Did you lose courage as you aged, if so how did you deal with it?

42 comments

1. Here’s an original copy of /u/Baeon_’s post (if available):

   A bit of a strange question, but I would love your takes and advice.

   As I age and got closer to my thirties, I found myself losing a lot of the courage that I once had as a young man. When I was young, I had no difficulty pushing back on other peoples ideas, standing my ground, and, if needed, telling someone to go f*ck themselves. respectfully and fully in control of myself and my emotions.

   But every year that I get older, my fear gets stronger and my courage takes a nose dive. As soon as someone disagrees with me in the slightest my entire body goes numb, I lose the ability to talk, and my hands get very shaky. Complete fight/flight/freeze mode for something as simple as a disagreement on when an email was sent.

   I also find myself becoming a person of 0 or 100. As in I can be either as a calm as can be when someone disagrees with me while being very scared and frozen, or completely losing it and screaming at someone like we are on a battlefield. Neither of these are a good thing. I simply want to stand my ground with going full paralysed mode or becoming a mini hulk.

   Any thoughts or similar experiences from men aged 30 or over.

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2. Oh I don’t know this feeling.

   I give even less fucks today than before.

   Maybe you have more to lose now?

3. I’m late 30s and definitely lost a tonne of confidence. Comes down to just not going out a whole lot anymore. I used to be a social butterfly and very unbothered by anything.

   Now I can’t think of going anywhere without my brain screaming “worst that could happen” scenarios. It fluctuates a lot. I’m well aware thoughts are thoughts and working against them makes them go away. I’m not at risk of agoraphobia. Just saying, it’s a very use it or lose it thing. I’ve had some rough times in life. They seem to amplify and magnify the less I engage with the world.

4. You might be suffering from anxiety, avoidance is a pattern. Go talk to your doctor.

5. That discomfort can be a good thing. It’s a chance for growth. A lot of that can shift if you can see how some of those challenges can shape some of those things that come across as your opinions or feelings are a judgement of you being simply wrong.

   A lot of my early 30s were this way, and I didn’t take this view. It included a lot of wasted energy.

6. For me, some version of this is the flip side of learning from my mistakes in life, and gaining healthy humility.

   I’ll still stand my ground on key issues, but have a more lenient attitude and a more willingness to listen despite some initial comment sounding bad. That is also a result of realizing that some sentences that come out of people’s mouths aren’t to be regarded as 100% what they intended, without giving them a chance to clarify and build context. Especially in this social media age, our minds are too trained to be triggered by certain words or expressions, and it takes some effort to remain more collected and nuanced.

   I’d focus a bit on that hulk side of things first, and only then figure out how to not have unnecessary fear of speaking out when needed. All of this is also pretty context dependent. You need different modes in close relationships, work settings and with drinking buddies.

7. I don’t think it’s losing courage as much as the stakes tend to get higher.

   You’re at 30 now so it’s likely the consequences of your actions affect more than just you.

   People tend to depend on you more as you become an older man. People expect more from you.

   In your 20s, nobody really expects anything from you, and nobody really depends on you.

   Of course there are exceptions but this is generally how it is.

   Pushing back, standing up to others, all much easier when only you have to bear the weight of the consequences. When it starts affecting others, then you tend to think about it more, especially, is this fight even worth having.

8. Not at all. I’ve only gained more confidence as I’ve gotten older

9. I can relate, though yours sounds a bit more intense.

   I have more responsibility, higher stakes to my life, and I’m more sensitive to warning of instability or risk.

   My baseline anxiety has been heightened over time, I had very little when I was younger, but not its something I have to actively manage with walking and meditation.

   In another odd case, my fear of heights has gotten worse lately. As I write this thinking about examples, my feet hurt and I feel my stomach drop. Its not debilitating, but I notice I am more sensitive to that fear now.

   At work, I am more sensitive to reproach from my boss, meetings with my boss fill me with dread. Much of my life hangs in the balance of his opinion of me, and that makes me want to avoid him.

10. Nah. I’m much more emboldened now than I ever have been.

11. Did something happen? This feels like some kind of ptsd

12. I was in fights between 17y-23y until I was almost knifed to death; then took a more cautious approach to my interactions with strangers. My violent phase gave me PTSD, but I got the Disorder part under control, so it doesn’t influence my life too much. Still, I don’t want to sit with my back to the door and I will make my exit if I can feel a negative change in the vibe; like being at a party and people getting more and more drunk as the evening progresses, I will bail before the quarrelling begins.

