How many of you realized you are no longer compatible with your wife but are staying together for the children?
March 20, 2026
Have you and your wife drifted apart and realized you aren't the same people you were when you got married? Are you staying together only for the children? What were the early signs you were no longer compatible?
37 comments
Not me yet. But we have personalities that are very compatible and in general, are very tolerant people. That said, we’ve never seen each other as “best friends” or any of that none sense. I do see her as one of the most important people in my life though.
I think it’s important to understand what is drifting apart and what is simply not making time for you as a couple.
We have definitely drifted a little as we both work full-time and an 8 year old son and a dog but we both know it’s because we really struggle to get time with just us, lots of family time but little time just the two of us.
I wouldn’t stay together for our son, my parents split when I was younger than our son is.
šļø
Separated for almost two years now.
Can you elaborate on “compatible”?
I wouldn’t quite go so far as saying we’re no longer compatible. But recently it’s felt less like a relationship and more like roommates than it ever has before.
I did that for a long time until I realized my sons had never had a healthy loving relationship modeled for them and never would as long as we were together. Some things, once seen, can never be unseen. At that point, there was no turning back.
Drifted apart, absolutely. Although we both did the work to fall in love again and continue working on our relationship. I would certainly hope that neither of us is still the same person we were 25 years ago. I want us each to be growing, improving, and becoming better people. I want us to look back and laugh at the sheer naivety that we each other were.
As to staying together for the kids, we both made an agreement when we first started thinking about starting a family that that should never happen.
Ended a 17 year marriage recently where we really weren’t a good match for at least the final 5 years. The kids were 16 and 21 when we finally split.
The kids were certainly a factor for holding out, but I do think a lot of the people who say they’re “staying for the kids” are fooling themselves and they’re really just afraid of the uncertainty, inconvenience and costs of splitting up such a long relationship.
She changed, and clearly wasn’t interested in being in a relationship any longer. Took way longer to officially end it than it should have, mainly because I expected her to come to her senses, but never once did I consider it in any way beneficial to stay together for the kids.
Physically yes, emotionally, weāre still fairly strong. Weāre like really good roommates tbh.
You are describing at the very least about half the couples i have met in my life.
There is always a time, after children, when couples must come together and decide who they have become after all the turmoil and running around, and whether they are still good for each other. In many cases ( a majority?) people choose not to do this, and end up being miserable for the rest of their lives.
With enough maturity there are ways to evolve as a couple to avoid this. It is, however, hard as fuck because society in general doesnāt really encourage people to mature beyond doing āwhat is right for the kidsā.
Signs of incompatibility, for me, would be being unavailable, no longer needing the otherās presence or not finding it comforting. Sexual unavailability can also be a sign, often dismissed as normal because of how busy our lives become when parenting. When partners start being unable to argue and come to some kind of agreement beyond ā letās agree to disagreeā, thatās another clear sign to me.
Afterwards it gets obvious when things deteriorate, I donāt think that needs explaining.
Good luck, OP.
Iām starting to feel that way after only 2 years of kids. Way less laughs, way more arguing (we never used to argue ever), just roommates / teammates like others stated. We never had challenges before kids, life as all just fun (and we had a lot of fun). We donāt work together well; little issues get escalated massively, we stress each other out and donāt bring one another up in hard times, we bring one another down or sideways. With 2 kids under 2, one whoās a wild child, thereās no time or energy for caring for a partner. So weāll see how it goes but weāre both extremely against divorce and itās not really āexplosiveā bad its just blah.
Iāve felt that, but it changed once the kids started getting older and we started focusing more on each other than on the kids.
Raising kids is a season of a couples life that can cause irreparable damage if the couple isnāt aware of it and allow each other get to a point of no return.
As someone whoās parents āstayed together for the kidsā I could absolutely tell they fucking hated each other. If theyād have just split, Iād probably have had a better childhood.
Your kids can tell. Trust me.
I guess most of the families are like that, TBH, depending on what is the definition of “no longer compatible”.
Maybe the definition is: If you don’t have a kid, will you leave your wife for other women, given that it is possible to attract other women?
Iām pretty lost on it all right now. The issue is we have 2 young kids. They are nearly the only reason weāre together – fear, cost, disappointment and āhistoryā likely the other drivers. Weāve been through her alcohol problems, ivf, many career changes, more or less ok but all caused stress and emotional damage. The last several months have gone from bad to worse – with her emotions being very unstable. Nearly daily fights over small/ innocuous things – that then starts a spiral. I donāt think sheās emotionally stable or a full fledged reliable adult. She had a good job but at home itās like sheās a teenager. In turn she thinks Iām demanding. We have been āroom matesā for years, while being great individual parents we are only good at parenting together. I describe us as incompatible- I wouldnāt choose her now, I donāt think she would choose me. Iām very scared to pull the trigger and naively think things can get better – because on paper weāre good, no cheating, no money issues, etc.
