**TL;DR;**: Girl is making relationship difficult .
Me (22M) and partner (22F) have been dating for 4 months now. When we first met is was very nice and the freshness of it all made it exciting, We got pregnant 1.5 months into knowing each other and had a miscarriage. We then moved in together at month 3.
I was getting to know her before and I didn’t really care about her red flags. But every time I bring up how I feel she gets hostile and very defensive and says I’m being controlling when all I want is for us to be on the same page, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her or her boundaries but I expect the same. she’s been in relationships where she was abused and cheated on so I give her understanding.
The first thing I ever brought up is that I didn’t like that she wanted to keep in contact with people she had slept with or dated just because that was no longer the situation. After about two days she was willing to do it
Fast forward a month after that she was sending me a bunch of videos about women choosing to do anything they want, so naturally I responded with my opinion and said that I don’t think a woman should just wear whatever she wants if it actively makes her partner uncomfortable, i think if your partner asks you politely and gives a reason that’s valid then just change it because the person you choose and love asks you to.
It also bothered me that she would bring up every celebrity crush especially if it was on the TV or in the movie theaters she would say how attractive she thought the person is, ( I speak about it later on here but none of them looked like me) and obviously I find other girls attractive and not all look like her but out of respect to her I don’t bring it up.
Now recently we joined a church group, first time she met the group alone then a few sessions in and I came, we all met at a burger joint and it went very well I liked the group and the group leader. Next sessions we all meet at his house and the first time I thought it was normal and chill until the end he hugged her and I was fine about it but still felt weird, I didn’t bring it up to my girl yet because it was my first time in the house and she didn’t see the hug coming so just responded naturally. (I always respect others relationships and would rather verbally greet the man’s partner then greet him). Next time going I was looking at him for any signs and I felt like the group leader kept looking at her. So I would look at him, I’m very interactive in this group and enjoy the people but the fact that I feel he looks at her bothers me and I saw her fix her hair and immediately I started thinking she was receptive.
Then as we were leaving he shook my hand and was seeming to not go in to hug her this time and so she reached and hugged him.
She always states she has multiple types in men 1st being white males with blue eyes which he has and I’m a lightskin man with brown eyes, so I guess maybe it’s partially insecurity as-well, which I’m not ignorant to.
When we got to the car I was very serious and she could tell and she told me to explain what’s wrong, and I told her there’s no point because she would only get mad and dismiss what I feel, when we got home she was surprisingly understanding and said that’s fine she just won’t hug him to respect my boundary. Then two days later when she did therapy she told me she will not be controlled and that throughout everything she will always do whatever the f***k she wants. To be honest that hurt me.
Then she said that if I want I can talk to him and ask him if he wants her or that she can ask him if he wants her and wants to “f***k her”. Then I told her that okay I’ll talk to him but then what would she do after… her response was that she would still hug him.
So I got mad and said we’re done. you’re actively choosing to deny and go against my boundary… (which I would not do to her)
Then I lied and said I just meant that I said I was done with the conversation, but actually because I know I love her I just get frustrated with the fact that she doesn’t want to change for the better other than that we are cool.
We spoke and she said she wants to be with me and is trying to make it work too but she will not be controlled,and that if he for some reason gave her a vibe like he wanted more than just the hug that she gives out of appreciation for his group then she would stop it right there. I still feel like I’m asking for the bare minimum not control.
I feel like she always makes everything about herself.
And we’re too far in to let go, we live together, do everything together… since the day I met her there hasn’t been a day we weren’t together. So obviously even through all the things I don’t like I want to make it work but it feels like she’s taking my cup and leaving it empty when to start I fill up her cup no matter what but she just takes more from me more than she fills.
What do you guys think? Am I controlling her? Am I asking for too much? Would you break up?