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I have my long-awaited fourth date with green-flag guy tomorrow. He’s had his kids for the past week, so we haven’t seen each other in-person at all… but we had long phone calls a couple times after his kids had gone to bed, and last night, he even took half an hour and jumped on a zoom call I was having with three of my best friends. He’s been so great, and everything has just felt so easy.
This morning we were flirting over text, and he explicitly asked me about my physical boundaries for the date tomorrow. We’ve been teasing each other a lot about the challenge of taking it slow (which I asked for) when our chemistry is so good. I really appreciate that he wanted clarity before we got into it tomorrow; and he took care to say that he’s really into me but respects my boundaries, so he’ll be enthusiastic about whatever I’m comfortable with.
He makes me so, so happy.
Continuing this from yesterday’s discussion thread. Spoke to my friends and they all said I fumbled hard. I basically acted like I wasn’t interested in her at the end when I was. She hasn’t responded to my message either.
> I had a great date with a girl from Bumble today but I fumbled the ball twice. We met at a coffee shop in the afternoon and had a great time together, talking and laughing about random stuff.
> The first fumble was when we left the cafe and she asked what I was doing after our time together. I told her I’m going home and getting ready for my vacation on Tuesday even though I felg like I still had lots of time to pack. Plus I couldn’t pack until I took out my summer clothes and finished doing my errands.
> The second fumble was when she noted that I seem to be undecided about moving out from my mom’s home. She probably got the sense that my mom is a single parent to my sister and I and only recently did my sister move in with her fiancee.
> The worst fumble is when we said our goodbyes and I said let’s swap phone numbers and text off the app. She was taking out her phone and instead I said I’ll message her with my number when I get home or later (don’t remember). Obviously I immediately regretted it but the damage was done. Then I got home and immediately had to start cleaning the house and finishing all my errands so I could start the process of packing so I didn’t actually message her until 5 hours later with my number.
> I feel like an idiot now. I really liked her too. I still have much to learn and need to be more confident. I should probably move out too but I hate how if I do, I’m borderline living paycheque to paycheque.
I hopped back onto the apps after being off of them for awhile, and am just wondering why is it such a recurring theme for matches to chat you up all throughout the work week and then disappear come the weekend?
Last week, I had three matches engaging me fully in conversation and even ask if I wanted to do a video or phone call. In all of those instances, the calls went great and were for 1-1.5 hours. Afterward, they all expressed interest in wanting to meet up or at the very least do another call sometime. I felt really hopeful that at least one of them would translate into a meetup in person so I offered up my availabilities ahead of the weekend, but none of them really gave me a firm answer on wanting to meetup. Friday came around, and like clockwork, everyone disappeared. I haven’t heard from any of them all weekend long.
This seems to be a pattern with people on the apps. It’s hard to decipher what the reason is but also frustrating that they leave it on you to wonder. Did they lose interest? Are they prioritizing other matches? Are they just on the apps because they’re bored at work and need a dopamine fix to break up their day to day, but forget about all of that once they return to their “real lives” on the weekend? I get that people have more social plans on weekends, but if few have time during the work week either (hence why you’re messaging/doing video chats,) what’s the option to when you’ll meet then?
At any rate, I’ve begun to set firm boundaries because my time is important and have begun unmatching anyone who does this come Monday because it’s become a red flag to me.
2 things here: It feels illegal for me to like men AND to have them know that I like them. It genuinely feels illegal based on their behavoir.
2nd thing: after a guy I have a small crush on asked if I was interested in dating him ( & he clarified that he just got out of a relationship & wasn’t looking to date anyone right now), I had responded in clarity and truth. Which was: I think you’re cute but I’m also aware of your situation, & Im also not pursuing dating right now either. However, I’d like to get to know either way.
I thought I had conveyed that my friendship was still open, no pressure or expectations. And his response has been to avoid me altogether.
I’ve decided I’m not going to seek clarity or to be understood anymore. It feels as though, many folks are committed to misunderstanding me, & I’m just going to let them. Because whether it’s friends or a relationship, the people who will best be suited in my life will approach communication similarly to me: with curiousity & understanding.
Edit: I should mention that we met through a mutual friend & I introduced him to my friend group that is part of a public meet up. Our encounters have been strictly in platonic group hangouts & I see no reason to change this.
Speed Dating I thought was good – I got 3 matches, 2 of which I was definitely very interested in…well those 2 ghosted me immediately, and the 3rd I went on a date with and we weren’t compatible. He wants multiple kids and a dog or dogs, I want my cat and money (no kids) lol. I cried about it a bit yesterday (not about him specifically but like…when will it be my turn!!) but at least I don’t feel the pressure to have kids/the pressure of a biological clock. The only maternal instinct I have is toward cats and at 31 I kind of don’t think that will immediately change. And I really don’t like dogs…
I’m pretty consistently surprised/amused at how many men want kids. Like, I’d want kids too if I didn’t have to be pregnant and then do most of the taking care of them. There’s a fundamental disconnect I think and it’s interesting to see play out in my dating escapades.
An observation I haven’t fully concluded upon the meaning of yet.
I was at a dance class last week. We were learning a move where the follow basically is walking around the lead.
I was dancing with a woman and she commented “you’re taking really small steps.”
