Should I get divorced? My (31M) wife (32F) had a long term emotional affair and occasionally somewhat physical affair with a coworker I’ll call Bill (30M).
My wife and I dated for five years before getting engaged. We made it through years of distance dating. We were engaged for two years and have now been married for 1 and a half years.
Note: almost everything I know is from what my wife has been willing to tell me.
They met at work two years ago. Bill (not real name), gave her his number four months later at work. Bill lives abroad and they could not see each other often. My wife went to a very difficult training and would text Bill on the weekends. I saw her texting and hiding it once and I called her on it but she would not let me see her phone. I trusted her and let it go. They started to flirt heavily. Eventually, my wife’s training ended and Bill had a trip back to the States for work. Bill and my wife went out for dinner in the middle of the work day. My wife then asked if they wanted to go grab coffee back at Bill’s hotel. My wife then asked Bill if he wanted to go back to Bill’s room. Bill apparently had been cautious about being involved with my wife saying things like aren’t you married and that they needed to just be friends. When they got to the room apparently they sat for an hour and a half and talked. My wife says they talked about some flirty things but mostly about work. My wife says they talked about her being married and she felt ashamed and almost left. They apparently talked about needing to be friends but Bill rubbed my wife’s legs and said she was making it real hard to be friends. Then eventually, when my wife went to leave, Bill went in for a kiss as he went for a hug. My wife says she turned away but then Bill grabbed her face and kissed her. As they were making out for what my wife says was only a few seconds, my wife said she reached down and grabbed his belt buckle. Apparently Bill then slapped my wife’s hands away and said you’re married. My wife then went to leave and Bill went in for another kiss but stopped. My wife left.
They kept texting and meeting up for coffees. The texts were mostly platonic she says but she did say she said things like “you can have me instead of your friends with benefits girl” and “I want you.” They would chat over work systems often.
Eventually Bill came back to the States in May and my wife met up with him. My wife snuck away to meet him while I was working out or studying. My wife had dinner with him while I was on a work trip and paid $178 for them both. My wife texted him once asking to meet up again later in the evening after they had seen each other that day. This was the second and (I think) last time she attempted to do something physical probably sex but again says they only ever kissed. In total, I think they met up in person less than 15 times including work coffees.
My wife liked him more than he liked her. My wife got him gifts and sent him pictures, but she says never sexual. My wife says she told him she still had feelings for him in September last year, which was more than a year from when they started texting. My wife says her feelings grew over time because he kept wanting to be friends but she would push it further. My wife would do much more flirting than him.
When my wife told me she said the guilt had forced her. I did not exactly catch her, but I did see her acting sketchy on her phone and told her I knew she was hiding something big and needed to tell me. I told her I would forgive her for anything. She told me in a trickle truth, minimizing the story each day, but letting a little more truth come out every retelling. I didn’t get the information that she was in a hotel room and reached for his buckle until the fourth day of agony and fights. Also, I called Bill and told her I did. She knew he told me a lot and feared she was losing her chance to have it come from her.
My wife wants me to forgive her and stay married. She asked me to go to therapy with her and that she would also go alone. She does seem truly remorseful. She told me a lot. Also we have had things happen in the past but never this bad. I kissed a few girls when we were dating only at bars. She texted a couple guys in flirty and emotional ways a couple times. We also talked to our ex’s when we started off.
I don’t want to stay with my wife because I hate that she had such a deep emotional bond with the guy and tried to have sex with him. She says she never would have slept with him but will admit she grabbed his buckle. She says she was just teasing or trying to push the bounds but wouldn’t have gone all the way. She also says it wasn’t about him and she was in a bad place. She says I cussed at her a lot (which is mostly true) and made her feel bad about how she looked (which I think is less true). I call my wife beautiful all the time but I did pinch her belly fat occasionally mostly joking and I would joke about her being a blonde instead of brunette. These things are terrible I know. But I just don’t think even if I get better and never cuss again and become a better guy that I will ever trust or respect or love her the way I did or should. I want a divorce but I love her so much and she loves me. We want this but we have no trust and I’m so hurt.