    I know I can hold my own, but I just know that fights cannot be won, only survived. I’d rather avoid those type of situations and feel no urgency to prove myself to strangers. Best way to deal with disagreeable people is to agree and make your exit.

13. Any violence at home growing up? Im the exact same way and eventually saw a professional about it and it turns out because I witnessed a lot of conflicts and verbal/psychological violence as a kid my brain goes into flight or fight at the sight of the slythiest possibility of conflicts.

14. Courage when young was is often intolerance as much as anything else. As I get older, I don’t really worry about what others think or do, so long as they aren’t harming others, its not a big deal.

    Maybe it’s a GenX latchkey kid thing, but I can’t say I feel anxious or vulnerable even at 53. I just realize that it’s OK to disagree with other people. Other people usually have their reasons and experience life differently. The people that count are your wife/partner, family, friends and maybe neighbors, neighborhood etc etc.

    The above is part of growing up and having responsibilities. I take fewer risks that might put me out of action because I have other people and pets I’m responsible for. Like I don’t want to break a leg skiing or snowboarding when my wife can’t drive.

    What you describe sounds different, like you have some underlying anxiety problem. If it’s as bad as it sounds, you might want to talk to someone about it. Not being able to talk and getting shaky don’t seem normal.

15. 53 here…

    You lose some and gain some, in my experience…

    With the responsibilities of family, mortgage, etc… adult stuff… I think you lose a wee bit… you learn to play it safer than you might have prior etc…

    On the other hand.., with kids, spouse etc, you tend to gain a bit too… the whole ‘don’t mess with my family’ thing as a parent…

    As for arguing etc.., I think I’ve learned a lot of patience.. and that it’s often best to walk away from drama …

16. You might not be losing your courage so much as losing your impulsiveness, which might be masked as courage

17. I do a dangerous job (rigger in high rise construction). I have noticed that I don’t have the nerve that I used to. I think that started when I had kids. I’m in my 50’s now. I still do dangerous shit, I just don’t get the rush out of that I used to.

18. I have lost the blind faith in my joints to do what I need them to in any given situation and I have also learned that avoiding conflict is usually the smarter way to roll, but I am still an action hero obviously… albeit sleepier than I was in my 20s.

19. I never been in a fight as an adult, why are you fighting?

20. I don’t think you lose courage… You just don’t care of a lot of Sh!t anymore.

    I know a lot of OLD 60+/ Out of shape guys, that have WAY more courage than they should.

    My 70yr old Step-father for example, thinks he is still 28 and can knock out anybody 🤣🤣🤣, He can barely walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath. He can’t even put on his shoes without a shoe horn.

    99% of Vietnam era guys are like that. Still want to fight, but a gust of wind knocks them down.

21. I don’t think you’ve lost courage I think you’ve grown. With age comes wisdom.

22. Sure, I did for a bit. Mostly because I realized I was not the invincible idiot I thought I was. But I gained wisdom – and work experience and a better job, and these boosted confidence. I no longer feel the need for false bravado. I don’t tell anyone to just go fuck off; why would I? Besides, I’m probably their boss which means the appropriate answer is helping them learn to solve their problems so my team is more effective.

    I’m in my 40’s now, and living a much better life than I was in my 20’s or 30’s. I make good money because I pushed myself in my career (and yes, was lucky – it is always a combination of the two).

    Therapy helps. It’s not perfect and does require action on your part. But it helps. You can get over this, or you can sink into the abyss. The choice is yours, OP.

23. It was the opposite for me. It wasn’t about until I was 27 where I was able to start articulating myself and standing up for what I believed and be able to explain why I believe that.

24. Did I lose courage as I aged? No but I sure as shit made sure I didn’t want to play “who can be the biggest asshole” as I aged did.

25. not sure if its a loss of courage, but being less stupid with unsafe acts or less confrontational is more my style now. i just stopped caring.

    seemed to happen subconsciously when children came in to the mix

26. Typically as you get older you have a better perspective, more knowledge and more experience. This typically creates more confidence, not less.

