When did you realize you were alone ?

34 comments

1. This is my take, no one cares about the family man ‘s struggles. I’ve accepted it and made peace with it.

2. This is a pretty common male experience. Our feelings are often considered frivolous, and our preferences treated as insecurity.

   There’s not a solution, but you’re not imagining the problem.

3. Welcome to a man’s life. Not your family, society, or anyone else cares. Accept it and keep it moving.

4. I started feeling it when I was married, really realized it when I was divorced in 2017. That was pretty much the awakening. Since then, only got more obvious. Best of luck for you and everyone who finds out!

5. This is just life, brother.

6. I feel that. I was over at my girls place and I just wasn’t feeling good at all. She was clearly annoyed with me even though I told her I was feeling bad. It was like she couldn’t get over her own feelings to empathize with mine.

   She’s pulled this before and even went as far as confronting me about how “things have been different lately”. No shit, I was in the hospital with pneumonia and I’m lackadaisical because I’m recovering.

7. Probably in my early 20’s when I lived alone. I had roommates before but it hit hard that everything was on me 100% for the rest of my life. Fast forward to now being in my 40s with a wife and kids and made peace with no one really giving AF about what I think or feel. Them loving me and caring is enough because what is the alternative AND plenty of men/people aren’t loved or cared for at all so in a lot of ways I am beyond blessed to have what I have. Yes it sucks at times but I think men need have a circle so they can speak to other men about this NOT to wives and offspring. Even if it’s through Reddit.

8. Sounds similar to me and my plights. I had told my ex I was depressed and stressed with jobs so what did that do, cause her to freak out and think the worse like I was getting fired so I stopped talking to her about my issues then she cheated on me. I got kids myself that I co-parent now and they are young but even with them I get nothing. I have asked them for help with just helping to keep the house clean and it’s like I was a mute just mouthing words.

   I’ve also been to therapy as well and evolved since dealing with the infidelity, but I feel you. Honestly it feels like unless a dude is like in a hospital bed with an IV in him looking frail, there is no sense of urgency to help.

9. You need some bros, dude.

10. “They’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down”

11. ‘Though being my age, feelings with friends isn’t easy’

    This is not an age issue, it’s a cultural issue.

    Gay men have no problem expressing their feelings with their friends.

12. I believe men should initiate divorce over things like this. It sounds like your wife doesn’t really care when you struggle, and that she doesn’t want to be a partner. Life’s too short, and you’re not a hero for putting up with it.

13. I realized it when I used to go on business trips and felt LESS alone in the hotel than I did in my own bed.

14. Holy these answers make me sad.

    I’m very lucky my wife is not like that. When she sees that I’m stressed, she asks what she can do to help. There are women like this, I assume they’re rare, but they exist.

15. > I just also feel like when I get cranky or short with them because I’m stressed, then I tell them I’m stressed. I never get a ” What can I do to help out?”

    I’d suggest trying to communicate your feelings to them in other ways before it gets to the point you are cranky or short with them. By that point it’s hard to have a productive conversation.

16. A lot of these answers are so sad, and also a huge indicator of how terrible our culture is in fostering healthy men. When people say toxic masculinity, they’re not saying the wonderful & innate masculinity within all men is toxic, they are saying that the idea that masculinity has to suck it up in silence and just keep on keeping on is toxic. No human can sustain that. We are relational beings and the sooner that is honoured & encouraged in men (by both men & women), the better off we will all be. The suicide rates are alarming…men are not okay. OP I hope you can get through to your family because to be surrounded by people and yet still feel alone has to be one of the saddest experiences.

17. Just ask them for their help. As a female, I can tell you this would work.

18. aside from work Mon-Fri I don’t talk to anyone at all.

19. I think women in our immediate family tend to see us as some sort of rock to lean on. When that rock gets muddy or soft or moves or changes they get upset.

    But what is this rock?

    Confidence. A PLAN!! The ability to read their body language and react appropriately. Knowing when to be a listener or a solver. Knowing when to give them attention or leave them alone. Sacrifice.

    I’m sitting here thinking this doesn’t sound like a rock at all. Sounds like a god.

20. Guys need to stop settling for women that won’t help you emotionally. I promise better women are out there.

    When I express that i’m having a bad day/ or feeling down my wife will ask “What can I do to make you feel better?”

    So yea i’ve never felt alone since i’ve been with my wife, she’s my best friend and will do anything for me, including helping me when i’m depressed or stressed.

