About 6 months ago I (F30) met a man (34M) who became my boyfriend. A year and a half ago he got out of a very long marriage where his ex was unfaithful and which left deep emotional wounds in him. He says he is over it and moved on but there may be some residual scarring.
Our relationship has been perfect, he is happier than ever, I found someone I was over the moon about. I honestly couldn't tell you who loved who more.
it was his birthday a month ago. His ex never did anything special for him in 15 years. I thought that was sad and unacceptable and I put in what I thought was minimal effort, buying a cake and candles, having his kids sing happy birthday and pull party poppers. I don't think he ever received that sort of care. Other miscommunications happened shortly before and after that time between us, things I wouldn't think are unresolvable or insurmountable. But never the less, he started slowly withdrawing from me. Conversations were beyond surface level, he stopped including me in his world. I was the only one reaching for physical touch and affection.
Now, I'm not sure if this is at all relevant but he and his ex never really communicated teething issues or disagreements. He stopped trying because she was always defensive or shut him down, which I have not purposely ever tried to do but amongst his withdrawal he started to feel like every conversation we had I disregarded him and his opinions. We talked it out and I thought we were fine, but he decided that wasn't the root cause of the issue, just a symptom.
We had another conversation in which he said he categorically did not have those magic feelings for me anymore. He wants them back, to go back to how we were, but he doesn't know how and he doesn't know if he even can. I gave him space to think and came back and had another conversation.
He realised that suddenly this relationship has been getting serious (aside from telling each other 2 months prior that we do see long term potential with each other) and it has scared him. We both came to the conclusion that his past relationship has triggered a fear that this relationship will also cause immense pain and subconsciously he thinks this relationship may as well end now to save future hurt.
He still adores me as a person but has become emotionally numb towards me. He doesn't want to lose me but doesn't want to hurt me by leading me on. He is not confident that his feelings will come back. I know he is being honest about his inner feelings.
I feel like we should ride the wave and give it a proper go, see if these feelings really don't return. I am well familiar with fear responses but I do hate sitting in this unknowing.
I guess I am just after some perspective from anyone who has experienced this, from either side.