29F. Wondering why I’m so different than other women. The women around me, even the younger ones, are so much more successful at dating than I am. My friends/coworkers are always telling me about the guys they’re dating, or the ones that want to date them. I just don’t get why I’m so different.
I had my first date ever about two weeks ago. It went well (I thought) and we went on two more dates after. He abruptly ended it in the middle of planning our fourth date. I was waiting on confirmation for the plans we made and he just sent a text saying he was moving on. That’s fine, I didn’t bother him.
But now I’m just wondering why I’m SO different. Why is it so hard for me to get a relationship? I’m kind, I’m pretty, smart, capable, I have a good work ethic and just want to make people happy. I have good intentions. I’m a good person. I love to make people laugh and I want to see them smile. I just want to feel how it feels to be loved by someone that’s not obligated to love me. I want to be chosen. I wanna know what that feels like. I’m tired of being an outsider.
15 comments
At least he told you he was moving on lol
Much better than ghosting
It’s like that for non-autistic people as well so don’t let that bring you down. I do wish people would signal their neurodivergence more openly so I could seek them out lol. I find friendships, dating etc. so much easier with others who are on the spectrum.
Neurodivergence. I run into that issue with relationships as well, be it people I am dating or not. People who aren’t it gets confusing very quickly for them, their brain isn’t wired like that.
By no means is it you, at least for that and, if there isn’t anything else apart from that.
Are you using apps? If you really wanted to, you could probably organize a ton of dates over it, but they wouldn’t necessarily be great quality. I wouldn’t worry that you’re “behind” on dates – you might just be vetting people more aggressively. That’s not always a bad thing. And if you want more dates, being more active on the apps should help with that (if you’ve got a decent profile).
Sometimes due to different social cues people will take things the wrong way. Its not your fault so dont hold yourself accountable. Its simply they weren’t for you and they seemingly never tried to figure it out themselves either. Clear communication is key after all.
Reading this honestly made me stop for a second because I understand that feeling more than you might think.
I know what it feels like to look around and see everyone else seemingly move through relationships like it is the most natural thing in the world while you feel like you are on the outside trying to understand the rules. It can make you start questioning yourself in ways that are really unfair to who you actually are.
But one thing that stood out to me in what you wrote is this. You just had your first date two weeks ago. That is not failure. That is literally the beginning. Most people who seem comfortable dating have years of awkward attempts, misreads, rejection, and confusion behind them. They just rarely talk about that part.
Three dates is also not nothing. Someone choosing to spend time with you multiple times means there was genuine interest there at some point. The fact that he moved on says more about how unpredictable early dating can be than it says anything about your worth as a person.
You described yourself as kind, capable, funny, and someone who genuinely wants to make people happy. Those are not small qualities. Those are the exact traits that actually sustain real relationships long term. The frustrating part is that early dating does not always reward those traits immediately.
I also want to say this. Wanting to feel chosen by someone who does not have to choose you is a very real and very human desire. There is nothing strange or wrong about wanting that kind of connection.
Feeling like an outsider hurts. I know that feeling well. But being different does not mean you are unlovable or destined to be alone. Sometimes it just means you connect with fewer people, but when you do connect it tends to be deeper and more meaningful.
You are not behind. You are just starting something that most people have been clumsily practicing for years. Give yourself some patience and some grace.
I’m noticing a pattern here, want to be clear this isn’t an attack or anything like that just trying to help it seems to me you’re attracting a lot of emotionally unavailable men into your life. Have you done the work on yourself? Maybe talk to a therapist? Do you have a clear understanding of what you want and don’t want in a healthy relationship? Again I want to be clear not trying to be mean or anything like that.
As a 34M I’ve learned you can’t compare yourself to other people
Im autistic and bipolar, and sometimes I really just pause and wonder about why my girl still likes me
You’ve been dating two weeks and the first person you dated didn’t work out? This sounds normal and expected, most people don’t end up in a relationship with the first person you date and you probably need some practice too.
The main difference is probably that most woman & men have been dating for years and have refined their taste and understanding & conditioned themselves to learn and not take much emotional penalties for rejection. Once they had a good experience they learn there is just a way lower ratio of success to failure and they can accept it easier. Most people in relationships have been rejected dozens and dozens of times
The only thing you can do is keep trying until you meet the right guy as you learn in the dating world.
You are too harsh on yourself. 🫶
“My whole life is failure”, “its not normal”….thats really hard, so please try to be gentle on yourself…If you don’t love yourself and your life, than how you are expecting that someone loves you? 💞
Instead constantly ripped yourself off, try to bring a little bit of love: I am proud of yourself and finally I am in dating world , completely open for some good guy.
You had your struggles and you survived. You are a brave woman. Should be very proud of yourself!
Ok, let’s past be in past. You are only 29, those are beautiful ages. You are mature enough and still young.
If you feel that you are suffering, struggling with a world around you, maybe consider psychotherapy? For me, it’s changed my whole emotional world. Think about it, nothing to be ashamed of.
I wish you all the best and virtual hug! 🍀
I feel you. You are doing great, and your first date went on pretty well because you got more dates. It sometimes doesn’t work out, I wouldn’t sweat it. There are much more out there, just keep trying is all my advice.
Don’t give up I’m a frim believer that there is someone out there for
Everyone
I’ve ASD as well. Part of it is social communication difficulties. So I work with a psychologist to identify, mitigate, and strengthen those aspects of me. E.g. role playing scenarios.
You have just described the dating experience of 90+ percent of women everywhere.
Based on your description, you are not different in terms of your experience(s).
Being autistic may be your diagnosis, but not necessarily the reason for your experience.