What made you realise your relationship dynamic around chores was unfair?
March 11, 2026
What made you realise your relationship dynamic around chores was unfair?
40 comments
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When he claimed that he always made dinner when he cooked a meal 2x per week. When he was unemployed for 2+ years and the chores were still “50/50”
When I asked for help keeping up with the house and he said “make me a list” and I said “like a chore chart like I do for the kids? Am I your mom?”
I asked him write a list of all the chores he did. He had three things. And he complained there was “trash everywhere” it was the trash he left there. He didn’t even realize his trash was a chore he should take care of. Do you know how amazing it is to live alone? Because it’s incredible.
Not my current relationship, but a prior one:
That I did them all. Literally just that. I looked at the fact that I worked full-time and handled everything for myself, the household, and the partner while all they did was go to a job and come home and the disparity was starkly visible.
The chores he assigned himself were once-in-a-blue-moon chores that I ended up doing anyway because he would never actually do them.
I do not recommend allowing that kind of dynamic to form. Once I left that relationship, I knew I never wanted to deal with that nonsense again.
Current relationship: bf doesn’t often do dishes or clean anything around the house. He will help if he sees me doing things, but I’ve asked and asked him and he just doesn’t get off his ass to do it. I sometimes feel like I’m nagging him, which is a shitty feeling.
He’s been in therapy lately and we’ve both been working non stop. He has today off, so let’s see if those pots and pans get cleaned 😮💨
When nothing happened if I didn’t do it, despite him apologizing for his lack of effort again and again. He kept his promises for a few days, and then we were back to square one. Every single time.
Now I’m the one doing all the chores, but at least I only have three people to take care of: My kids and I. And they clean up after themselves.
when I was doing everything
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When I stopped cleaning and realized I did everything to clean the house and our spaces. When I realized I had to ask him to do every little thing even just picking up after trash and clothes on the floor
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When we both worked the same hours but I spent one day off cleaning the house and he spent both his days off relaxing. He helped me clean the house one time. Once! But claimed it was equal
Not a romantic relationship but my upbringing: why was I was the only one doing dishes for a whole family of 5?
His lack of effort and entitlement
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When he would refuse to help in any small way and be petty about it. He was walking up the stairs coming home one night and I saw there was a toy car on a step and asked him to grab it on his way up. Looked at me like I was crazy and made a show of stepping over it while saying that’s not his job. I knew picking it up was “my job”, but seriously?!?! Even when safety is involved?? Of course he goes on to scream at me as usual. Never asked for help again which I’m sure was the objective. 🙄
I didn’t mind doing but it was upsetting when there was total not care and start messing massively. It felt like my work around was unappreciated. Small things also like realising I always had to be the one making sure the house was locked, lights out etc..I did this for years and never bothered me, well it never got me that bothered but at some point I wished a little bit more in that sense, just nice to see the other one doing a simple home task that they dont normally do, makes you feel more accompanied.
I was fully supporting us financially while he was unemployed, but he complained that I didn’t clean enough.
Two things:
1. When I literally couldn’t sustain it and I went to them and said I wanted to revisit the chore division, and they said “I thought you had signed up for a lot!” and then did a shit job with their (slightly) expanded chore duty.
2. When I cut my thumb open, I asked them to keep up on dishes so I wouldn’t have to worry about infection. But they let the dishes pile up to the extent that we ran out of silverware. I ended up having to clean some dishes for lunch and they said “why didn’t you tell me to do the dishes?”
Well.. it’s likely unfair to him… so uhh.. I try not to draw attention to it and do my part as best I can 👀😅
My ex and I had an agreement of alternating who does the dishes.
I would typically do them before the pile got big. And then, they would stack up and fill the sink until I asked him why he hasn’t done it yet. “Oh, I thought it was your turn,” he would say. “No, I did it a few days ago.” “Oh.”
This was a pattern that repeated constantly. I did them in a timely fashion. He would “forget” and let them stack up. After awhile I realized that he didn’t actually forget, he was just hoping I would do them so he wouldn’t have to.
