I hope this isn’t seen as promotion since this is already considered one of the best on the subject of relationships.
But holy smokes. I just got out of a two year relationship and discovered that not only has someone else has felt exactly this way but they have done the same things.
In retrospect our relationship was always in crisis. She felt that I was not emotionally intimate enough and would spend hours trying to coax me into opening up. She would be extremely anxious if I didn’t respond for a while and did not like my attachment to my family or my best friend.
I was often indirect about what our future would be and would only talk about it when she asked. I frequently communicated displeasure through indirect means like shutting down or bottling it up until I expressed all in a rush that I was unhappy.
To give an example, one time she asked me about a guy she was talking to on FB and wanted to know if girls can be just friends with guys. She said he was asking her to be friends and she wanted to get relationship advice for us through another guy. I said it was fine but I was seething. The next day I tried to breakup with her but she convinced me that wouldn’t happen again.
I also did (and maybe do) think that there is a “one” person out there and am picky, or at least I believe a worthy person is very rare. Instead of trying to change people or work through things I just break up with them and run. If we have a fight I believe the relationship is at risk every single time.
I never realized it but all of these behaviors are actually very common. In case it’s not glaringly obvious this was an anxious/avoidant death spiral.
I also now realize the incredible amount of emotional work I have in front of me to be a secure partner and that I should stay off the dating market until I work these things out.
Tldr I realized I’m avoidant and just how little i know about secure relationships