This morning i (27F) was just looking at my husband's (28M) email as i do incase we have bills or parcels.

And discovered an email saying his Only Fans account has been deleted. Upon looking at his deleted emails, three days ago while i was in bed he had "forgotten his password " for his account, made a new password, subscribed to a women on there for $7.99 and 20 minutes later deleted the account, but forgot about deleting the email.

Have i got a right to be upset? he doesn't know i know. I don't know how long he had the account , no idea if he subbed to anyone else in the past.


9 comments

  1. you absolutely have a right to be upset this isn’t just a harmless thing if it involves secrecy

  2. He spent 8 bucks and 20 minutes later decided it wasn’t worth doing and you want to be mad?

  3. You should probably talk to him before getting upset. Or if you’re already upset talk to him after you’ve had some time to process your feelings so that you can have a productive discussion about it. Are you upset that he’s using porn at all or upset that he purchased porn? Why? Does his reasoning for trying the site matter? Has your sexual relationship stalled for some reason? Going through stuff like that helps to guide the conversation when you have it.

  4. Can you try to log in from his email? I think it takes like a month to fully delete

  5. I mean if this is the extent of it, let it go if you love him. It sounds like he loves you too. He might have a porn addiction, or maybe got curious as to what a certain female looked like naked. Men by nature are curious especially when it comes to a woman’s body. I believe it to be harmless and consider yourself lucky this is the extent of it. I would wait a week or 2 and chill out, then bring it up in a calm manner and discuss it

  6. The question regarding whether you have a right to be upset- simply, yeah, you have the right to feel how you want about anything, it’s just the actions that follow the feeling you have that are up for question.

    But more nuanced- that depends on your marriage and what boundaries you have discussed and set together. Have you two discussed porn within the marriage? If so and it’s something you both were okay with, did you discuss it in more detail? Did you set boundaries around purchasing it, interactive or live cams, certain websites like OF, if it’s something done in private and not talked about or if it is something to make mention of, etc? Which part of the situation is what is upsetting you?

    If no previously set boundaries were broken, but it still upsets you, then it’s worth sitting down to discuss if those boundaries need to be redefined. It’s okay to think you’ll be okay with something and end up feeling differently once actually being in the scenario. Just a gentle “hey, I know we agreed on this before, but xyz is bothering me more than I thought it would, and I’m not sure I am comfortable with this in our marriage anymore. When would be a good time to talk about this some more?” If it’s something you’ve never discussed before, then technically no boundaries were crossed because there weren’t any placed to begin with. Same thing, a simple “Hey, I know we never discussed xyz before, but I realize there are certain things I’m not comfortable with in a marriage, and maybe you have the same feelings towards some things as well. I think it would be good for us to talk more about this. When would be a good time?” Make sure you go over a bunch of different topics in that case, to avoid future discomforts. If you had boundaries set, and they were explicitly broken, then that’s a bit more serious, especially if it’s a pattern, and might warrant a different response and solutions

  7. You don’t need reddit’s permission to be upset about something.

    Personally I consider OF digital prostitution and would react accordingly.

  8. Yes, you absolutely have the right to be upset.

    Sit with your thoughts and collect them, and write them down if that’s easier for you. I would try to structure them with “I statements” to keep them productive (this will help when you sit down to have a talk with him).

    You’re hurt because a boundary was crossed.

    I would also establish a “goal” for myself, and that is something that you’ll determine after your “I statements”. “Goals” as in, what do you want to come out of this conversation? And yes, just to talk through it with your partner is absolutely a goal. The idea is to leave the talk feeling like something was accomplished, and only you can determine what that is.

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