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This was a platonic male roommate and it’s funny, but I think it counts:
Before I left for work I said “hey, could you get the mop and do the kitchen today?” And he said sure. He’s neurodivergent and thrives on clear instructions, an we were young. NBD.
When I got home from work, he rushed up from his room and apologized saying “I know I know I didn’t get the kitchen done yet, but I did buy a mop to do it!” And showed me the brand new one he’d gotten at the store.
I silently walked over to the utility closet and pulled out or existing mop. He stood up, put on his shoes, and muttered “I have to make a return” while I cackled.
It was and is hysterical – and he genuinely was trying to be helpful, I wasn’t mad. But I clocked for the first time ever how chores-blind a man in my life was that he *didn’t know we owned a mop* after nearly a year of living together in a 600SF space.
When we were packing up our apartment to move out and my ex said “wow, isn’t it amazing that we never once had to clean the bathroom while we lived here?”
We had lived there for 2 YEARS. Guess who was cleaning the bathroom that whole time? Not only had he never cleaned it, but I was shocked he never even noticed me doing it…
We’re no longer together and now my husband cleans the bathrooms more often than I do haha
When my therapist said “you should not have to ask for HELP, as the house and house duties belongs to both of you and he shouldn’t be helping, but cooperating”. This made me see things in a completely different way. It took time but with a lot of conversation and opening, we have been cooperating 🙂
Not seeing as many examples of my personal experience in this thread but I will take a stab at it: I (the woman) actually was not doing nearly as much of the chores as my partner (male) was, even though we both worked full time jobs.
In my partner’s case, he prioritizes cleanliness above literally everything else, and when we lived together he was constantly tidying up and doing deep cleans. But he also felt obligated to overdo the cleaning because he was pretty emotionally immature and carrying around a lot of trauma that affected his ability to really show up communication-wise in our relationship. Of course resentment still built up, on his end from my lack of tidiness and equal contribution to thoroughly cleaning and on my end from his frequent lack of thoughtfulness and recognition of the way I propped up the emotional core of our relationship.
So it’s really probably not a productive or loving dynamic for one partner to do most of the chores, no matter the gender! But straight men need to be like trained on not reinforcing patriarchal norms in romantic partnerships to be sure.
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Him: I’m tired of eating sandwiches all the time, this is bs! (on the 3rd day of eating sandwiches for dinner)
I was fine with sandwiches for dinner. And it was his week of feeding the couple.
When we got together, I told him that I’ll go crazy if I have to cook for 2 all the time, so there’s no way he won’t contribute and he said “of, course, that’s how a couple should work”.
It never worked like that…
I’m gonna go against the grain as everyone else is discussing their partners rather than themselves. I was at university (from home) and was becoming quite depressed. I didn’t realise I was neglecting things. When I saw my partner come home from work, vacuum, put stuff away, and then do the litter trays in one go, I realised I wasn’t doing enough. Luckily I’m better now and things have changed. I was very lucky to have a partner who understood the mental health struggles I was going through – that said, he knew it was temporary because for the previous two years of our relationship, I’d done plenty of housework and chores. It would’ve been different if I’d been like that since the start.
He’s the one lol.
If he does one thing and then crows about it for 3 weeks, claiming he does everything, your system is unfair.
LOL if you are looking for a way to PROVE to him that the system is unfair, give up. If he acknowledges the disparity, he has to do chores. He is not going to do them.
The only thing I have heard anyone say was useful was the Fair Play system, but you need a partner who wants equality. If you don’t have that – you should literally let go of the idea he will do chores. There are 10000 posts here asking how to get a man to clean and no man has ever cleaned anything as a result.
When he cooked “cook doesn’t clean”, when I cooked “you made the mess”. A little bit like “heads I win, tails you lose”.
unfortunately i am living proof that gender norms are not always normal. My husband makes the bed every day, makes breakfast and dinner most days or will clean everything meticulously after if I do it. He puts away most of the dishes and carries a lot of the mental load surrounding chores and other things to do. I obviously feel grateful, but often times I feel he does a lot more than me. But he insists on helping even if I do something small to try to balance the load. It’s unfair for him, lol.
