Having an issue right now where my parents (65M, 62W) are blowing up my phone over the prenup my fiance (28) and I (29) are in the process of finalizing.
She and I have been together for 5 years, living together for 3. She's the one, she's my best friend, I couldn't begin to imagine a life without her. I proposed last year and we've been squaring away the logistics of getting married before we start wedding planning, aiming for fall.
We've been working in parallel to finalize a prenup, and we're both feeling good about how it's turning out. My sister (26) had recommended the lawyer I'm working with and she asked me how it was going. I really really regret this in hindsight but I told her it was going well, that we we agree on the division of assets, family planning- and she cut me off when I mentioend that. She said "You can't dictate child support in your prenup" and I tried to clarify, saying it wasn't for child support, but reorganizing asset division & financial payouts towards my fiance if we have kids. Im seriously face palming even typing this out because I should have known not to share that with her.
Long story short, she ended up telling my mom, and now both of my parents are blowing up my phone insinuating (or flat out stating) that my fiance is taking advantage of me and that I have to call off the engagement. I told them I know what I'm doing and to keep their feedback to themselves, but we'll see if that takes (Hint: it won't).
The point of my post though is to ask, what are other couples who plan/anticipate having kids doing with their prenups (if you have one)? In ours as it stands right now, there's a provision that allocates a 6-figure payout per child to my fiance *if* we have biological children. To be clear, both of us are okay with not having biological kids or kids at all if that's what we find most comfortable in our marriage. But because we're not solidly child-free and sterilized either, we feel it's prudent to have compensation for pregnancy and birth related work incorporated into the prenup to cover our bases ahead of time. The way my sister (a mom of 2 herself) reacted and told my parents threw me off guard, so I wanted to check if this was unconventional or if my family was nuts (They are). They are threatening to not come to the wedding at all if this is finalized.
37 comments
So what does the lawyer you paid for have said about all this?
Sounds very sensible to me
Unless your parents are lawyers objecting to this on a legal basis, I have no idea why you give a shit what they think.
Whatever you agree to in your prenup is your business, whatever that choice may be.
Tell your family they don’t have to come to the wedding if that’s how they feel.
Sounds fair (at least) – having kids will have a big impact on her future earnings, as well as in the period of pregnancy and maternity leave, so six figures seems a reasonable ball park (plus child support?)
Do you both have (separate!) attorneys to advise you? If yes, you are good to go and no one else’s opinion matters. If you’re only using one attorney, then I am inclined to agree with people being concerned – although, more on your fiancée’s behalf than yours. Especially if you’re in the USA, where this is an ethics issue for the attorney, and can make a prenup completely unenforceable in the majority of court rooms if a judge gets even a sniff of an unrepresented party.
What everyone else said, and you seem to recognize not over sharing anymore.
One of the things about growing up is that you have to learn how and when to tell your parents that certain things are none of their business. This is one of those times
I feel like they don’t like her and you’re just finding out. They clearly don’t care how this will affect your relationship.
As I have seen it, this a somewhat common and reasonable clause. What I’m most concerned about is that now your family is up in the middle of your marriage. The relationship between them and her may never recover. Are they going to let this go and treat your wife respectfully? You need to get ahead of this and tell them to straighten up. If you can’t do that, then let her go so she can avoid the circus.
Group text to parents/sister
“Thanks for your interest, however this prenup is between fiancée and I and as we are going into married life will make decisions together.”
You learned from
Your mistake of speaking about the prenup to your sister-if my husband had given that private info out to his family I would not felt
Supported or safe around them-and it would have made me seriously question if he’s the right person for me.
Set some boundaries-you are a adult
Your parents should have no say so or input on how you handle your relationship.
I don’t know how they’re upset? It sounds reasonable and more fair than most prenups. And most importantly- you are okay with it so why aren’t they? I feel like they are upset that your fiancee could end up with all your money so they get nothing. Men’s family have this weird possessiveness over their son/brother.
I am from NZ where is is in our legislation for both child support and spousal maintenance so there’s no opting out if one party faces an economic disparity post separation (doesn’t matter if it’s the male or female). But you need to man up and tell your family to keep their noses out of this. You are both happy and receiving legal advice, it is none of their business! And in future pick and choose more wisely what your share with family. Their reaction is ridiculous though. If you have kids and she gives up her career to care for them while yours prospers, then of course she should be compensated for that. Women face far more discrimination in the workplace when returning to work having dependent children at home. If she doesn’t give up her career though then there’s no economic disparity post separation so no money other than child support should be awarded. That is how it works here in NZ. There is absolutely no contracting out of it.
If both of you and your lawyers say this is fair and reasonable, then those are the only opinions that matter.
As a divorced mom, I wish we had figured out something like this. We were not well-off enough for your specific prenup to make sense, but my career definitely took a hit with having a kid, and it was really obvious in my retirement accounts by the time we divorced. I think this is a really smart thing you’re doing, and you’re a better partner for it.
We calculated having a 2nd kid and my lost productivity from work (independent contractor, so still working but less hustle as I’m the primary parent) was about $275k in the 5 years before heading off to public school. That’s even with having childcare for 4 days a week.
I could see a payout model like that being so critical for maintaining retirement, personal investment, and just the added costs of lost wages.
There was just a very similar post about this that was deleted because legal issues aren’t the focus of this sub. Curious that this was posted right after.
Have your parents ever expressed reservations about your fiancé before? What’s their relationship with her like? If everything has been fine up until this point, I would just tell them you’ve consulted the advice of an attorney and are comfortable with the arrangement and it’s not their business how you conduct your financial affairs. If they’ve expressed negative sentiment about your fiancé before though, this could be an extension of that. Have they previously said they think she’s taking advantage of you, doesn’t love/respect you, is a bad partner, etc?