Good grief. This is me. I’ve grown, learned, been burned, had small wins,. But at the end of the day, we are growing apart bc of growth. Its like she hasn’t grown mentally in 20yrs. I swear im playing the same games over and over, which i cant win. The script is always flipped… when she is to blame for something. It always turns into a blame game and goes from there.
Long term relationships are a slow moving roller coaster, there are ups and downs, and right now I feel like the cart isn’t moving. I find myself drawn away mentally when she’s talking about some completely inaccurate meme or news story thats she saw on TikTok. Its just all so stupid, I dont even have TikTok or any social media platform. I cant stand it
I’ve listened and been a good husband/father for almost 20yrs, and have been there for her thru so many things, and alot of 1st times for the both of us. I dont know why I have a sneaking suspicion she feels the same way, and is just to scared to pull the trigger.. or she’s hoping i die soon and she gets my wealth lol.
Im feeling completely unsatisfied in my middle class life, I cant imagine being with another woman and will probably be done with relationships in general if we divorce. Im completely exhausted from this relationship, this is not the life I ever thought I would exist in, in such an unhappy way. She’s a wonderful person, and I ofc wish her the best in life, but I feel like either ive grown in a different way, and she’s not gornw at all or in a different way.
For a bit my wife and I had been drifting apart and while I was still in love with her and issues weren’t 24/7 I had been getting increasingly annoyed with so many of our interactions and slights. We have two amazing kids and I knew I would never do anything that would take me away from them for even a second.
At some point (some anxiety meds and therapy helped me get here) I reminded myself that she hasn’t fundamentally changed and we got married because I loved her immensely. I gave myself a reset, gave her more grace, and came at everything trying to start off in a more positive place. My change in our dynamic fueled one in response and felt it pushed us back on track.
I really don’t understand the question. Are you talking dead bedroom or roommate situation? I’ve been married over 40 years and sure there’s ups and downs but if you communicate and work on things together it works out in the end. I see a lot of younger people that aren’t willing to put in the effort and I think thats the biggest issue in most relationships nowadays.
Don’t do it. You will ruin ALL your lifes: wife’s, kid’s, and yours.
My wife and I got to a point where it was really tense in our relationship. We were basically roommates with kids. We’d talk about logistics and practical matters, but not much else.
We went to couple’s counseling and learned to communicate with each other. We had a mediator there who promoted us to think about what was really going on inside, what we were feeling, and what we felt we were missing in the relationship. That pretty much saved us.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of couples wait until it’s too late. We were at a point where we still wanted it to work, it just wasn’t, but neither of us had completely given up.
Since then, though, we’ve been ace. We don’t really argue or fight, we talk way more and enjoy each other’s company thoroughly. Once we got through the bullshit holding us back, I feel like I started to fall in love with her again. And I feel that way every day.
It would help to establish what you mean by āincompatible,ā because, as some others have already alluded to, there is incompatible, and then there is *incompatible*. The romance/sex can be gone, but you can have a functional and respectful coparenting/cohabitation relationship. You can have some romance/sex, but be fighting and full of resentment. And various combinations.
Incompatibility, therefore, will look different based on what your criteria are.
Personally, I found that more and more fighting and lack of resolution, or willingness on the part of my at the time wife to take active steps to fix the issue. I was tired of the shit, and saw that I would be miserable. Well, *more* miserable.
My grandparents stayed together until my dad (the youngest of four), graduated high school, and he wished they called it quits earlier
We promised our kid that he could stay at home with no bills or rent until he’s finished college. We both agreed that we wanted to send him into the world with more than what we started out with…a nice bank account and a career. When him and his girlfriend are ready to get a house or condo, we’ll figure out our future. Right now, the rent and bills are cheaper with a partner and I live in a house that’s nicer than what I could afford on my own.
I stayed 25 years too long for the kids. Hereās an fyi / adult kids sometimes donāt take to their parents divorcing very well.
Most of us š¤£
Before you get to the part where you are thinking about staying with her for the kids? Why were you even with the woman in the first place? Itās crazy how many wait until things go had then sit ponder on their decisions. I wonder is some look for validation after they make
sh-**y choices. Once you bring children in this world every thing changes. Look a your decision making skills before you blame you partner for being horrible. You slept with them before the kids. You get to make those decisions before you put your children in a situation to get abused by a new man or before they have to live in a poorer neighborhood because now you have decided to see your partner for who there are.
