My (25 F) boyfriend (26 M) and I have hit a rough patch in our relationship. It’s a relatively new relationship and we are still trying to figure out the kinks. But today we had a conversation about how he wants to talk less. We don’t live together, but will usually see each other once a week, call every couple of days, and text every day. I’ve previously told him that this is the least I’ve ever seen a partner, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all. When we started dating, I had assumed that we would see each other more often.

I understand that relationships are work and we both need to compromise, so I’m going to respect his wishes and text him less. But at what point do I need to put myself first? If it was up to me, I’d see him way more often. I felt like I was pretty low maintenance, and he says that I don’t ask too much of him. I guess I’m confused about how “normal” it is to not talk to your partner everyday? Has anyone else been through this?

UPDATE- we had a phone conversation and I asked him what he wants from a girlfriend, and he said he didn’t know. I told him that he needs to stay single until he figures it out, and broke up with him.

Thank you for all the replies and encouragements. This sucks really bad but now I can work on building myself back up.


22 comments

  2. Is it just less texting that he wants? Or talking in general? Typically in a new relationship you want to build toward more time, not less. What really matters though is how YOU feel about this and if you want this dynamic in your relationship. This new condition may be a dealbreaker for you and that’s okay.

  3. The point you put yourself first is now. A relationship is about building and growing connection, it sounds like you have minimal connection points to begin with as text is not really connecting with a person, and the fact that he’s saying he wants even less is definitely conveying that he isn’t interested in building meaningful connection with you. Your reaction of questioning this and of wanting more is completely fair and reasonable. At the end of the day, it sounds like a major incompatibility for you.

  4. It seems that he’s uncertain if he wants to be all in. Maybe have a clarifying conversation and a loose roadmap- curious as to why he wants less? Maybe he’s not able to be a partner to someone- if this doesn’t meet your needs it’s a good time to exit.

  5. If he needs more space than talking every few days and meeting up once a week, he’s not available for a relationship.

    You’re a human being not a camel or a cactus—you need regular care and nurturing.

    He wants space. Give him all the space. And find someone who actually wants to spend time with you.

  6. Usually the first few months of a relationship should be relatively easy. Both parties should be excited to talk/text eachother as u still have things to learn about the other. It seems like he’s not ready for a grownup relationship and u deserve someone who wants to see/talk to u all the time

  7. this is a break up soft launch. you do not deserve this. You deserve someone who wants to talk to you…

  8. 😂 He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants convenience when it suits him. Give him all the space and dump his ass.

  10. You know what. If you start to feel lonely and miss spending more time with him. Then you guys are not compatible I would say it’s okay to not stay in the relationship. But if you can accept that things are different with him then you will just have go with the flow. I have reached a point where those terms be a deal breaker for me. I need my space but if I can’t talk with my partner whenever I want without being told to back off. Then I am out. Relationships shouldn’t have to feel lonely like that. Been there done that. I personally want a balanced relationship where I talk often with my boyfriend but still gets my space.

  11. I was in this same situation – we rarely saw each other and he kept saying he wanted more time to himself. I wish I’d listened. Instead I kept talking him into staying, until I finally realized that what he was really saying was “I don’t love you, I just want to be casual” and I wasn’t listening.

    Let him go. He’s saying you’re not the one.

  12. I’ve been in a similar relationship. I wasn’t allowed to call him first. I thought his boundaries were normal at the time but I was simply at the bottom of his list. You deserve someone who is excited to tell you every mundane detail of his day

  14. Neither my fiance or I are extroverted people. But we rarely want space from each other for more than a couple hours. You are only as needy as your unmet needs. Find someone who likes being around you.

  19. Ok we know what he wants. What do *you* want in a relationship. If you presented that would he accommodate your needs? Or does the relationship only work if you accommodate his?

  20. Unless distance was a major issue, I would want too see my gf at least twice a week. You asked for the bare minimum, and he didn’t even know what he wanted. Like why even get into a relationship then?

  21. He wants benefits of having a girlfriend and doesn’t wanna put any efforts for it. Wants you to keep begging for it because you will never feel enough. Who doesn’t want to talk to someone you love? For me 24/7 wasn’t even enough. Practically thinking I understand work and personal space is also important but not to this extent. If you don’t talk because he doesn’t like it.. the relationship will only go downhill. He probably doesn’t like you as much.

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