    Why this may happen in reverse is that sometimes young people are overly confident. They may gain experience, knowledge etc that contradicts what they used to be confident in. This then puts them in a place that most people are when they are younger, questioning and unsure.

    I suspect that many young people will experience this, more than historically, because social media has created echo chambers that didn’t exist before. This creates a false sense of confidence. What they see every day must be correct. Then they get older, experience things, change or escape the echo chamber and suddenly what they knew to be correct isn’t.

    Obviously everyone’s party is different and you have many old people stuck in echo chambers as well.

    The 0 or 100 is typical of not being confident. Work to try and be comfortable with the idea that you don’t know and nothing you know is for certain. Listen and understand first.

    Questioning what you know is not a bad thing. It’s a sign you’re open to new information and thus, growth.

27. I do remember being in my early 20s and checking people if they infringed on my boundaries, physically or otherwise. Now I’m older with a lot more to lose so that feels like a zero sum game. Also people are crazy and you could lose your life out in the real world. Granted I’m not saying live like a sheep but find some outlets to funnel “courage.”

28. I’m finding the older I get the less I give a fuck about anything.

29. Greatly. Little fear, or more accurately fears challenged, to taking less chances as I get older.

30. The opposite for me. I think you get to a point where you have no fear of saying anything to anyone. I don’t mean being intentionally disruptive at work or saying thoughtless things. I just mean I am not intimidated by anyone anymore.

31. I didn’t lose courage, I lost stupidity. I still take risks, but I have learned to consider consequences.

32. I wonder. Was your previous courage coming from values and convictions, or just the fact that you were strong and could intimidate others? 

33. I’ve definitely felt the a similar way in the last year or so. I’m about to turn 38 but in my early twenties I was a professional skateboarder and I had completely jacked it in, hadn’t stepped on a skateboard at all in nearly 10 years but I’ve recently found a bit of inspiration and got back on it and I’ve noticed I’ve felt way more confident in myself since taking it up again. It’s like putting yourself in uncomfortable or scary positions and succeeding does you the world of good.

34. A couple of things come to mind: First is the leveling testosterone. I think it peaks during twenties and hence so many 20-somethings act like hard-nosed knobs.

    And another thing is possible aspergers. That apparently makes you think and act in a very on-off manner (and generally being a bit intense and weird and “uneven” at times). Not saying you have the burgers, but read about it and see if it fits? (I probably have it and hence I’m mentioning it, because what you describe sounds pretty familiar).

35. At 43 I find the opposite. My mindset evolved into “shit, if I don’t do this thing that needs to get done maybe no one will.” So I find myself locking horns with people more easily now than when I was younger. I think I just got too tired of letting stupidity infect everything around me.
    I don’t know if that’s courage, though.

36. I didn’t lose courage exactly, but something like that.
    At 20 I had an inmate sense it’ll be alright and somehow dangerous situations will work out. That’s gone. Now I understand you can win a fight in the moment and still suffer lifelong consequences for it.
    As a 5th degree black belt once told me. You don’t win fights with crazy. You just lose less. So it’s better not to engage.

    But a lot of social fear is just gone. Most people aren’t innately bad or good, just self interested.

37. I dont drink much anymore. My hero quotient went way down. I have a kid. Im a hero everyday

38. No. What am I gonna do, be afraid of Gen z? 😂😂😂

39. I’d like to think I haven’t lost my courage at all. I’ve just become wiser. In the sense of choosing when to speak up or if it’s not worth it or won’t have an impact. Essentially letting things go or brushing something off comes with wisdom. I think it comes with life experience tbh. Removes a lot of internal pressure as well.

40. Yes, but only once I got into my 60’s. I’m much more cautious now. I still do just about everything, just more slowly and deliberately.

41. “courage” gets different as you get older.

    To me,. it’s not so much “having less courage”. It’s just “my time is valuable and I recognize it’s pointless for me to interact with some people”.

    I make smarter choices as I get older,. and part of that is avoiding people who waste my time or try to engage me in pointless things.

42. I’m 60 and basically have zero fear. I’m simply not afraid to die, so what would I be afraid of?

    I’m also considerably less likely to tell someone to go fuck themselves than when I was younger – not out of fear, but because I’m an actual adult.

    What is the actual upside of interacting with another person that way?