I (22F) and my boyfriend (23M) have been together for 3 months. We were friends before that and have lived together (with 3 other roommates) for about a year.
Yes, I know dating your roommate is risky, we were very intentional about it. We didn’t start anything unless we both felt serious and understood what we were getting into. Our roommates know, they’re fine with it, and we don’t make our problems house problems.
This is both of our first real relationships, we lost our virginities to each other, etc.
My boyfriend is genuinely great. He’s kind, respectful, we have good chemistry, get along well, and actively try to understand each other. I don’t doubt that he really likes me. I’m a pretty anxious and obsessive person, but I’ve done a lot of therapy, so while things can feel hard internally, I don’t take it out on him. But I do overthink.
The issue is that we’re very different in how we function, not in core values, but in how our brains and needs work, and I can’t tell if it’s a real incompatibility or just my anxiety.
Early on, I felt like everything was on his terms. Because I always wanted to see him, we’d hang out when he felt like it. I recognize it’s not healthy for me to always want to see him, but I do need a decent amount of connection.
Some of our differences:
Since we live together, he feels like just being around each other or hanging out casually counts as time together. For him, going on a date once a week and sleeping together 1–2 times a week feels like enough.
For me, being around each other in a neutral/shared setting does not feel like quality time. It doesn’t meet my emotional needs. I like having a planned date once a week (we’ve worked that in), but I also want more intentional one-on-one time. Ideally, I’d want to sleep together 3–5 times a week, or at least have some kind of alone/cuddle time every other night, even if it’s just an hour.
Another layer is that he really needs alone time, and because of the house, he doesn’t get much during the day. So he ends up staying up really late to get that time. Meanwhile, I get my alone time in other ways and then want to spend nights together. I also have health issues and really need my sleep, so it sometimes feels like even our lifestyles are incompatible.
We’ve communicated a lot about this, and to his credit, he’s very receptive. It’s obvious to me he cares about what’s important to me and doesn’t want me to struggle. We’ve made real progress:
– I’ve been better about initiating instead of waiting on him
– He initiates more too
– He gives me a heads up about whether he’s likely to want to sleep together, so I’m not waiting around
– We’ve established a consistent “date style” hangout each week
– We’ve agreed that saying no isn’t a personal affront, and we’re both honest with each other
– Overall, very open communication (slight pro of my anxiety lol)
So it’s not like nothing is changing, it is. But I’m still struggling.
It’s not that I want to see him more in general, we already see each other a lot because we live together. It’s that I want more intentional time and more physical closeness. Right now, even getting a couple hours together at night can feel uncertain or require me to stay up until 1–2am, and even then it might not happen. And that’s the exact area we’ve been trying to work on, so it’s hard to tell if it’s improving enough.
It’s confusing because I can clearly feel that he cares about me a lot. But at the same time, we seem really different in how much connection we want, and this issue keeps coming up for me.
I don’t know if:
– This is something I can regulate within myself (learning to tolerate more space, manage anxiety, etc.)
– We’re already doing the right things and just need time
– Or this is a fundamental mismatch, and I’ll always feel like I’m compromising
When we talk about it, he listens, validates me, and I can see real effort. That’s what makes it harder to figure out, because the relationship itself is good.
I’ve even thought about tracking how often we actually spend intentional time together, just to reality check myself and see if my perception is skewed.
Being an anxious person in a relationship is honestly brutal. It’s been worth it, but really hard. I’ve had to teach myself how to feel safe, not take his need for alone time personally, and regulate my reactions. I’ve improved a lot, I used to cry every time he didn’t want to sleep together (never made it his problem or told him, I’m not trying to guilt him, it was just my emotional response), and now I can feel sad but move on and understand what’s happening
But I still don’t know how to tell the difference between:
“this is a valid need I have in a relationship”
vs.
“this is my anxiety talking and I need to self-regulate”
We both care about each other and are willing to work at this. We’re good at communicating and problem solving. It feels worth it.
I just can’t stop wondering: if we’re this different in this area, does effort actually make a difference long-term? I can’t help but fear I’ll always feel like I’m giving more and just taking what I can get, but that might also just be my anxiety talking.
Also, I know people say relationships aren’t supposed to feel this “hard,” but because of my anxiety and OCD, a lot of things feel this hard for me in general, so I don’t know how much weight to give that. I genuinely enjoy my alone time and have a full, independent life, but I’m still feeling this way.
TLDR:
My boyfriend and I live together and care about each other a lot, but we have very different needs for quality time and physical closeness. He’s satisfied with less frequent, more casual time together, while I need more intentional time and consistency. We communicate well and are actively working on it, but I still feel unfulfilled. I can’t tell if this is something I should work on within myself (anxiety/attachment) or if it’s a real incompatibility that will keep coming up long-term.