My girlfriend (31F) and I (37M) have been dating for 4 months. We started seeing each other only 1 month after her previous 6-year relationship ended.
TL;DR: she currently treats me well, but between her cheating history, the way she talks about loyalty, and the kind of behavior she seems to normalize, I’m starting to think we have very different values and that I may never fully trust her.
Details:
One thing that bothered me recently is that she told me she got together with two male friends at one guy’s house, where they had a BBQ and smoked weed. I don’t care about weed itself, and I’d even be open to smoking with her sometime. What bothers me is the context: her hanging out in that kind of relaxed, intimate setting with other men at one of their houses. That already made me uncomfortable.
Then I asked her how she got started in business, and she told me a story involving her current business partner/friend.
According to her, this friend was married to a man who basically helped her build her dentist clinic from scratch. He helped with equipment, suppliers, client database, etc. Then, while they were trying to get pregnant, she was also having an affair with another man. The husband eventually found out because he started tracing what she was doing. Then the friend filed for divorce, got a restraining order, kept the business, ended up with the affair partner, and later got pregnant by him.
My girlfriend was working for this woman during all of that. She knew about the affair. She knew the husband too, but never said anything. During the divorce, she actively took her friend’s side and helped make sure the husband couldn’t get close to the clinic. After telling me the whole story, she still said her friend is “a good person.”
That really stuck with me. It wasn’t just that she stayed neutral. She actively sided with the cheating friend, and even after everything, still framed her positively.
On top of that, she herself cheated on her ex in her previous six years relationship and kept it hidden until she got caught.
So what’s messing with me is this: even if her current behavior with me is “good,” I keep thinking that people’s character is tested when things are not going well. Anybody can be loving and sweet when everything is easy. What worries me is what her behavior and judgment say about how she handles temptation, conflict, dishonesty, loyalty, and betrayal when things get hard.
She says she loves me and wants to get closer, but I naturally resist. I can’t fully relax with her. I keep thinking this may even be affecting my ability to connect with her physically, because I don’t feel fully safe or trusting.
Question:
Am I overthinking this and unfairly judging her for her past and her friend group, or are these legitimate red flags that point to a real incompatibility in values?
Would you continue dating someone in this situation, or would you take this as enough information to walk away now?