Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate some outside perspective because I’m struggling to know if I made the right decision.
I’m in my early 20s and recently ended my first serious relationship (we dated for a year). Throughout the relationship, I struggled with retroactive jealousy about one specific ex of his.
On our first date, we were each opening up about our past and he told me about a breakup he had at 15 that deeply affected him. They dated for 9 months, she left him for someone else, and he said it shattered him for years. He also told me that after her, he felt apathetic toward women and didn’t feel genuine love in later relationships, even ones that lasted 1–2 years. That already made me uneasy, but I convinced myself I was overthinking it since they were so young.
A few months in, I found a Dropbox folder on his computer that contained only photos of their relationship. Nothing else. Just them. This really hurt me because I had already expressed insecurity about what she still meant to him. We had a big fight, he apologized and said he deleted them, and I felt guilty for snooping so I tried to move on.
But after that, my confidence took a huge hit. She’s very beautiful, and I found myself obsessively comparing myself to her and stalking her social media. I know that’s unhealthy, but I couldn’t stop wondering if he still saw her as “the one” or if he felt like I didnt match her in the looks department. I know thats insecurity and i shouldnt think like that but I couldnt help it.
Later, he told me he loved me. It was my first time hearing that from someone, and I wanted to believe it. But I kept doubting it because of everything he’d said about her.
My insecurity accumulated in asking him this;
"Do you love me more than you loved her back then?"
He said it was “different” and that he couldn’t compare the two because she hurt him a lot. To me, that felt like a gentle way of saying no.
I tried to let it go, but it kept resurfacing cosntantly. Last month, a year into the relationship, I brought it up again and explained how much I needed reassurance. He gave essentially the same “apples and oranges” answer and said I was digging for information to hurt myself.
Eventually, the constant comparison and arguments became too much, and I ended it because I didn’t feel secure or like I was his deepest love.
Now I’m questioning everything. Was I being irrational for wanting to feel like I mattered most? Is it unrealistic to want your partner to see you as their greatest love, especially when the comparison is to a teenage relationship? Or did I let my insecurities sabotage something that could have grown?
I’m open to honest opinions. I genuinely want to learn and grow from this
TL;DR: left my bf cus i felt he wasnt over his ex/or im insecure…one of the two :'(