Not blaming you but just see so many people that made bad partner decisions look for Reddit to make them feel good for leaving their children in an even worse situation.
It is a lot of work. I have been married 20 years, and itās better than it ever was. We have one child, she is 15. We are now at the point we can go out on proper dates again. It was tough for the last 10 years or so. I think if the effort to maintain the relationship decreases too much, you naturally drift apart. We have plenty of couples that are divorcing for a myriad of reasons. We work hard to keep the spark alive, many donāt for whatever reason.
Most people
My parents should have split a very long time ago. Grew up with an alcoholic dad that was unconscious 80% of the time.
I think its entirely normal for people to go through periods of being more or less in love. A working marriage takes effort on both parts, and sometimes it takes a bit more effort. Giving up during a rough patch is denying yourself the possibility of the relationship returning to something much better with a bit of work.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with walking away after you’ve tried to fix it. Everyone deserves happiness and if you’re not able to fix the marriage then you should walk away in a way thats a healthy and positive as you can manage for yourself and your children.
I would hope my wife and I arenāt the same people we were all those years ago. That would be pitiful
I never really understood this. Like how old are the kids? 10 years goes by in the blink of an eye. At what point do you stay together for the kids? Like you just had a kid and now youāre trying to bail? When they are 5? 10? You canāt out an effort in for a few years? And then the time is gone anyway?
Along the journey of life, MANY things change… the family dynamics, jobs, houses, friends, co-workers, personal preferences, etc… and the list goes on.
Your relationship with your spouse will stay as strong as you both work on it as much as you work on anything else important to you in life…. but if you let it coast on by, thats what its gonna do.
My husband and I have been through MANY ups and downs… but we both made it a point to check in with each other regularly and help each other stay on track for our marriage… for eachother, bc at the end of the day…. your job you will leave or retire from, your kids will grow up and move out… and if you do not nourish your marriage through it all, there will be nothing but a shell left.
I did for 5 years, then I realized I would be a better person and a better Dad if I got the hell out of there.
Things were hard at first but 7 years later I’m remarried to an amazing woman and recovering/recovered from that shit show of a marriage.
Not sure if they are “early” signs, but when sex stops and she stops being affectionate, that’s a pretty big sign.
37 comments
Not me yet. But we have personalities that are very compatible and in general, are very tolerant people. That said, we’ve never seen each other as “best friends” or any of that none sense. I do see her as one of the most important people in my life though.
I think it’s important to understand what is drifting apart and what is simply not making time for you as a couple.
We have definitely drifted a little as we both work full-time and an 8 year old son and a dog but we both know it’s because we really struggle to get time with just us, lots of family time but little time just the two of us.
I wouldn’t stay together for our son, my parents split when I was younger than our son is.
šļø
Separated for almost two years now.
Can you elaborate on “compatible”?
I wouldn’t quite go so far as saying we’re no longer compatible. But recently it’s felt less like a relationship and more like roommates than it ever has before.
I did that for a long time until I realized my sons had never had a healthy loving relationship modeled for them and never would as long as we were together. Some things, once seen, can never be unseen. At that point, there was no turning back.
Drifted apart, absolutely. Although we both did the work to fall in love again and continue working on our relationship. I would certainly hope that neither of us is still the same person we were 25 years ago. I want us each to be growing, improving, and becoming better people. I want us to look back and laugh at the sheer naivety that we each other were.
As to staying together for the kids, we both made an agreement when we first started thinking about starting a family that that should never happen.
Ended a 17 year marriage recently where we really weren’t a good match for at least the final 5 years. The kids were 16 and 21 when we finally split.
The kids were certainly a factor for holding out, but I do think a lot of the people who say they’re “staying for the kids” are fooling themselves and they’re really just afraid of the uncertainty, inconvenience and costs of splitting up such a long relationship.
She changed, and clearly wasn’t interested in being in a relationship any longer. Took way longer to officially end it than it should have, mainly because I expected her to come to her senses, but never once did I consider it in any way beneficial to stay together for the kids.
Physically yes, emotionally, weāre still fairly strong. Weāre like really good roommates tbh.
You are describing at the very least about half the couples i have met in my life.
There is always a time, after children, when couples must come together and decide who they have become after all the turmoil and running around, and whether they are still good for each other. In many cases ( a majority?) people choose not to do this, and end up being miserable for the rest of their lives.
