Hello everyone, I hope you can help me with my situation. I’m 23 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We’re now about to move in together. It’s the first time both of us are moving out of our parents’ homes. At first, I was incredibly happy, but lately, doubts have started creeping in. This might be long, and I apologize in advance.
My boyfriend is 24, and I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. At the beginning of our relationship, we had some difficulties. He did things that I normally would never tolerate. He didn’t cheat, but I guess everyone has their own definition of what counts and what doesn’t. I struggled a lot and fell into depression. Eventually, there was a moment where something clicked, and I started feeling better. I watched him grow and change. He became a loving, loyal, and supportive partner. He still is that person today.
I come from a difficult family environment. We’ve always had problems, constant arguments, and we never talked openly about our feelings. I have three sisters. Two of them are over 30, unmarried, and still live at home. My father is at an age where he should already be retired, but he’s still working because he has to. It breaks my heart. He doesn’t even have a car and works all day. I’m currently a student and working two jobs myself, but I haven’t been able to help him financially yet, and that makes me angry at myself.
My parents also come from a cultural background where marrying someone from a different origin is not easily accepted. Since my boyfriend and I have different backgrounds, I imagined the worst possible reactions. I thought they might even throw me out of the house. Because of that fear, my boyfriend and I signed a lease for our dream apartment last December. We both put so much effort into it. We split the rent, even though he earns much more than I do. After everything, I’m left with around €400 a month. After groceries, I can barely save anything. But I accepted that because I wanted a life with him. To be fair, he has paid for most of the furniture upfront and even covered the entire deposit. We keep a spreadsheet, and I’ll pay him back once I work full-time.
Now, my parents know about him. And surprisingly, they reacted with so much love and support. I’ve never felt so loved and supported by them before, and it changed something inside me. Their only condition is that we must get married. But I can’t imagine getting married right now. I’m afraid of failing. In our culture, people talk a lot, and I don’t want to put my parents through that if things don’t work out. I just want to live together first and see how it goes. But they don’t really accept that idea.
There’s also another issue. My relationship with his parents has been complicated. When our families met at a restaurant, my boyfriend asked his parents beforehand not to order alcohol, out of respect for my parents. They did it anyway. Even though my parents didn’t mind, I felt deeply angry inside, like they did it out of defiance.
There were other situations too. I spent about 80% of my time at his house. I cooked for his family, cleaned, and tried to help. But sometimes his parents treated me in ways that hurt me deeply. His father once yelled at me. Another time, he told me I wasn’t allowed in the living room because he sleeps there. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to exist freely in that house. His mother once sent me a photo of dishes she cleaned the day after I had cooked, instead of telling her son. My boyfriend did defend me and confronted them, and things improved. These things are technically in the past, but recently all those feelings have resurfaced.
I also feel hurt by small things, like how little effort they put into Christmas gifts. I’m not materialistic, but it makes me feel unappreciated. Sometimes I even feel uncomfortable with the thought that they might be the grandparents of my future children. I know that sounds harsh.
At the same time, my relationship with my own parents has finally become warm and loving. I’ve never had this before, and I feel like I’m not ready to leave it yet. I want to spend more time with them. I want to go on vacations with them. I want to support my father financially and give something back. I want to save money, finish my studies, and maybe choose a different career path. Maybe move to another Country. I never had these thoughts before, my only wish was to build a future with my boyfriend.
And this is where the guilt comes in. My boyfriend trusted me. He planned this future with me. He has supported me so much. And now I feel like I’m the villain in this story. Like I’m betraying him.
I wish things were different. We imagined everything together. But now, I can’t see it the same way anymore, and it breaks my heart.
I know this is complicated, and I might have left things out. Please feel free to ask questions if something is unclear. Thank you so much for reading and for your help.
How can I deal with these doubts and guilt without hurting my boyfriend or making a decision I might regret?