When I’m depressed at my deepest, it’s because I lost faith in me. I feel worthless. Most of the time I want to find friends or build a relationship so a person finally could give me validation and feel of worthy.
That why I try so hard for this. I want at least one person finally see me. The whole me. And accept me.
Without the external validation I feel overcoming feeling of worthlessness and freezeness. That because I have a deep belief that I don’t deserve any of this. Because I’m ugly and poor and always will be no matter what. That’s what other people told me – Teachers, friends, relatives, parents, others. Not with words but by perceiving and emotions towards me.
That I better die because of what I am.
No matter how much money I make or what I dress, no one wants me. No one sees me. It kills me every time and I can’t get used to it even though I live like this all the time.
Therapists don’t stick with me because they think my lack of trust and freezeness is just lazyness. They say I don’t do anything. So I no longer do therapy.
When I’m at my deepest down, I stop to think, move slowly and harsh. Just observe nothing. Because I am nothing.