TDLR: my girlfriend slept with 12-15 guys in 21 days that we were on a break and I found out months after we got back together.

To preface, my girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years. 6 months ago she expressed to me that she was deeply unhappy and felt like she had lost herself and didn’t know who she was anymore and couldn’t sustain the relationship at that moment in time. I fought hard to convince her to try and work through this and that I’d give her the space and support to do what she needed to do to find happiness again.

She insisted that while she had developed some resentment towards me for things that had happened years ago in our relationship, that the core issue was that she couldn’t find contentment within herself. After several weeks of trying we agreed to take time apart. Initially we agreed that we wouldn’t see other people, but after a couple weeks it became clear that both of us thought it best to explore other people in a *non sexual way. So we started talking to other people.

I went on a date and it wasn’t for me and I knew I wanted to be with her, yet she was very ambivalent. We still spoke every day and also had an intimate relationship throughout this period. Then out of the blue she told me that she wanted to implement a no contact period for 3 weeks. So I respected her wishes and focused on my self and waited the 3 week period.

After the 3 week period she reached out, and we resumed our full exclusive relationship. We had discussions about what had happened during that time, and she disclosed she had had sex with 3 other men. She seemed sincere and very earnest about making things work between us, and the last 3 months have been very good. The other night I was on her IPad and I got curious when I saw a ton of text messages to random numbers and contacts to strange men. So I went into the convos and what I saw horrified me.

She was sexting dozens of men, and I saw in many of the convos that she was sharing her location and telling these men to come over and fuck her. There was plenty of evidence that many of these men had done so. I was fucking shell shocked.

I confronted her and asked that she tell me the truth and she broke down. She told me she regretted the things she had done and that she felt disgusted and ashamed and only wanted to be with me, and that the decisions she made were driven by some sort of mania mixed with dysregulated emotions. She admitted that she had had sex with double digit men in that 3 week period but didn’t specify a number.

She has never done anything like this during our relationship and she has also been honest with me before this. In my heart I want to mend things and move forward but I don’t know how to sort through the aftermath of this information. It breaks my heart. It makes it alot harder because I see the photos these guys sent and they were all very attractive and jacked body builder types. They all looked like fucking gq models. I’m a good looking guy and I take care of myself, but I’m not a body builder. And it’s hard to be intimate with her when I saw the way she spoke to these guys and the images are in my head.

Therapy? Total compartmentalization? I’m not trying to slut shame her, but 3 is a lot different from 12-15 in a 21 day time frame. I’m just so disoriented. I’m not an insecure guy but this is really eating at me. Any advice is appreciated I don’t want to discuss this with anyone in my personal life because I don’t want my friends and family to see her in a different light.


41 comments

  2. You know you don’t have to be okay with this, right?

    I don’t think it’s wrong to sleep with people, but I also think it’s not wrong to drink alcohol and I’d be really concerned and probably unwilling to date someone who disappeared for a week long bender.

  6. Damn dude this thing is over. The sooner you move on the better. PLEASE get tested.

  7. So you cheated in the beginning of your relationship and she had sex with a new man every second day you were broken up?

    Do I understand this correctly?

  8. JFC dude, what more do you need? How about she brings home guys and you can sleep on the couch? MOVE THE FUCK ON.

    Do you know what she had to do to sleep with one guy on average per day? Did I mention, MOVE THE FUCK ON.

  9. She came up with an excuse to breakup with you to sleep with other guys without cheating. Then came back to you because she couldn’t find what she was looking for. Time to end it and move on

  11. Does she have bipolar disorder and is she being properly treated? This whole breakup was incredibly messy and I think you should part ways.

    She just randomly broke up with you because she wasn’t content within herself? How can you trust that this won’t happen again at any moment? 

    Take a full blood panel STD test and remember that you were mislead and lied to multiple times. 

  14. Dude. She’s probably STILL lying. She is only “coming clean” because you caught her. Please have some self respect and end the relationship. Also, get tested!

  15. Was the resentment she harbored about you cheating on her?

    That would make this make more sense. Not saying you shouldn’t feel what you feel, but I can see how she might act in that manner if she had trouble getting over her feelings from something like that.

  16. That genuinely sounds like mental illness/mania which is something she should work on herself before hopping into a relationship

  17. INFO “She developed some resentment towards me for things that had happened years ago…” Can you explain what that thing was?

  18. Your girlfriend was in a crisis and turned to sex. You know this is not rational behaviour. She needs help.

    I don’t know if your relationship can survive this.