More Prenups should include compensation for lost earning potential and the physical damage pregnancy does to a woman. As long as both your lawyers and your partner think it’s fair, who are we to judge?
You’re a good man. Your parents.. not so much.
Edit* grammar
Granted, I’ve only known 3 couples whom had a prenup, but none of them involved the wife being compensated for having children.
tell them that you understand exactly where they are coming from and appreciate their concern, and then tell your fiancé to say the same if it ever comes up. and then continue on as planned
if they follow up say you’re gonna talk to your lawyer about their concerns and then take the lawyers advice. and then do what you were gonna do anyway, which is what the lawyer advised
now you know two things 1. you will not be able to keep them close if they know too much and 2. your sister is likely jealous of your fiancé
I actually don’t see the issue with this. Two reasons for this. First of all, it’s your business and nobody else’s. Secondly, I can very much see how if a woman with no children gets divorced, she doesn’t in general have as many financial obligations as a divorced woman with children. This accounts for that.
I really like it if I’m honest. We do lose a chunk of our careers and potential promotions etc if / when we have kids. Then with childcare costs a lot of us end up becoming sahms. A six figure payout seems a bit extreme but hey, if you can afford it i guess. Regardless of what I think or anyone else, it’s between you and your fiancé and your family has no right to interfere. They can express their opinions but threatening to not attend your wedding over it? Are they always so manipulative? Stand your ground and agree that LC or NC is preferable to having people in your life trying to control you
I think it’s really smart. Women take a financial hit when they have kids it’s smart to be protected and work things out
I’d say before you stress about financial wording, actually decide & agree between you both IF you want kids or not BEFORE the wedding as that is not something you can compromise on!
It is extremely unconventional from the pov of your parents’ generation esp where the woman is just supposed to embrace pregnancy and labour and childbearing for the immense joy of it all. It is unconventional for a lot of people *today* to consider that childbearing, pregnancy, and labour has any tangible “value” attached to it such that you could put a monetary number on it, simply bc this is nature’s way. Who are you to try and equalize what nature has deemed an acceptable cost from a woman’s body?
None of that has anything to do with the legal framework of your prenup, where the only advice you should listen to is from your actual lawyers. Your relationship dynamic is yours and as long as you both line up on how you valuate your labour and contribution to the relationship, more power to you.
This is also not *that* unconventional in the context of high income modern couples, esp if the childbearing partner might also have to take hits to her career due to pregnancy and childbearing. Until males can incubate in their body, this is the only thing that remotely equalizes the labour of biological children.
It makes sense to me. Though my only comment is even for non biological children moms still get mommy tracked at work and still tend to be the ones taking the hit to take off work when kids are sick/whatever.
Basically, that pregnancy and childbirth is not the only time in a child’s life the mom makes a sacrifice career wise. If you guys plan to manage that equally it’s probably less of an issue, but wonder if it’s going to be that way not knowing exactly what is the reasoning why your assets are so much higher than hers. In other words if it’s your job that has given you such substantial wealth, will you truly be taking on the sacrifice of kids equally if they’re not biological? Or will it be on your wife since her income is less?
I’m a divorce attorney.
Your wife to be and yourself maturely deciding to do this and contracting for it in advance of your marriage tells me two things: (1) you have immense respect for her and the future mother of your children, and her sacrifices to give life, and (2) the odds that you will need this prenup are slim to none because of the respect and maturity you have for one another.
Silence your family or tell them to not bother coming if they’re so perturbed. The most valuable thing you’ve already learned is to not share marital issues or conversations with family. Your attorneys have yours and your fiancé’s best interests in mind.
Wishing you the best of luck on your marriage. Putting her first starts in spite of your family’s displeasure starts now.
This is some rich people sht wow
Your parents and sister don’t have a say in this. This is between you and your future spouse. Period.
Your family needs to mind their own damn business. You & your fiancée are the only ones who need to be in agreement. Kindly tell everyone else to “fuck off”.
The prenup is exactly what I’d sign if I were in your position and is appropriate and reasonable in every way. You’d be crazy to call off the wedding and likely will regret it the rest of your life. Tell your parents you will not discuss it any further and if they don’t attend the wedding, that’s on them. If you give in, then be prepared to do so for the rest of your life.
It’s your marriage, your future, and your wife. The rest of the family has no stake and it’s none of their business. if the prenup takes care of both parties then UPDATEME
Pretty sure that’s the whole point of a prenup. To come to an agreement on terms such as these…. Your Mom sounds like she’s bored tbh.
Standing up to your parents is the hardest thing ever… But it needs to be done. You are adults who are in love and planning your future together. Your parents do not fit into that equation. If they choose to flake, that’s more of a reflection of them than you. Sorry they’re being so crappy about it. They truly have no say though.
You need to tell your parents that they do not understand what is being done since they only have your sister’s interpretation. You need to let them know that they do not get to weigh in on how you and your fiancée manage your finances or your relationship. If the two of you are happy, that’s all that matters
It sounds like your prenup has been thoughtfully crafted — I’ll assume an attorney is involved — and you as a couple are in agreement. She’s not marrying your parents, so they really must be told two things. 1. We have legal counsel for guidance on documenting our mutual agreement, so we don’t need additional input. 2. Carefully consider how your words and behavior may affect the relationship you have with your future grandchildren. You cannot talk trash about their mother and expect to be included in their lives.
Acknowledge their comments come from a place of concern, but tell them that they’re concern is misplaced and inappropriate considering you are an adult — a fully grown man who makes his own decisions. If you get any pushback after that, ask them if they have any doubts about how well they raised you that would make them question you now. Or do they think they did a good job and that you’ll be fine without parental training wheels.