This was a bad move and extremely out of character for me, so I don’t know where to even begin trying to make it up to him.
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year. We broke up once in September as he was having significant issues in his life, but it was triggered by a party where he was really drunk and on speed, got rude and dismissive towards me, and then shouted at me outside of his house about not understanding while I was upset when I tried to leave. Then when I stayed over, he left me in bed alone without telling me, and didn’t want to talk about it because he was hungover.
He came back a couple months later, telling me that he loves me and things have largely been okay – but we have had hiccups. He has blind spots. A couple months ago all his friends/some of our mutual friends went on a big weekend away, I didn’t find out about it til one of my mutual friends asked if I was going, my boyfriend forgot to invite me and by the time I addressed it with him it was too late. He’s cancelled time together to hang out with friends, that sort of thing. I’ve addressed issues with him as they’ve come up because often they’ve made me feel relatively neglected. Last week, even, we were meant to hang out and I asked if he could come down to hang out at my house after I found out my family was being evacuated from the Middle East and was freaking out, and I wanted to talk to him about it in person. He said no because he was tired and the buses were weird. I asked if I could meet him halfway and he said no, I then told him what was going on and he got upset with me for not telling him then asked for space. It wasn’t until I called, upset and scared, that he opened up to coming down.
So there was recent tension. But we’ve been largely okay until yesterday. He invited me out with his friends for St. Patrick’s Day then told me he intended to do speed at the pub. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that because of what happened last time and he said that if other people are around to do it, he’s going to do it as it’s the kind of night he wants to have. I felt bad feeling like I needed to withdraw from a hangout just because of his drug choices. While I would’ve stayed over at his place because the pub was closer to him, he then compromised with me by saying he could go to his place and do speed at home with his friends and I could go back to my house. So I went with that.
A couple drinks in his friends disappeared. I asked where he went and he said to do speed in the bathroom but he looked visibly disappointed. I told him that I felt like sometimes substances matter more than me and he got really upset, he said I was being cruel and he didn’t want to be around me. I was a bit drunk by this point so I just went outside and sat down to figure out my next move. Our mutual friend nearby-ish was going to be off work soon and was open to head home with me so I wouldn’t be alone that late. A woman who lived nearby came and stayed with me and wanted my boyfriend’s contact details, but I didn’t want to put him in that position, so I called and asked if he could come outside so I wouldn’t be by myself and the woman with me wouldn’t worry. He did, but got upset with me and said he didn’t want to talk about things or be around me and went back inside with his friends and said he’d talk to me in a few days.
I don’t drink or get drunk often, and when I do I don’t tend to make stupid choices. But in my hurt and upset about being left outside I told him I didn’t want this and I broke up with him. When I woke up I realised my mistake and unsent the messages which, again, my mistake, but I asked if we could call to talk. He then said he was baffled that I’d dump him over text and was furious with my behaviour and would talk to me when he’s ready.
I really messed up. I was fed up and I made an impulsive decision out of being hurt. I’ve respected his decision not to reach out to him and will wait until he’s ready but I don’t know if there’s any way for me to fix this.