Oh, oh, oh, when I said why am I washing all this stuff all the time, I haven’t even seen you wear this shirt in years but it’s always in the wash. And he said, when I’m looking for something to wear I just throw anything I don’t want on the ground. Me; why the hell would you do that?! Him; I need to keep you busy. At the time we had 4 children under 7, 2 businesses and I was president of the school fundraising committee.
When he bothered me and bothered me to clean, and then I did and he didn’t anymore.
Ohhhhh, when I did literally nearly everything, and that is a real literally, it is not figurative. We had a huge fight and I said you need to do at least one thing and be seen doing it by the kids because they are treating me like slave based on your example. He chose taking the rubbish out. I reminded him at least 4x a day and after goodness knows how many times I ended up with maggots on the floor, because I was standing my ground, at which point I’d have to take it out and clean up maggots, I lost it one day. Yet again! Maggots all over my floor because he can’t do one damn thing! So I cleaned it up, took the rubbish out. I swept the maggots into the dustpan then when the kids and I were ready for school and work I threw it at him and left. Needless to say this was just before we separated.
we never lived together but were contemplating it. i knew this was a problem for a lot of couples i knew so i asked if we could talk about chores before moving in. he immediately goes, “i’m telling you right now: i’m not scrubbing toilets, cleaning tubs, mopping or none of that. best i’ll do is sweep every now and then IF the floor looks dirty.” we obviously never moved in together.
When we lived together in the same apartment for nine months and when I asked him to take the garbage out he didn’t know where the dumpster was in the complex.
The fact that I do them and he doesn’t. The fact that I ask for months and then when I finally say “please do this today.” we have to have a fight about how I am controlling and he is just learning about this task and didn’t plan it into his day.
I love my man, but he is a spoiled baby when it comes to chores and household tasks. He makes up for it in other ways, but it really grinds my gears that he never cleans up anything.
40 comments
[removed]
[removed]
When he claimed that he always made dinner when he cooked a meal 2x per week. When he was unemployed for 2+ years and the chores were still “50/50”
When I asked for help keeping up with the house and he said “make me a list” and I said “like a chore chart like I do for the kids? Am I your mom?”
I asked him write a list of all the chores he did. He had three things. And he complained there was “trash everywhere” it was the trash he left there. He didn’t even realize his trash was a chore he should take care of. Do you know how amazing it is to live alone? Because it’s incredible.
Not my current relationship, but a prior one:
That I did them all. Literally just that. I looked at the fact that I worked full-time and handled everything for myself, the household, and the partner while all they did was go to a job and come home and the disparity was starkly visible.
The chores he assigned himself were once-in-a-blue-moon chores that I ended up doing anyway because he would never actually do them.
I do not recommend allowing that kind of dynamic to form. Once I left that relationship, I knew I never wanted to deal with that nonsense again.
Current relationship: bf doesn’t often do dishes or clean anything around the house. He will help if he sees me doing things, but I’ve asked and asked him and he just doesn’t get off his ass to do it. I sometimes feel like I’m nagging him, which is a shitty feeling.
He’s been in therapy lately and we’ve both been working non stop. He has today off, so let’s see if those pots and pans get cleaned 😮💨
When nothing happened if I didn’t do it, despite him apologizing for his lack of effort again and again. He kept his promises for a few days, and then we were back to square one. Every single time.
Now I’m the one doing all the chores, but at least I only have three people to take care of: My kids and I. And they clean up after themselves.
when I was doing everything
[removed]
[removed]
When I stopped cleaning and realized I did everything to clean the house and our spaces. When I realized I had to ask him to do every little thing even just picking up after trash and clothes on the floor
[removed]
When we both worked the same hours but I spent one day off cleaning the house and he spent both his days off relaxing. He helped me clean the house one time. Once! But claimed it was equal
Not a romantic relationship but my upbringing: why was I was the only one doing dishes for a whole family of 5?
