I (29M) met a girl (25) a little over a month ago and she’s my girlfriend now. Things between us are honestly great — we get along really well, there’s strong chemistry, similar interests, and overall the vibe feels really natural and positive.
Recently she told me that she slept with someone else between our first and second date. At the time we obviously weren’t exclusive yet, so logically I know she didn’t do anything wrong. I was also still talking to other people back then. The only reason I didn’t sleep with anyone myself was because I happened to be on holiday.
The thing is, even though I know logically that she didn’t do anything wrong and we didn’t have any commitment yet, I still feel a bit hurt when I think about it. My first reaction when she told me was basically “oh… that kind of sucks.” Not anger, just a bit of a sting.
What’s confusing me is that if the situation were reversed, I would have done the same thing she did. Even though I was on a holiday I have scheduled a few dates with other people after the holiday, so I am not that innocent. So part of me feels like I have no right to feel bothered by it. At the same time, the thought has been stuck in my head for about a week now and I’d really like to process it in a healthy way so it doesn’t turn into resentment.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of feeling where logically you know your partner didn’t do anything wrong, but emotionally it still bothers you a bit? How did you move past it?
25 comments
It probably makes you feel that way because you had a different picture of her in your mind. If you like the girl, consider that she was honest and probably doesn’t have a cheating record, otherwise she would have hidden it from you.
Since you admit you would have done the same thing, your ego and pride is what got hurt.
That’s like test driving other cars before you bought your current car. And that sales person sees you with not the car you test drove.
That’s how silly and illogical it sounds. The past is the past. You won her heart, she won yours. You can enjoy your new life together from this point on.
Don’t ruin a good thing because of something you had zero emotion or feelings at that time for her.
If you only met her on your first date, then she never had enough time to develop a crush on you. You were basically strangers still at that point.
But if you already were friends before that and had a slow burn romance, then that’s a different situation, which i can understand would feel more like a betrayal.
you said it yourself, it’s your pride and ego. Once you’re able to get past that part you’ll feel a lot better. Your feelings about this are temporary. Most people aren’t virgins. I jokingly tell my bf that I was a virgin before I met him but I was def sleeping around in the early stages of dating. Now we live together and are building a life together. Get excited for the future and be grateful you don’t have to communicate with someone who is inexperienced/puritanical about sex. It would be a lot more difficult, trust.
chalk it & move on the past is the past like you said yourself you would’ve done the same thing only thing that stopped you was your vacation.
you 2 weren’t together at the time nor were you exclusive so it doesn’t matter and it shouldn’t be a topic of discussion in your mind.
you are an adult so you should be capable of letting bygones be bygones and learn to value what’s in front of you don’t lose it because you wanna keep going back to the past there’s no tools in the shed.
I would consider if this is something you can move forward from. I slept with someone else a week before my first date with my now ex-husband. I was honest with him about it and it really bothered him even though I didn’t even know him when it happened. He would randomly bring it up even years into our relationship and it was very unfair. I think her honesty is a huge green flag personally, but if this is something that is going to be at the back of your mind and you don’t think you can get over it, it’s just something to consider. Everyone has a past, and if everything else about this girl is great, I don’t think this is “break up” worthy.
You guys were on one date when that happened
Idky some people get mad that sometimes people just wanna get laid from time to time
She’s committed to you now, its all good dont ego trip
Your feeling is normal, however your rationale is sound. It is normal to feel little pangs of jealousy over a partners past intimacy, but with enough experience and time you come to accept it.
However, as you note, it was between first and second date, and you would have done the same
Just gotta accept and move on buddy. If you like her for who she is and you bring each other joy, that’s what’s important
Therapy my dude.
It’s normal to have these feelings – to logically know she didn’t do anything wrong and still feel a little hurt. Jealousy isn’t always logical. It’s insecurity. Some of that may be for you to work through yourself, which it sounds like you’re doing (logicking yourself out). So good job!
