date on Wednesday and she asked for another, but my brain keeps trying to convince me sheās not into it. Another person I met in person last Saturday made a date with me for this upcoming Monday, which feels like a long gap, especially since we barely talked when we met.Ā
I just decided to text her āhey! Howās your week going? Pet any cats?ā because one of the things she said when we met is petting cats makes her feel good (we met at a speed dating type thing where we got into groups and discussed topics, not that it makes this any less cheesy). I was debating whether to reach out or just confirm the date the morning of, but friends all told me i should reach out at least once, so here we are.Ā
They are both really attractive and from what Iāve seen, we vibe pretty well. But the one Iām seeing Monday is like exactly my type so Iām very nervous. Was my text horrible?
A sophisticated German/Dutch PhD level neuroscienctist on Hinge with a D/s dynamic request and a delicious steely blue look. This just smells like trouble but like a moth to a flame…
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I miss feeling excited about someone! Didnāt end up going on any dates in March. I was talking to someone who asked for my number so we could make plans, then went radio silent for the last week. Soooo thatās dead now.Ā
Took myself out for a cocktail the other day and read a book in a cute bar. Might do more of that this summer as places open up their patios and just take myself out instead.Ā
Any thoughts on how to date in a fairly rural area without apps? (Please don’t try to convince me to give OLD another shot. I’m not interested.)
Really struggling with the apps.
I just find it so difficult to feel any kind of connection in that context. It makes me a boring texter because I’m just going through the motions trying to force something. I feel burnt out before we even get to the first date.
It doesn’t help that straight men are just terrible at selling themselves. Why do so many men upload low effort selfies of themselves scowling into the camera? Or doing a dead eye stare? Or what appears to be an attempt at a [smoulder](https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2F3d%2Fdc%2F72%2F3ddc72c41e5e2515ed978df026c206ca.jpg&f=1&nofb=1&ipt=c9df44081199d5105fb631b6486c2f975e1ea47f40efecb4490ece81431fd2b5)? I’ll often see a profile that seems interesting at first and then be actively put off by a terrible photo.
The logical part of my brain knows that in person a lot of these people are probably fine. But I can’t make myself be interested in them based on just a profile. Trying to organise dates to find out if they are ok in person just feels like work. It all puts me in a frame of mind that is terrible for attracting a partner – I am bored and boring from the get go.
Every now and then I’ll get a burst of motivation and actually be good at the apps. But then the apps are full of other people who are burnt out and bored as well, and so all my energy gets sucked away.
I’ve signed up to a few in-person events. I think it’s the only way forwards for me.
I wish it was easier to find a happy medium on planning. With the last guy he seemed anxious to do 100% of the planning to the point where it seemed to stress him out if I suggested something before him. But I also really don’t love when I get a lot of “what time? what place? what do you want to do?” and I end up making *all* the decisions. Like, I suggested the day and time, you can help look for the location? But sometimes I don’t want to go through many back and forths until the other person finally suggests something so I end up just finding a place.
I really want this date to go well and to feel valued! I’m ok planning this first date but if he wants a second one I really hope he steps up. In the past I feel like I’ve also set the tone (of me always planning) by planning the first date and I fear I might have done that again.
also I’m finding it really hard as small things keep reminding me of my crush from last year who rejected me. I put a hard no contact rule on myself and he also has not reached out, but it just makes me really sad when I see something perfect to text him about and I can’t. I also finished a side project today that we had talked about last year and I really want to tell him about it but I can’t do that either.
pffffff I hate this. A relationship seems like such a small normal human ask and it feels cruel that every time I feel like I’ve finally found someone I finally click with they always reject me. It feels like the universe laughing at me like “ha ha ha, no, you do not get to have a person love you, show affection for you, YOU THOUGHT you would finally have a person to laugh and share things with, LOL haha”
Wellllll we went out finally last night after not having seen each other for 3 weeks because of a cold. I had felt him reduce effort a ton after we slept together but wanted to be sure that wasnāt just lost momentum after we got sick.
Had a great time with him last night but after he never contacted me to ālet me know when you get homeā – or ANY follow up after 24 hoursā¦ I told him I was stepping back. He seemed happy to hear this and itās like that thing men do where they make it clear in their behavior that they donāt want you but make you be the one to end it.
Anyways Iām still bummed because I really liked him and was genuinely hoping heād just call to tell me that I had misread his intentionsā¦ but glad to have confirmation now and not 3 months from now. Iāve been trapped in situationship before and thereās no way I want to stay somewhere that Iām not wanted.
Due to my own issues I tend to very easily think people don’t want me around. I’m working on it, but it’s one of my core problems.
My boyfriend has his own set of issues, mainly having a really hard time trusting in a relationship; which has made all his previous relationships fail because nobody else was patient enough to wait for him to slowly process things. While he seems pretty avoidant on the outside he always shows up, he does not do hot/cold stuff.
And for people who go back and read previous posts, we are officially a couple after 11 months lol (but we are exclusive since date 4…)
Anyways, one area of issues among us is that we don’t spend the night together. I have a dog and he does not want to stay at my place, for a variety of valid and ridiculous reasons. So far I stayed over twice. On one of those times I told him that time I felt he wanted me to leave, he said he wanted me to stay and asked what he could do to make me feel more welcome. I truly don’t know, I just always kind of feel people don’t want me around (yes Im in therapy. Yes my parents are vocal about not wanting me around, who would have guessed)
We have exactly opposing schedules as he works nights on the weekend, when I can sleep over, so we didn’t try again until yesterday in which I didn’t have work today due to it being a holiday here.
