My ex and I broke up a few days ago, and it was really sudden and unexpected for me. We had been dating for over a year (from junior to senior year), and overall I thought we had a healthy, balanced relationship.
He has always been very driven about his future; he wants to go to college and eventually become an English professor in another country. I’ve always supported that, and I actually had similar goals of moving abroad and building a life there too. It felt like we were aligned and working toward similar futures.
In our relationship, I felt like things were pretty equal, we both supported each other. I’m more physically affectionate, and sometimes he would say I was too clingy, but I always respected that and gave him space. He’s affectionate too, just more on the reserved side.
A while before the breakup, he almost ended things because he felt an “imbalance” in his life between me, school, the gym, friends, family, and his goals. He also struggles with insomnia and recurring depression, which has been draining his energy a lot. We talked it through at the time and decided to keep trying while giving each other more space.
Recently, he’s been extremely tired and unmotivated, even struggling to go to the gym or do schoolwork. I tried to support him by encouraging him and also giving him space to rest.
The day we broke up, I checked in on him about how he was feeling. That’s when he told me he still felt that imbalance and didn’t have the energy to maintain everything in his life, including our relationship. He said he’s worried about his future, about not being consistent, and about failing his goals.
He also said he’s scared that if we move to another country together, I might end up unhappy and leave, which could hurt both of us financially and emotionally. Because of that, he said he wants to experience things on his own and not feel like he’s forcing that life on me.
He told me he still loves and cares about me, that I’m still important to him but that trying to maintain the relationship takes energy he doesn’t have right now. He said it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to continue and risk hurting me later.
He also said he wants to stay friends, even though we weren’t really friends before dating. We talked in person a couple days later, and he basically said the same things. Right now we’re giving each other space and haven’t been in contact.
I feel really lost and things have been feeling surreal for me because I still believe in our relationship and feel like this could have been worked through instead of ending things. I understand he’s overwhelmed, but I didn’t think it had to lead to a breakup.
Is there any realistic way to rebuild this relationship?
4 comments
He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You should respect that and move on.
He sounds like he’s been very honest with you…I would do the mature thing and respect what he says he needs to do for himself at this time. Never, Never, chase a
Man..it’s a very bad look..He’s talking, but you aren’t listening.
Whoa. You are 18. EIGHTEEN! You are (probably) still living at home. I wish I had someone with 65 years of wisdom telling me what to do when I was 18.
Move on. Meet people. Your frontal cortex isn’t even fully developed yet. Don’t for a minute believe that “he’s the one”. Jeepers. You’ve met what, maybe 100 people in your life? In another 10 years you have met over 10,000. Your choices will not only grow but get better.
Be free. Have fun. Make friends. Get a trade (please don’t go to college – waste of money unless you go for a specific degree – chemistry, engineering). Tradesmen (or tradeswomen) make a pretty dame good lifing. And aren’t saddled with $80,000+ of college debt.
Enjoy yourself. You don’t need validation from someone else at your age. God, if I were 18 again…. (I wouldn’t waker up with a new body pain every morning LOL)
he’s young, and he made the decision to focus on things other than dating. this is a common thing for young people to do.
respect his wishes and move on