I apologize for how long this message is but I really need help. I (25F) cannot stand my boyfriends (26M) apartment and I don't know how to get through to him anymore. I would like to preface stating that he truly is a wonderful man. He has passions, goals, he is motivated, my family loves him, he is such a gentleman overall and I really want to marry him but there is one big problem.
We have been dating for 2 years and it has been an issue since the beginning that there is always something in his space that grosses me out. At first, it was him leaving shit splatter ALL over the toilet bowl. I genuinely have never seen a toilet so dirty in my life, gas stations were nicer than that. I would ALWAYS talk about how much it was bothering me or make small comments like 'your toilet is disgusting, you need to clean it' blah blah blah. But he never saw an issue with it because 'it's a toilet'. He did not change until I was at my wits end and told him that I did not want to be intimate with him. Fast forward a year into the relationship, he got his own apartment and boy was that a wakeup call because there was no more mommy and daddy paying for a house cleaner to keep up with his stuff in their house. He leaves pee dribbles on the floor, beard hair and toothpaste splatters in the sink and mirror, dust everywhere, there are constantly dishes/pans that haven't been cleaned, dog hair all over the floor in the kitchen where the dog stays (then it ends up in cooking spaces), I have to check in with him if he even washed his hands (WITH SOAP) because I don't trust him. Then later I learned he had not vacuumed/mopped the floors or cleaned his shower in 6 whole months- his reason being the water cleans it/the water runs down. His mom jokingly said I should withhold sex from him and maybe he'd clean it. Now the hot new issue is that his apartment smells like dog piss, how fun for me. He says he has washed the blankets and bedding but perhaps it's the wood panels he uses to protect the wall from scratches that is soaking up all the pee and causing his apartment to smell:))))
I have repeatedly needed to take breaks and time away from his space because it is so gross I cannot stand to be there (even disregarding all the clutter he never deals with). I am exhausted making comments about how his apartment is gross, it smells, etc. and I'm exhausted having full blown conversations with him. I don't know how to communicate any better. We are supposed to move in together in a couple months but my sister is suggesting I wait until he can take care of his space before it becomes my nightmare reality and I am taking my big sisters advice. She has heard me complain and cry over the phone about this too many times. I have noticed some improvement- I noticed he vacuums more, his toilet is mostly clean now, and sometimes when I point out things he says he thinks he did a good job cleaning up, but it's not enough. His response whenever I talk about it is 'it's my space, it's my apartment, I can do what I want' or 'when we move together I understand that I have to step it up' or whatever. At this point, he needs to put his pride aside and really think about what he could be losing. I cleaned some things up around his apartment one time, he thanked me, I said 'I didn't do it for you but I did it for me.' Then he said 'yeah but it benefits me' :/ It feels disrespectful that my rock bottom benefited him. I don't think he has ever apologized or even acknowledged my feelings about it at all.
I understand that I generally have high standards for my own space but this feels so baseline. I have been too gracious and it's really affecting our relationship and how I feel about him moving forward. There's just so much buildup over the last 2 years, not in a sense that I can't let go, but in a sense that even though the problems vary situationally, the common denominator remains the same. Am I being unreasonable? What else can I do to save the relationship?
TLDR- my boyfriends apartment is constantly dirty and I don't know how to get through to him about how it's affecting my feelings towards him and our relationship