We had a beautiful, amazing, happy, loving connection. From day 1, we understood each other and our feelings just grew stronger.
But he always told me he had a long way to go before being ready for another relationship. But I was patient and we agreed to take things slow. I helped him realize things from his last relationship that were lingering and had traumatized him. He finally agreed to start therapy which was a huge step for himself and I was happy to be along for that journey. But He is really not at peace with himself, and he wants to work on himself (therapy, heal etc) on his own.
I know it’s for the best that he needs to heal himself. He needs to be alone and love himself again. And he has a lot of self work to do and he isn’t able to give me anything serious until that happens. I kind of knew this deep down. He is an amazing person but he’s very mentally unwell deep down. When he left we were crying, and kissed and I said I love you and he said I love you too baby. And then he left ðŸ˜ðŸ’”
Can anyone relate to this?
6 comments
I’m sorry you’re hurting but this is a learning experience. People really need to listen to and hear what others tell them.
He explicitly told you “I have a long way to go before being ready for another relationship.” This should not have been interpreted as a call for you to try harder and stick around and end up hurting your own feelings by waiting around and hoping to fix him. His statement meant “If you want a relationship, get out now because you will not get that from me.”
Don’t try to be someone’s therapist and angel. Usually all that happens is you waste valuable time and so much emotional energy trying to help them and end up with nothing. Meanwhile there may have been other, more emotionally healthy people who actually are ready for a relationship, passing you by.
There was never going to be a relationship here because the foundation was weak from the start. Why do we have to be patient in dating? You shouldn’t have to wait for someone to heal while entertaining them. You paid an effort tax for a relationship that was never real. Audit the reality: he told you he wasn’t ready. Stop waiting for potential and start requiring reality.
There was never going to be a relationship here because the foundation was weak from the start. Why do we have to be patient in dating? You shouldn’t have to wait for someone to heal while entertaining them. You paid an effort tax for a relationship that was never real. Audit the reality: he told you he wasn’t ready. Stop waiting for potential and start requiring reality
When someone says they’re not relationship material, listen!!
A good assumption is You thiught youd be enough to carry the love or weight if relationship, even waiting while he went through his stuff or probably tried to fix him.. love harder, do more, lost yourself to convince him. Well Glad you didnt purposely try to get pregnant to try n keep him around or hopefully think it would be the glue. You also need to see someone for therapy to distinguish any co dependency patterns, it a good thing. Let this go its not worth it. And yes I have been there but didnt fall for it thinking id be the everything and love was enough and heals anything…. Its not
I went through an almost identical situation a month ago with a 7 month relationship. I’ve been heart broken. I’m so sorry.
One of my last relationships I should have left, she had 2 kids (I have 2 kids as well) and we were both recently out of our marriages. She’s one of those a billion IQ people, great job, great house, overall really sweet and nice person. One day she turned to me and said “Do you ever feel like you kind of wish your ex was dead? Like not really because it would be hard on the kids but I just kind of wish he wasn’t around.” which was a huge red flag on how she’s not processed the end of her marriage very much despite telling me the opposite.
She eventually broke up with me a few months later saying she had to have time to herself and work on herself. I was heart broken because I trusted her so much when she said she was okay with everything in the beginning.
So it’s a bit different. You got the warning up front. I got blindsided after falling for her.
A year later I went on a date and met someone else. She’s been open and honest in where she is. Struggling with FA attachment, I struggle with anxious attachment. We are clear, open, and honest with each other. We fight problems together and it’s been going really well but it’s only been a few weeks. Already it feels a lot healthier than my last.
I’m in my late 30s after being with my ex-wife for 18 years. So all of this stuff is new to me. Specially dating as an adult.