You can also express to her that even though you know it doesn’t make sense and she didn’t do anything wrong, you’re a little hurt and it would be helpful to spend some time doing something that makes you feel loved and safe in the relationship. Do something together that makes you feel secure aka reminds you that you love each other. Examples: being present together, expressing delight and interest in each other, giving each other your “love languages”, enjoying rituals and routines together. Doing these things will increase your security and soothe your jealousy.
Good luck!
you weren’t exclusive…
You fully admit you would have done the same thing if given the opportunity.
The better question to ask is if that’s acceptable to you, why is it causing an issue for you that she did?
If you feel the connection that you say you do, this would not be an issue. You also don’t sound very into this person imo. You are logically explaining why you like her….which is strange. Either you are not into this person and are trying to justify this, or you are way too insecure to be dating.
You don’t, people can lie about it, but it nags at you. Best thing to do is just accept it. Would have been better if she’d not told you really, but she did, for no apparent reason.
The good news is if you didn’t like her you wouldn’t care, so, you know, that’s a bright-side.
This is why I like a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy about sexual history when I’m dating or in a relationship. I would recommend avoiding the topic of her pre-you sex life, you’ll be a lot happier!
Another example of why it makes no sense to talk in detail about past relationships…
This is par for the course man. People like to have sex. And it doesn’t have to edit: always be magical, meaningful, and star bound. Unpopular opinion: most women, depending on the person, can enjoy sex for the sake of sex with zero expectation or emotional attachment. The “Grog want monogamy, woman Grog property” caveman wiring was just rearing it’s outdated, obsolete head. It’s really no biggie. I don’t say that to minimize, I say that because it’s not like y’all were having premature sleepovers and she hooked up with a co-worker.
Good luck, rock on
If it was between the first and second shift and you would have done the same I don’t see the issue. You guys barely knew each other and were single. Also not understanding the comments about her sleeping around a lot or being slutty. I don’t think that’s what’s implied by this post.
anything before being exclusive, you have no rights to be upset about. you do not owe commitment to anyone or anything before you claim commitment. and she owes no retroactive apology. you don’t get to be petty, you don’t get to feel hurt, and honestly, you don’t even get to compare it to what you would have done. what you would have done doesn’t matter in comparison to what people are allowed to do. you already know you’re wrong.
so that sounded harsh. but the people in the comments are being too nice and unrealistic to how relationships work. now it’s time to look internal. why do you feel upset? is it a bruised ego? is it just a little jealousy? is it maybe some subconscious misogyny? this is a good opportunity to reflect on your emotions and learn something about yourself and how to address it. this is actually a really good chance for personal growth, if you let it be.
Sounds like a bruised ego and you don’t know how to process it. You admitted yourself that you would have done the same thing. Don’t be a hypocrite and either move forward with the relationship or end it so you can both move on.
Yeah dude it stings because you care, at least you’re self aware enough that you can say all of that.
I hate talking about body counts in a new relationship, but all in all it happened when you weren’t together so there’s no issue.
What matters now is you’re both with each other and happy!
This happened with someone I started dating – she was dating a few others and had slept with someone right before we were exclusive.
Shes my wife now.
Initially I had feelings similar to yours. I feel like it’s natural to have those feelings because it’s a sign you like her!
Dealing with it in a healthy way for me meant explaining to her how I felt – but clarifying to her that it’s not about her actions specifically. Going through that process with her allowed us to be a bit stronger and build a better connection.
So I suppose my advice would be to communicate with her and express it, but be clear it’s about you and not that you consider what happened a fault of hers.
You are correct. You weren’t exclusive. You would have done the same thing.
Having said that, I think it was stupid of her to even bring it up. For the life of me, I have no idea why anyone shares this information. It does no one any good.
I know everyone will hate me for saying this, but I don’t care. Folks, it hurts to hear this type of information about someone that you’re involved with. A lot of women have posted replies saying “Couples should be able to talk about anything!”. That may be true, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. The reason I only hear about this from women is because the guys agree with me.
>The only reason I didn’t sleep with anyone myself was because I happened to be on holiday.
So really, you’re just mad that you didn’t have a chance to sleep with someone else before becoming exclusive and she did? Get over it.
What was her reasoning for telling you?