Here's a link to my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1rkfjic/comment/o8klp22/
Today I had lunch with my girlfiend and gathered the courage to tell her about me and her sister back in the day. I feared that, as some people wisely pointed out, maybe her sister had already told her "Hey, I've met that guy years ago and had something with him, he didn't tell you about it?" but turns out her sister didn't tell her anything.
I tried to just state what happened back in 2012 in the most factual and brief way possible, and that even if she has a couple pictures with her sister on Instagram I didnt recognize her before meeting her in person the other day and she thank God she believed me. But also I could see how it was progressively affecting her and she ended up crying about the fact that it even happened and it completely broke my heart and made me feel extremely guilty. I know I'm doing the right thing not hiding stuff, of course I understand that, but I'm devastated still over the fact that I'm hurting her so much.
Well she was embarrassed to be crying and wanted to leave the place so I paid, picked up coffee to go and we walked to the harbour and sat there to keep talking in a more solitary place. She started asking a lot of questions about very specific things like how many times, how it was, if I enjoyed it, if I felt something fer her after that week, how many times had we messaged each other, if sex was better with her, and many more things that took me by surprise because I thought that maybe she would want to know the less possible.
And I know I did wrong but I lied and told her I don't really remember that much about those days and that a few days don't really mean anything in my life, that I don't feel and never felt anything for her sister (this is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH) and that it was just a vacation thing that lasted for those days, etc. She seemed worried about emotional attatchment and I have none, and I'm certain her sister will tell her the same. Idk I felt like a moron and like I hurt her even if unintentionally. Like anything that I could say and do would be a mistake
Turns out that, to make things worst, the last two years they aren't having a great relationship since her sister divorced and moved back to their parents house and my gf feels like her sister is manipulating their father against her. So now this kinda hit like a terrible blow and she says her sister possibly expected me to not tell her, so she could keep the info to throw it at her at some point during a fight or anything. I dont really know her sister, so I dont know, but sounds like a very resentful and complicated person to deal with at least at the moment.
It's just so unfair overall, and again, I dont want to make this about me, but I feel like a villain. She said she will eventually talk to her sister but not today because shes too upset, and I think it might be a good decision.
As I was typing this at the office I talked to her again on the phone and she is going to stay in my apartment tonight and I'm glad she accepted, so I'm gonna leave the office early and prepare some nice food for her and try to talk a bit more.
Any advice is absolutely welcome and thank you sincerely to the people that guided me here
42 comments
I didn’t read your original post but you did the right thing of course. Good for you. In your shoes I would NOT answer any further questions she has. That’s not a good idea. I would stop talking about it with her all together. You did the responsible thing and now that’s it. Don’t talk about it. Let her handle it with her own friends/counselors/religious leaders/whomever she respects. There’s nothing more for you to do. You did your part. Give her time to get over it. And keep in mind she might not get over it. And that’s okay. You did nothing wrong here. It’s not your fault.
You have handled this situation fairly well, you didn’t do much to make a big deal about this while also not invalidating her feelings
> it was just a vacation thing that lasted for those days
If your girlfriend continues to bring this issue up be a broken record. Listen, try to understand, but don’t accommodate any insecurities or anxiety, and don’t try to further the conversation with explanations etc.
Continue with your relationship. Make her feel loved. Cook for her. Care more about the present than the past. If she asks too much tell her you told her the truth because you are an honest person but that it is in your past. Talk to her about the future. Make plans. Travel somewhere new for you both. The sister is not a part of your relationship. Good luck. You did the right thing.
One common way to deal with those triggered questions where she is asking for details is to tell her. I don’t want to lie to you but I’m not sure you really want the answer to that question either. It’s not bad or good, it just doesn’t help anything. So hold onto that question for 24-48 hours and if you still want to know the answer then I’ll tell you. This way you aren’t responding to all her emotional distressed questions at once. Some she may actually want to know and others she will hopefully drop. Either way you put her in charge of the information and didn’t take away her autonomy. She should be able to respect that in the long run.
You did the right thing! Good for telling her. Just keep the present and future. Don’t care about the past! Further more, she will tell you about the sister but don’t be pushy. Be together. Goodluck.