  19. 15 people in 3 weeks is insane. That’s a guy almost every day.

    I think even some hookers don’t manage to find that many clients.

  21. This would eat at anyone, even non-monogamous folks. 15 in 21 days is a doozy. Not to mention reckless and a danger to YOUR health. If you’ve had sex with her since, I highly recommend getting tested. Fuck man, that’s done. How do you get over that knowledge and mental image without driving yourself insane? I don’t think anyone can unless you truly do not give a fuck about this kind of thing.

  22. Sorry but that is absolutely repulsive. I would be off without a second thought.

  23. “she had resentment towards me for something that happened years ago in the relationship.”

    Sounds important. Wonder why OP never expanded on that.
    *Checks comments*
    Oh…

    Bro, you cheated on her and want advice on how to move past her sleeping with other people during a break? Just break up, damn.

  24. I feel worse for her honestly. That didn’t sound like ‘I’m gonna break up to have some fun’. That sounds like she was in a wildly dark place and something came out that needs to be addressed in therapy. No matter how hot the guys were, I don’t think this was just fun necessarily. That amount of men and quick sex just having them come over? It sounds a lot darker than cheeky fun. Sounds manic and compulsive.

  26. You cheated and after you two broke up, she decided to get her lick back without the guilt of cheating. She might have lied but shes more honest than you. If you both arent strangers to sleeping around then get over it. Let it go. She didnt break your trust like you did hers. And honestly, I think you two are good for each other. Messy. So keep yalls mess together.

  28. Wait it turns out you were the one who cheated first. Trust me, just end it now. Once trust is broken it never can fully be repaired. It will always be a broken relationship without full trust.

  29. OP is a cheater. While I think the gf is a bit insane and gross, the OP is worse. At least she did this on a break. Maybe they are perfect for each other.

  30. As long as you can make sure she never feels insecure again then rest assured, this will not happen again.

    The likelyhood of that happening: ~0%.

    The relationship was already dying when you wanted to open up to explore others, her actions sealed of any chance of reconciliation.

  31. Okay, genuinely, you are very much underreacting. There’s NO way this wasn’t planned. She found out a way to cheat on you in a way that didn’t look as bad as just outright doing it, and she took that. I’d never be able to see my partner again, like I’m disgusted on YOUR behalf. I hope you got tested if you’ve been with her since, btw.

  33. This is manosphere ragebait. HIGHLY implausible and packed with wayyyy too many details tailor-made to hit every fear and insecurity of a very specific audience that thinks this shit happens.

    I mean, come on…12-15 *different* guys? In 21 days? She couldn’t find any that wanted some repeat casual sex, had to be different guys? Oh and they ALL look like GQ bodybuilder/model types. Of course they did.

    And then there’s the totally normal, reasonable, not-insecure guy who just got blindsided and “destroyed” because this is just the kind of thing women do, right? Any normal guy could wake up one day and find out his girlfriend broke up to run a three-week revolving door of GQ models. Could happen to anybody. Better watch out, guys!

    You’ve hit the full checklist…long-term (otherwise normal?) girlfriend who “lost herself,” the noble supportive boyfriend who “gave her space,” the conveniently timed no-contact window, the soft confession that turns into 12 to 15 upon digging, the iPad full of sexts and “come over now” messages, and of course a perfectly curated lineup of jacked, GQ-looking guys. All in a GF who’s super sorry and just really wants to make it work now that she’s gotten it all out of her system.

    It’s the exact caricature of a woman “finding herself”that terminally online dudes think is real and are terrified of it happening to them.

    Even my unemployed, drug addicted, and arguably sex-addicted BPD and bipolar friend couldn’t rack up that many in that that amount of time in her wildest manic episode.

    Is your GF mentally unwell, off her meds, unemployed, and in a manic spiral? Because that’s about the only way this is even remotely plausible. If not… I’m calling bullshit. This is not something that just casually happens outside of a mental break.

  35. Info:
    1. When did she last exchange a message with these guys?
    2. How do you know she never did this before?
    3. Why are you sure this would never happen again?
    4. Why, specifically, is she ashamed of this?
    5. Why does she think you should take her back after this revelation? She already said she was unhappy with you for some time. It sounds like you weren’t happy either if you were searching through her files for private information.
    6. What is the significance of these guys being so good-looking? It conveys the idea that she feels you aren’t good enough for her. If this were truly some compulsion, she wouldn’t care about picking top echelon guys

  36. I mean, there’s something flattering about the fact she went off with so many other people and then decided she still wanted you back afterwards. 👍

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