With enough maturity there are ways to evolve as a couple to avoid this. It is, however, hard as fuck because society in general doesnāt really encourage people to mature beyond doing āwhat is right for the kidsā.
Signs of incompatibility, for me, would be being unavailable, no longer needing the otherās presence or not finding it comforting. Sexual unavailability can also be a sign, often dismissed as normal because of how busy our lives become when parenting. When partners start being unable to argue and come to some kind of agreement beyond ā letās agree to disagreeā, thatās another clear sign to me.
Afterwards it gets obvious when things deteriorate, I donāt think that needs explaining.
Good luck, OP.
Iām starting to feel that way after only 2 years of kids. Way less laughs, way more arguing (we never used to argue ever), just roommates / teammates like others stated. We never had challenges before kids, life as all just fun (and we had a lot of fun). We donāt work together well; little issues get escalated massively, we stress each other out and donāt bring one another up in hard times, we bring one another down or sideways. With 2 kids under 2, one whoās a wild child, thereās no time or energy for caring for a partner. So weāll see how it goes but weāre both extremely against divorce and itās not really āexplosiveā bad its just blah.
Iāve felt that, but it changed once the kids started getting older and we started focusing more on each other than on the kids.
Raising kids is a season of a couples life that can cause irreparable damage if the couple isnāt aware of it and allow each other get to a point of no return.
As someone whoās parents āstayed together for the kidsā I could absolutely tell they fucking hated each other. If theyād have just split, Iād probably have had a better childhood.
Your kids can tell. Trust me.
I guess most of the families are like that, TBH, depending on what is the definition of “no longer compatible”.
Maybe the definition is: If you don’t have a kid, will you leave your wife for other women, given that it is possible to attract other women?
Iām pretty lost on it all right now. The issue is we have 2 young kids. They are nearly the only reason weāre together – fear, cost, disappointment and āhistoryā likely the other drivers. Weāve been through her alcohol problems, ivf, many career changes, more or less ok but all caused stress and emotional damage. The last several months have gone from bad to worse – with her emotions being very unstable. Nearly daily fights over small/ innocuous things – that then starts a spiral. I donāt think sheās emotionally stable or a full fledged reliable adult. She had a good job but at home itās like sheās a teenager. In turn she thinks Iām demanding. We have been āroom matesā for years, while being great individual parents we are only good at parenting together. I describe us as incompatible- I wouldnāt choose her now, I donāt think she would choose me. Iām very scared to pull the trigger and naively think things can get better – because on paper weāre good, no cheating, no money issues, etc.
Good grief. This is me. I’ve grown, learned, been burned, had small wins,. But at the end of the day, we are growing apart bc of growth. Its like she hasn’t grown mentally in 20yrs. I swear im playing the same games over and over, which i cant win. The script is always flipped… when she is to blame for something. It always turns into a blame game and goes from there.
Long term relationships are a slow moving roller coaster, there are ups and downs, and right now I feel like the cart isn’t moving. I find myself drawn away mentally when she’s talking about some completely inaccurate meme or news story thats she saw on TikTok. Its just all so stupid, I dont even have TikTok or any social media platform. I cant stand it
I’ve listened and been a good husband/father for almost 20yrs, and have been there for her thru so many things, and alot of 1st times for the both of us. I dont know why I have a sneaking suspicion she feels the same way, and is just to scared to pull the trigger.. or she’s hoping i die soon and she gets my wealth lol.
Im feeling completely unsatisfied in my middle class life, I cant imagine being with another woman and will probably be done with relationships in general if we divorce. Im completely exhausted from this relationship, this is not the life I ever thought I would exist in, in such an unhappy way. She’s a wonderful person, and I ofc wish her the best in life, but I feel like either ive grown in a different way, and she’s not gornw at all or in a different way.
For a bit my wife and I had been drifting apart and while I was still in love with her and issues weren’t 24/7 I had been getting increasingly annoyed with so many of our interactions and slights. We have two amazing kids and I knew I would never do anything that would take me away from them for even a second.
At some point (some anxiety meds and therapy helped me get here) I reminded myself that she hasn’t fundamentally changed and we got married because I loved her immensely. I gave myself a reset, gave her more grace, and came at everything trying to start off in a more positive place. My change in our dynamic fueled one in response and felt it pushed us back on track.
I really don’t understand the question. Are you talking dead bedroom or roommate situation? I’ve been married over 40 years and sure there’s ups and downs but if you communicate and work on things together it works out in the end. I see a lot of younger people that aren’t willing to put in the effort and I think thats the biggest issue in most relationships nowadays.
Don’t do it. You will ruin ALL your lifes: wife’s, kid’s, and yours.