Sounds like this conversation went as well as could be expected. She may continue to be anxious about it, I would say just be consistent in telling her that you felt it was important it be known rather than not discussed, that it was 12 years ago, a vacation fling that never even approached the level of honesty, knowing one another, and commitment that the two of you share. Let her know you don’t have any expectations of a timeline for her to absorb the info, and just keep courting her and showing up as the man you want to be in this relationship.
Keep VERY good boundaries with her sister moving forward. You might want to discuss with your girlfriend if in light of this new information, she has any requests in that regard; you can also let her know if you have any rules for yourself already in place.
And just to say this, she might not be ready to be intimate with you again for a bit. It may take a little time to build back up to that, but you should be sweet and caring and hold her and be available for physical comfort like hugs and cuddles, just pay attention to her cues and talk about it openly if you’re unsure.
And I’d also say, if you haven’t taken a vacation together, it could be a good time to start planning a trip soon.
My grandmother told me that when speaking to someone else, three things matter.
1) Truthfulness
2) Necessity
3) Kindness
When talking to someone, always apply at least 2 of these principles.
I think it is ok to fudge some of the specifics of your time with her sister out of kindness.
The core truth is that if you had really felt something for her sister (or her for you) that the two of you would have made that happen years ago.
Delete this post homie
You just admitted to lying to her about not remembering. If you can lie about that, she’ll believe you can lie about everything else
I get wanting to spare her feelings but for craps sake take this off the internet
If she finds this post there’s no way forward
You’re not the bad guy at all. In the long run, it’s good you told her. Her rocky relationship with her sister isn’t yours to fix, but to only support your gf. I think you two will be fine, just take it slow and stay as a team against other obstacles. <3
This is definitely a difficult situation, and might well end your relationship which is only a few months old anyway. But the ending would NOT be because you did anything wrong back then or now. It would be related to the relationship between the sisters.
As others say, you definitely need to consider it closed on your end and not go into details – because nothing positive will come out of it. If it is something she can’t let go – it WILL end your relationship.
This man has so much integrity. What a great quality to have. Way to do the right thing no matter what OP.
This post is what is going to destroy your relationship if she ever sees it.
You just admitted to lying about what you remember.
That is really not something she needs to see!
Maybe let her know that if you knew back then that you’d meet her in the future, you’d never have had that meaningless week. Let her know how important she is to you, how much you love her, etc etc.
No cz imagine being the girlfriend and reading about how your boyfriend had one week of sex with your sister and how well they got along and how unforgettable it was
Sorry but is anyone doing the math here?? 2012 so the sister was 15/16???
Oh this relationship is done. At least on your GF side, because this is something she will not forget and recover from. Sadly, even if this is something she doesn’t show outwardly, it’s something that will keep eating at her.
Just know that the small lies you told (it only lasted those days while you originally said you remained contact till 2014, etc) might be brought to light if your gf talks to her sister about it. Im sure you told them to help not hurt her feelings, but you really need to remember that your gf has an entire other source to ask questions from, as well as remember that youve posted this on the internet, and no matter how anonymous it should be, things can always be found. Small lies can hurt your gf/relationship more in this situation.
What you need to do right now is delete both posts.
Are you saying you lied that her sister was better or that you lied about not remembering details?
I think you did the right thing by telling her. But I also think you need to be concerned about the sister. If she actually is a malicious person, I think she’s going to try and cause lots of issues in your relationship. Are there any messages you sent that can come back and bite you in the ass?
I can’t believe you did this in a public restaurant. Sorry man, that’s pretty weak on your part
>She started asking a lot of questions about very specific things like how many times, how it was, if I enjoyed it, if I felt something fer her after that week, how many times had we messaged each other, if sex was better with her, and many more things<
I can’t be the only one who thinks these questions are wack for something that happened over a decade ago
Kudos for being open and honest and letting her know, best to also keep the more specific details out the way. Total honesty and transparency in a relationship is one of the most important aspects to maintain and you did the right thing, just make sure that you continue being the same person you’ve always been to your partner and show your love for her.
Hope your relationship continues to flourish brother.
You have done all you can by being open, honest and compassionate in the way you delivered this news to her. All you can do now is allow her time to process this information. She might not be able to move past it but there isn’t much you can do to influence that.
I would add, I don’t think this is unfair, that prescription suggests a level of intent involved. This situation is simply unfortunate. Both you and the sister were entitled to a previous life and none of this was done with the knowledge of or intent to harm your current gf. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
You did good or at least the best you could due to the circumstances. Give her all the love you can muster, that’s what’s important now.
