I'm a 32 yo man from Canada, Québec, english is not my primary language.
I was thinking about friendships and I remembered the manu times in my life someone literally referred to me as a friend and I was awkward because I didn't consideres them friends but just acquitances. Friendships in my childhood and teenage years was just people I would hang out with during breaks at school, and do stuff with the week end, almost every week end we would play video games, watch movies and sometimes go shopping or even hiking. Around 16 yo, I got more isolated when my close friend made new friends and I did not. I didn't related with the group and just hanged with them like a stray cat, but I just didn't felt I could be friend with them. Then I went to college and lost contact with the 2 and half friends I had. When I talked with them, we just seemed too different in mindset and beliefs and stage in life. Since 21yo, I just never really has any friend at all. Just acquaintance at my job and some were kind of job friends. I git invited to a few restaurants and parties, I went, but It sucked all the times. Most of the times I even went back crying just thinking everyone hated me because I was so paranoid over some sentences. So for 8 years straight I've been very isolated socially. In 2019 and 2020 I had panick attack due to bullying at work and I was son Ativan. I would stay inside my rooms for a few month during covid(remote work). Well now I have a new job and work in cubicles, my mental health is better. I see a psychologist for over 3 years. We didn't talk too much about friendships during the last year.
Damn this post is starting to be long.
Anyway, I don't have any friends. I mean, do people whonI talk to at my job for 10 minutes 3 or 4 times a week counts?
I think I'm afraid of intimacy in friendship because all my friendships always ended abruptly or over time without any communication (men don't talk about anything except beer and fish).