My wife and I got to a point where it was really tense in our relationship. We were basically roommates with kids. We’d talk about logistics and practical matters, but not much else.
We went to couple’s counseling and learned to communicate with each other. We had a mediator there who promoted us to think about what was really going on inside, what we were feeling, and what we felt we were missing in the relationship. That pretty much saved us.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of couples wait until it’s too late. We were at a point where we still wanted it to work, it just wasn’t, but neither of us had completely given up.
Since then, though, we’ve been ace. We don’t really argue or fight, we talk way more and enjoy each other’s company thoroughly. Once we got through the bullshit holding us back, I feel like I started to fall in love with her again. And I feel that way every day.
It would help to establish what you mean by āincompatible,ā because, as some others have already alluded to, there is incompatible, and then there is *incompatible*. The romance/sex can be gone, but you can have a functional and respectful coparenting/cohabitation relationship. You can have some romance/sex, but be fighting and full of resentment. And various combinations.
Incompatibility, therefore, will look different based on what your criteria are.
Personally, I found that more and more fighting and lack of resolution, or willingness on the part of my at the time wife to take active steps to fix the issue. I was tired of the shit, and saw that I would be miserable. Well, *more* miserable.
My grandparents stayed together until my dad (the youngest of four), graduated high school, and he wished they called it quits earlier
Itās interesting to note that simply having children [can negatively impact your relationship.](https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2702669/)
We promised our kid that he could stay at home with no bills or rent until he’s finished college. We both agreed that we wanted to send him into the world with more than what we started out with…a nice bank account and a career. When him and his girlfriend are ready to get a house or condo, we’ll figure out our future. Right now, the rent and bills are cheaper with a partner and I live in a house that’s nicer than what I could afford on my own.
I stayed 25 years too long for the kids. Hereās an fyi / adult kids sometimes donāt take to their parents divorcing very well.
Most of us š¤£
Before you get to the part where you are thinking about staying with her for the kids? Why were you even with the woman in the first place? Itās crazy how many wait until things go had then sit ponder on their decisions. I wonder is some look for validation after they make
sh-**y choices. Once you bring children in this world every thing changes. Look a your decision making skills before you blame you partner for being horrible. You slept with them before the kids. You get to make those decisions before you put your children in a situation to get abused by a new man or before they have to live in a poorer neighborhood because now you have decided to see your partner for who there are.
Not blaming you but just see so many people that made bad partner decisions look for Reddit to make them feel good for leaving their children in an even worse situation.
It is a lot of work. I have been married 20 years, and itās better than it ever was. We have one child, she is 15. We are now at the point we can go out on proper dates again. It was tough for the last 10 years or so. I think if the effort to maintain the relationship decreases too much, you naturally drift apart. We have plenty of couples that are divorcing for a myriad of reasons. We work hard to keep the spark alive, many donāt for whatever reason.
Most people
My parents should have split a very long time ago. Grew up with an alcoholic dad that was unconscious 80% of the time.
I think its entirely normal for people to go through periods of being more or less in love. A working marriage takes effort on both parts, and sometimes it takes a bit more effort. Giving up during a rough patch is denying yourself the possibility of the relationship returning to something much better with a bit of work.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with walking away after you’ve tried to fix it. Everyone deserves happiness and if you’re not able to fix the marriage then you should walk away in a way thats a healthy and positive as you can manage for yourself and your children.
I would hope my wife and I arenāt the same people we were all those years ago. That would be pitiful
I never really understood this. Like how old are the kids? 10 years goes by in the blink of an eye. At what point do you stay together for the kids? Like you just had a kid and now youāre trying to bail? When they are 5? 10? You canāt out an effort in for a few years? And then the time is gone anyway?
Along the journey of life, MANY things change… the family dynamics, jobs, houses, friends, co-workers, personal preferences, etc… and the list goes on.
Your relationship with your spouse will stay as strong as you both work on it as much as you work on anything else important to you in life…. but if you let it coast on by, thats what its gonna do.
My husband and I have been through MANY ups and downs… but we both made it a point to check in with each other regularly and help each other stay on track for our marriage… for eachother, bc at the end of the day…. your job you will leave or retire from, your kids will grow up and move out… and if you do not nourish your marriage through it all, there will be nothing but a shell left.
I did for 5 years, then I realized I would be a better person and a better Dad if I got the hell out of there.
Things were hard at first but 7 years later I’m remarried to an amazing woman and recovering/recovered from that shit show of a marriage.
Not sure if they are “early” signs, but when sex stops and she stops being affectionate, that’s a pretty big sign.