She will probably have moments of wanting to know more, but just tell her what you did initially because that is your truth. Everything will be okay. And stay away from any alone time with the sister. It was a casual meeting of 2 people long ago. Stay right in that place. And delete anything and everything about this whole thing as soon as you can
Nothing like being the family pass around.
That’s so disgusting.
7.5 billion people on earth and you got yourself into this mess with 2 sisters now you wanna ask us goofy questions ?? 😩😩🤦🏾♂️
If the sister tries to contact you in any way, let your gf know!!!! IMMEDIATELY
OMG, it sounds you did it perfectly. I was worried when you said she asked specific questions. It was definitely the right call to say you didn’t remember. You didn’t actually seek a real relationship after the vacation. That makes it clear you weren’t interested in her and your GF doesn’t have anything to worry about. It was a shitty situation, but it sounds like you handled it as well as anyone in your situation could. You sound like a good partner for her. She was probably right that her sister would use this to hurt her in the future if you didn’t tell her, since their relationship isn’t in a good place now. You have a shitty luck, but a good GF. I hope everything works out for you two 🙏🙏
“I don’t want to make this about me, but I feel like a villain.” This is about you. You’re dealing with the fallout of your own chosen actions. Accept that and work through it with your girlfriend.
You did the right thing, even if it was hard. (re)build your relationship now. And remember, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Kinda like not long after my husband passed I found out my husband cheated on me… not only w other women but my sister in law… She blurted it out after I found out about the others… Even though all she did was pleasuring him I was still hurt mad… I was grieving as well.. she thinks all is ok bc we “talked”.
.maybe on her end… I went into one of the darkest places ever… I had found out years ago she’d been w my ex husband before we got married… Shame on her the 1st time… Shame on me the 2nd… It just made it all. So hard bc she’s still married to my brother… I don’t think I’ll ever get over this… My husband and I were together over 40 years… We definitely had our ups and downs but I can’t confront him now… It’s too late… I’m over anyone else he was with… But her? She tells me she can’t remember if it was 1 or more times! What?
You did really good
Keep loving her more than you have and MAKE HER FEEL VERY SECURE!!!
You didn’t just tell her about a fling.
You changed the way she sees her sister, her past, and her trust in one conversation.
That’s why it hurt so much.
Honesty was the right move , but it was never going to be painless
Hey man, go ahead and delete that last post. And this one. If you’re not gunna be fully upfront about everything, don’t say a word about it to anyone. Ever. Including internet strangers. Specifically how memorable it was. This is an extremely specific situation that will absolutely get recognized by her or a friend of hers and you need to scrub the internet of any mention of it, or go ahead and tell her you do remember it and her sister’s really good at fucking. Good luck!
You’ve handled this as best you could. Honestly, no notes. I hope your girlfriend can work through this, and wish you luck.
I think you sound like an amazing boyfriend. You did nothing wrong. Everyone has a past. It’s not like you intentionally sought out the sister of a fling to date. And hearing you talk about how it hurt you to see her cry shows how much you care. You will get through this. Just keep doing what you’re doing. To me, it sounds like you’re doing everything right.
Dawg, unforgettable? Those are the words to describe the experience. Say that to strangers but leave that part out to her. I get why but yo, that’s intense.
This is going to be a very messed up experience you’ll be putting everyone involved through if you’re adamant about staying.
First advice is delete this post before some website decides to make a clickbait article from it or she/a friends of hers sees this.
I don’t understand why telling her at all… It was before you two even met, right?
I didn’t tell my gf about my exes. And I certainly don’t want to get about her exes.
This won’t last. Beginning of the end.
Cheating is one of the worst things besides domestic violence. If not sometimes worse. Once a cheater always a cheater and the comments here condoning it are gross as well. Why be in a relationship if you’re going to be tempted and sexually attracted to other women so much it’s gets in the way of your relationship?!? Stop wasting women’s time! I will never understand why people get into relationships then cheat. I can almost induzir their partner never gives them sex but that’s still cheating. Break up then you can have Sx with anyone without having to worry. If she was ok with it then that’s different. I still don’t agree with polyamorous relationships but it’s not cheating at least. If you are attracted to other women that’s not the problem the problem is you’re pretending to be monogamous.