His lack of effort and entitlement
[removed]
When he would refuse to help in any small way and be petty about it. He was walking up the stairs coming home one night and I saw there was a toy car on a step and asked him to grab it on his way up. Looked at me like I was crazy and made a show of stepping over it while saying that’s not his job. I knew picking it up was “my job”, but seriously?!?! Even when safety is involved?? Of course he goes on to scream at me as usual. Never asked for help again which I’m sure was the objective. 🙄
I didn’t mind doing but it was upsetting when there was total not care and start messing massively. It felt like my work around was unappreciated. Small things also like realising I always had to be the one making sure the house was locked, lights out etc..I did this for years and never bothered me, well it never got me that bothered but at some point I wished a little bit more in that sense, just nice to see the other one doing a simple home task that they dont normally do, makes you feel more accompanied.
I was fully supporting us financially while he was unemployed, but he complained that I didn’t clean enough.
Two things:
1. When I literally couldn’t sustain it and I went to them and said I wanted to revisit the chore division, and they said “I thought you had signed up for a lot!” and then did a shit job with their (slightly) expanded chore duty.
2. When I cut my thumb open, I asked them to keep up on dishes so I wouldn’t have to worry about infection. But they let the dishes pile up to the extent that we ran out of silverware. I ended up having to clean some dishes for lunch and they said “why didn’t you tell me to do the dishes?”
Well.. it’s likely unfair to him… so uhh.. I try not to draw attention to it and do my part as best I can 👀😅
My ex and I had an agreement of alternating who does the dishes.
I would typically do them before the pile got big. And then, they would stack up and fill the sink until I asked him why he hasn’t done it yet. “Oh, I thought it was your turn,” he would say. “No, I did it a few days ago.” “Oh.”
This was a pattern that repeated constantly. I did them in a timely fashion. He would “forget” and let them stack up. After awhile I realized that he didn’t actually forget, he was just hoping I would do them so he wouldn’t have to.
[removed]
This was a platonic male roommate and it’s funny, but I think it counts:
Before I left for work I said “hey, could you get the mop and do the kitchen today?” And he said sure. He’s neurodivergent and thrives on clear instructions, an we were young. NBD.
When I got home from work, he rushed up from his room and apologized saying “I know I know I didn’t get the kitchen done yet, but I did buy a mop to do it!” And showed me the brand new one he’d gotten at the store.
I silently walked over to the utility closet and pulled out or existing mop. He stood up, put on his shoes, and muttered “I have to make a return” while I cackled.
It was and is hysterical – and he genuinely was trying to be helpful, I wasn’t mad. But I clocked for the first time ever how chores-blind a man in my life was that he *didn’t know we owned a mop* after nearly a year of living together in a 600SF space.
When we were packing up our apartment to move out and my ex said “wow, isn’t it amazing that we never once had to clean the bathroom while we lived here?”
We had lived there for 2 YEARS. Guess who was cleaning the bathroom that whole time? Not only had he never cleaned it, but I was shocked he never even noticed me doing it…
We’re no longer together and now my husband cleans the bathrooms more often than I do haha
When my therapist said “you should not have to ask for HELP, as the house and house duties belongs to both of you and he shouldn’t be helping, but cooperating”. This made me see things in a completely different way. It took time but with a lot of conversation and opening, we have been cooperating 🙂
Not seeing as many examples of my personal experience in this thread but I will take a stab at it: I (the woman) actually was not doing nearly as much of the chores as my partner (male) was, even though we both worked full time jobs.
In my partner’s case, he prioritizes cleanliness above literally everything else, and when we lived together he was constantly tidying up and doing deep cleans. But he also felt obligated to overdo the cleaning because he was pretty emotionally immature and carrying around a lot of trauma that affected his ability to really show up communication-wise in our relationship. Of course resentment still built up, on his end from my lack of tidiness and equal contribution to thoroughly cleaning and on my end from his frequent lack of thoughtfulness and recognition of the way I propped up the emotional core of our relationship.
