Relationship length: 12 years, married.
I’m honestly exhausted and trying to understand what’s happening in my marriage.
A few years ago my husband worked abroad and earned decent money. We managed to save some of it and later used those savings to renovate our home. While he was working abroad, I stayed home with our older child and covered daily expenses for myself and the child so we could actually save his income. Since October, though, he hasn’t contributed financially to the household at all.
Right now I’m on maternity leave with our 1-year-old and still breastfeeding. Our household is basically living off my maternity benefits and child benefits. I pay for everything: groceries, gas, mortgage, utilities, insurance. If he goes to the store, I literally transfer him money. Because that wasn’t enough to cover our expenses, I ended up getting a job while still on maternity leave. At the same time I’m studying for my master’s degree and receive a small academic scholarship. Recently when I told him how exhausted I am from carrying all the financial responsibility, he said he feels he deserves to rest now because he spent so many years working abroad. The thing is that during those years I was also working, furthermore, I was raising our child and managing everything at home so we could actually save money.
His current attitude is that he will find a job “eventually,” but he doesn’t want to take just any job (for example factory work) because he thinks that would waste his energy on something with no future. He says he’d rather wait for the right opportunity where he can learn a trade and maybe start his own business someday. He actually tried starting a business once before and it didn’t work out. I supported him through that and never blamed him. But now it honestly feels like he’s gotten comfortable with me carrying everything. I feel like I’m slowly becoming responsible for our entire life: finances, stability, planning and problem solving. And I’m burning out.
My question:
How do you deal with a situation where one partner gradually stops taking responsibility and the other ends up carrying everything? Is there a way to reset this dynamic without the relationship completely falling apart?
TL;DR:
I’m on maternity leave with a baby, studying and working, while my husband hasn’t contributed financially for months and says he deserves to rest after working abroad. I feel like I’m carrying our entire household and don’t know how to stop this pattern.