On Thursdays we typically meet around 7pm, have dinner, sex and nap/cuddle until I have to go and it is always very annoying to me having to go home around midnight to finish sleeping there, but I’m worried about the dog and also not want to mess up my sleep when I need to be up at 5 for work. But this time I could stay so I was hoping to do that.
After we had sex, when we usually would cuddle, he asked if I minded if he played a game on his Steamdeck. I said no, imagining he’d half cuddle, half play something quiet; but he put on the loudest game every and was running commentary while he played.
I managed to sleep a bit but woke up and he was still playing, even after noticing I was awake. We had not discussed me staying, and I was not sure if I was going to stay or just leave later like 2 or so; but him doing that made me feel really unwelcome, like he was trying to make it so I wouldn’t crash there so I decided to just go home.
He says from his POV I was okay, said it was fine for him to play and then woke up randomly mad and decided to leave, leaving him scrambling to understand what he did wrong.
Idk what my question is, I guess whether other people would have felt unwelcome in that situation? He says I should know I’m welcome, and that he is a direct person and if he didn’t want me to stay he’d just say it, so I should not assume this kind of stuff.
Anyone else have a partner or dating someone you don’t really share a whole lot of common hobbies with?
I’ve been dating a girl and we’ve been clicking together well personality wise but we don’t have a whole lot of common hobbies. It’s making it hard for me to come up with date ideas beyond generic things like dinner or movies
1 more week until I can see the guy Iām dating. I told him I canāt wait to see him again and he agreed. I adore him yall. š
Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my late partners passing. I am trying to not focus on that.
My bestie has opened up his profile again for online dating and itās been challenging listening to him complain that he doesnāt get dates or that the dates he gets only want him for his paycheck/free meal. I get that itās harder for guys to get dates but he also feels like the world is out to get him and steal his money (That he doesnāt have. He isnāt loaded). And itās just exhausting. I want him to find someone but I donāt think he will with the attitude he has about it. Is that bad of me to think that? Idk
I’ve had a girlfriend that I met through reddit for at least 4 months, it was about to be 5. Little by little, I started to fall in love with her, looking at what made her different, seeing what I did not like and realizing if it was something I could live with or not. She however, made me feel like she never loved me, but whatever she thought that was me. I’ve been feeling her going from loving and caring to cold and nauseated of me.
She told me she doesn’t love me, that she never did. That she felt pressure from me to say it, even when I told her to say it whenever she really feels it. That she doesn’t feel a spark anymore, despite finding me attractive and wanting to have sex with me. I feel lied, cheated and hurt, but even then I just want to try and fix things.
I just want to stop feeling like I’m not good enough to compromise. I just want to be loved without conditions, and be able to change with my partner, as we get older. I want her to wake up everyday and choose me, because she knows it is worth it.
It certainly burned bright, was fun while it lasted. I sure wish that at 39 I could stop learning all these gd lessons and just be happy with a nice woman. I donāt believe Iāll be too scarred from this one. I only hope that sheāll forgive me for not better communicating my boundaries, but you canāt win em all. I will talk more if she needs to, but honestly Iād rather just start a new book and get back to focusing on injury recovery. Seasons change.
I (33F) went on 6 very good dates with a guy (31M) in February seeing him 6 times in 3 weeks, mutually initiated but mostly by him (sleepovers, consistency, lots of laughing). Heās very funny but not super flirty.
I then went overseas to my home country for 3 weeks and we stayed in touch the whole time messaging most days and arranged to see each other when I got back.
One nice date when I got back which was lovely but it kind of felt like the energy was off from both of us, despite us still getting along really well. I put it down to jet lag and him being tired from a trip he just got back from too / having not seen each other for a couple of weeks and getting back into a groove / mojo.
He continued to reach out to me after the date and initiate contact but not ask me out. Eventually after a couple of days I decided to put my big girl pants on and ask him to watch a film that we talked about both wanting to see.
This is when I got a long text from him that he doesnāt really know how to say this but wants to be honest with me that he doesnāt think he sees this going anywhere long term and that it feels like somethings missing although he canāt put his finger on what. He was then super insistent on being genuine about wanting to be friends and is still up for going to see a film together if Iām up for itā¦
Iām inclined to just take him at his word, just a bit new to this whole dating thing generally and wonder if heās just being polite with the offer of friendship, whether itās genuine or whether heās just wanting to keep me on the side until something better comes along. Or something else although i dont know what???
I have a date on monday which im genuinely excited for – and it’s the first time im feeling it since my break up in october 2024, so it’s double good news. Regardless of how it goes, im glad im starting to look forward to meeting new people. I swear to god ill never use Internet again if he turns out to be another emotionally wrecked bloke who doesnt know how to be alone!Ā
I have a date with a really nice guy in about an hour. I like him a lot and he is funny and smart and crafty. And I should so look forward to it, but from some comments he made, I believe he might be one of those “why do we still need feminism?” guys who try to find out if my feminism is “too crazy” for them to ignore it… (It is not, and I still don’t want him to ignore it.)
Any of you know this problem?
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