21. Jeez I have never felt more alone in my life.

    Living in a foreign country, no family or friends.

    My kid speaks a different language than I do, I speak very basic and do understand a lot of what he is saying but it’s still a massive hurdle.

    I work a very mentally and physically taxing job away from home that’s a lot of hours in some brutal conditions but I’m expected to be super boyfriend and super Dad as soon as walk in the door and see to everyone’s needs.

    I feel defeated at the moment.

22. “Only women, children and dogs get unconditional love” – Chris Rock (great American philosopher)

23. Kids and wives aren’t there to help and support you. You are there to support them. Your therapist is the one to share feels with and get support from.

    That’s just the reality most men live with. Do some women provide emotional support? Of course. But that’s like a lucky bonus, not the assumed thing.

24. I was just in a relationship like this for a bit over a year, but thankfully no kids. I know if there were, things would be completely different in my case. Like you, I did my best to communicate and it never resulted in anything. Even when I already accepted it was over, and decided to straight up tell her what I needed her to say and do, verbatim, there was zero effort to help me for once – and this was before she knew I was ending things.

    I had the ability to walk away. Reading your story, and others like it, I realize it’s a “luxury” to be able to do so. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to get to a point of “acceptance” to basically be a third class member of the family that I’m a cornerstone of. To basically live in my other half’s shadow while she gets all the benefits of support while having to provide none of her own. Some parts of relationships deserve reciprocation on a 1:1 basis. This is one of them, for me.

    I’d genuinely rather be alone than be 2nd rate. I mean what am I really missing out on if that’s what I have to look forward to day after day with someone else?

25. I used to say “I don’t want advice, i want help” – no one helped, the just gave me advice. I was the only one working in the house, I did all the planning, house maintenance, organised the cleaner, ironing etc. so when I asked for help, maybe once a month when something outside of my control went wrong, I really needed help, but instead I got advice.

26. Best thing I ever did was join a men’s group.

    For the first time since I was a child, at 41 now and after two 8 year long marriages, I no longer feel alone.

    I’m closer with my life long friends, more deeply connected with other men in my work and personal life. I finally feel compassion for my younger self and just how emotionally alone I was growing up – and in a way that makes me feel strong, not sad.

    Join a group – any group – find a brotherhood.

27. My dad let me know early on when I was a kid how it was going to be

    So I’ve always known

    At least you have a wife and kids

    Could be worse

    You could have nobody and be alone

28. Most men realize they’re alone when they’re surrounded by people who love them and still feel like the emotional pack mule. Wife. Kids. Noise. Life. And somehow you’re still the load-bearing wall. Loved, yes. Leaned on, constantly. Society says it cares about men’s feelings. We get a month, a slogan, a panel discussion. Then a guy says “I’m not okay” and the room tightens. Suddenly he’s moody. Or difficult. Or “why are you snapping?” They like the idea of vulnerable men. The real thing is inconvenient. You say you’re stressed and nobody asks how to help. Not because they don’t care. Because they’re used to you being the engine. Engines don’t get comfort. They get maintenance checks. The loneliness isn’t about love. It’s about always being the sturdy one. And being sturdy is exhausting.

29. Look – it changed my life when I realized I could just tell people what I needed and wanted.

    Yes, it feels GREAT when someone notices you’re in need and proactively reaches out to you. However people are people and everyone has their own shit going on, and that’s ultimately asking a lot.

    Saying “I’m stressed” and getting nothing back – especially when you know you’re not going to get anything back – helps nobody.

    Saying “I’m stressed and it would really help me out if you could take the dog for a walk and clean up the living room so that I can focus on getting dinner ready” gives everyone clear direction on what needs to happen.

30. The last 60 years have been spent hating on family men, white men in particular, but all family men

31. As a man I’ve felt like that since the age of 12 or so. Out of no where you just become invisible, like you still matter, but your feelings don’t. If you’re stressed or sad no one is going to ask you anything about it.

32. When you ask for help, do you also say what -specifically- you would like to see? People are far more likely to respond in the way you want when you spell it out for them.

33. Her problems are my problems. My problems are my problems. Especially after kids.

34. It’s just how it is. I’ve gotten used to it. It’s not that they don’t care,  they just don’t care to help, and I’m not talking about your family, but in general. We are all kinda left to take care of our own issues. Sorry that it’s like this. I feel ya.