I replied “yea, I take small steps because you’re walking around me. If I took big steps, you’d have to take huge steps to compensate.”
I’ve been dancing for years so conceptually this idea has been ingrained in me – in many moves, if I take big steps, the follow has to take huge steps. So I step small.
Anyway we continued rotating partners until the end of class. That woman sat next to me as I was changing shoes and said something along the lines of “it was nice of you to adjust what you were doing to accommodate my comfort.”
From a dating perspective, I think unfortunately a lot of women get treated as a thing to get. And men are like…showing off trying to win a woman over. It’s ego driven.
Just a reminder from a guy who’s happily relationshiped…Being genuinely considerate of others is a dying art, and one that will absolutely make you stand out in dating.
I feel like I fucked up an opportunity for a decent FWB. He was being so consistent and interested in chat and I just dropped the ball twice on him. I don’t blame him for being frustrated and I wasn’t even avoiding responding to him – just busy and lost time. He hasn’t deleted the chat so I’m hoping beyond hope that he gives me one last chance.
Meanwhile, I’m chatting with a new guy who is 8 years my senior. I’m used to dating younger guys so this could be interesting. The only bad thing is he has a mirror selfie that’s giving Buffalo Bill vibes and I really don’t want to end up on the evening news…
I basically broke things off over voice note yesterday with someone I’m really in love with and who I thought felt the same for me. The bar was on the floor and it still wasn’t being met and I was so tired of feeling disrespected and deprioritized and having to prod and beg for that bare minimum the last few weeks. I was sooo tired of all the ostensibly heartfelt apologies with zero follow through. He’s listened to it but hasn’t responded yet. I’m just sad today chat
4 months in and we haven’t said i love you, and im not quite ready yet. On the flip side, my two closest friends who are recently in relationships (under 1 year) both said it 3 months in. Am I abnormal lol
Comparison is the thief of joy and all that, right? 😅
I’m in kind of a bad place mentally right now. My divorce is not yet finalized and my ex is living in my attic apartment until she figures out a new job/living situation, since I don’t want to make her homeless. But I am realizing now that this is basically making it impossible for me to date. That’s reasonable – I would personally have reservations about dating someone living with their ex and still legally married to them. It makes me feel trapped in limbo, though, like I’m being haunted by the ghost of my last relationship.
I know intellectually that this will pass with time, and that I need to be patient. I know that the world isn’t going to run out of single people. But man, once we decided to divorce it really made me realize what a long, long time it’s been since I felt loved or desired, and how much I missed that.
I am just sad right now. I’m sad that I spent so long married but feeling unloved, and I’m sad that I don’t really see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want to move on to the next stage of my life.
I’ve been talking to this one guy and he’s very nice and sweet, and we had a really good time during our date. He for whatever reason told me afterward that he needs to masturbate 10 times a day. I’m not sure why he felt the need to share that information but it feels like a lot even for a pretty horny guy, like it’s suggestive of an addictive habit. Most guys are tapped after a few times at most each day. He seems like a nice guy otherwise…
Has anyone paid a photographer to take pics for your app profiles? Has it improved your success rate and how much did you pay? I suck a taking photos of myself, my selfie game makes me look uglier than normal, so I’m wondering if its a good investment.
Got to know a group of friends through an online game and I’ve developed a crush on one of them from their voice and the way they talk. Prob stemming from being a hopeless romantic and lonely, I’ve been dreaming of being together and stuff. Sigh.
He’s from a neighbouring country so it’s not like we can’t meet up but yeah, safer route is to continue getting to know him as a friend. I don’t know if I can do this for a year or more lol. Feelings, whyy
Past month I had two close mutual friends essentially break up when they had been discussing kids and marriage at some point. Caught in the middle trying to support them and be a friend.
My close cousin and his partner broke up after 5 years. His friend had broken up with his partner of 8 years just the week prior.
Then I have a close family and friends in marriages that have relationships dynamics that I don’t really want for myself.
A fair reminder to myself to be patient and find the person who I hopefully stay for the rest of my life with, but even if it ends, we’ll be ok and it’s a life experience.
Ended up having very strong mutual feelings for a newly married women I work with. Nothing physical happened but she clearly had an emotional affair with me. It took a few months but I pushed her away enough that things cooled down. She was (maybe still is) completely obsessed with me and called me her soulmate. I’ve had to set some very firm boundaries with her with much protest.
Over those months I learned that I’m not the first guy – there are a few others and now she’s besties with all of them. I’ve had to ask her multiple times to stop calling me sweetheart. And now 2 weeks after what I’m told was a near-divorce inducing conversation about emotional boundaries with her husband, now she’s pregnant!
I’m having a moment reflecting on how many red flags we’re willing to ignore when strong feelings get involved. I’ve been pretty staunchly no-kids for most of my life and I was even thinking “well maybe I could” since she wants a family. Hormones are crazy.
Feeling like I skilfully dodged a bullet here and proud of myself. In the past I would have sat in the friendzone, maybe even tried something sneaky – but now, I know my worth and can see it for what it is. Most importantly, I know what I deserve and I’m able to push away situations that don’t feel right. Feeling the emotional progress and I’m grateful I’ve put in the work.