So it’s really probably not a productive or loving dynamic for one partner to do most of the chores, no matter the gender! But straight men need to be like trained on not reinforcing patriarchal norms in romantic partnerships to be sure.
[removed]
Him: I’m tired of eating sandwiches all the time, this is bs! (on the 3rd day of eating sandwiches for dinner)
I was fine with sandwiches for dinner. And it was his week of feeding the couple.
When we got together, I told him that I’ll go crazy if I have to cook for 2 all the time, so there’s no way he won’t contribute and he said “of, course, that’s how a couple should work”.
It never worked like that…
I’m gonna go against the grain as everyone else is discussing their partners rather than themselves. I was at university (from home) and was becoming quite depressed. I didn’t realise I was neglecting things. When I saw my partner come home from work, vacuum, put stuff away, and then do the litter trays in one go, I realised I wasn’t doing enough. Luckily I’m better now and things have changed. I was very lucky to have a partner who understood the mental health struggles I was going through – that said, he knew it was temporary because for the previous two years of our relationship, I’d done plenty of housework and chores. It would’ve been different if I’d been like that since the start.
He’s the one lol.
If he does one thing and then crows about it for 3 weeks, claiming he does everything, your system is unfair.
LOL if you are looking for a way to PROVE to him that the system is unfair, give up. If he acknowledges the disparity, he has to do chores. He is not going to do them.
The only thing I have heard anyone say was useful was the Fair Play system, but you need a partner who wants equality. If you don’t have that – you should literally let go of the idea he will do chores. There are 10000 posts here asking how to get a man to clean and no man has ever cleaned anything as a result.
When he cooked “cook doesn’t clean”, when I cooked “you made the mess”. A little bit like “heads I win, tails you lose”.
unfortunately i am living proof that gender norms are not always normal. My husband makes the bed every day, makes breakfast and dinner most days or will clean everything meticulously after if I do it. He puts away most of the dishes and carries a lot of the mental load surrounding chores and other things to do. I obviously feel grateful, but often times I feel he does a lot more than me. But he insists on helping even if I do something small to try to balance the load. It’s unfair for him, lol.
Oh, oh, oh, when I said why am I washing all this stuff all the time, I haven’t even seen you wear this shirt in years but it’s always in the wash. And he said, when I’m looking for something to wear I just throw anything I don’t want on the ground. Me; why the hell would you do that?! Him; I need to keep you busy. At the time we had 4 children under 7, 2 businesses and I was president of the school fundraising committee.
When he bothered me and bothered me to clean, and then I did and he didn’t anymore.
Ohhhhh, when I did literally nearly everything, and that is a real literally, it is not figurative. We had a huge fight and I said you need to do at least one thing and be seen doing it by the kids because they are treating me like slave based on your example. He chose taking the rubbish out. I reminded him at least 4x a day and after goodness knows how many times I ended up with maggots on the floor, because I was standing my ground, at which point I’d have to take it out and clean up maggots, I lost it one day. Yet again! Maggots all over my floor because he can’t do one damn thing! So I cleaned it up, took the rubbish out. I swept the maggots into the dustpan then when the kids and I were ready for school and work I threw it at him and left. Needless to say this was just before we separated.
we never lived together but were contemplating it. i knew this was a problem for a lot of couples i knew so i asked if we could talk about chores before moving in. he immediately goes, “i’m telling you right now: i’m not scrubbing toilets, cleaning tubs, mopping or none of that. best i’ll do is sweep every now and then IF the floor looks dirty.” we obviously never moved in together.
When we lived together in the same apartment for nine months and when I asked him to take the garbage out he didn’t know where the dumpster was in the complex.
The fact that I do them and he doesn’t. The fact that I ask for months and then when I finally say “please do this today.” we have to have a fight about how I am controlling and he is just learning about this task and didn’t plan it into his day.
I love my man, but he is a spoiled baby when it comes to chores and household tasks. He makes up for it in other ways, but it really grinds my gears that he never cleans up anything.