This is the place to put shower thoughts, your vents/rants about dating, requests for quick advice, serious (and sometimes not) questions and anything else that might not warrant a post of its own.
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I’m totally in love with her and she’s giving me signals she’s interested (I think) but she’s already in a long distance relationship. Gah.
1. He messaged back apologizing for a late response, but did not express enthusiasm or respond to my asking if he wanted to meet up. So now I’m in the position of having to be the proactive communicator with every single message, and it’s obvious this person is just not that into it. Feels like being forced to participate in ghosting culture in a way. This person had expressed frustration about finding a connection, and he’s just cock blocking himself at this point.
2. Anyone else have a history of being told you’re a great listener, but it’s very rarely reciprocated? The number of people who just talk at you instead of having interest in you is kinda blowing my mind. I started tracking it, and noticed how this colleague, who’s very nice, will come up to me and just start talking at me, every single time. It’s about work stuff, but he had also opened up about some personal stuff too, but has not once asked about me. I’ve started just disengaging.
I’m pretty giddy about my second date tonight. On our first date, I could literally feel my cheeks hurting, because I was smiling so much. It also took me forever to figure out my order, because his face was so cute and distracting. We seem to have a lot in common and share the same sense of humor.
Peeps with no kids – have you considered having kids later than 39? Have you considered adoption at all?
One of my anxieties stems from the thought of having a child later in life and if that’s selfish or normal or even both.
Hi,
I need some support.
It’s all ended with the guy I was seeing. He basically just disappeared. Said he felt so mentally bad, couldn’t go to work for two days, was so depressed. I had been trying to reach out, to try to support him. He literally didn’t even ask me how I was doing. It was just me asking him how he is, offering to meet. I feel like a total shit. I indeed believed he felt SO bad. Now he wrote he is sorry he didn’t see my message (me being in his district saying I can pass by) coz he was with friends. Lol. Then I understood he was never feeling THAT bad and isolating himself. So I sent him a good bye message saying that things are clear to me now. He started writing that it’s not like that, that I misunderstood, that he has been feeling very bad these days, and he has been just too stoned coz he started smoking weed again (he used to have an addiction which apparently he manage to quit two years ago) – and he started smoking apparently after the argument we had last time (I will write in a comment to this about the argument). Then he also was like he thinks he is not enough for me, that he cannot give me what I want, he fears, because of his condition, so he guesses that’s why he took distance not to hurt me (LOL). He also said he thinks I want to be In a couple (coz i invited him with my friends) to which he is not ready coz of his condition, and for him things had been good the way the were. Anyways, after this useless discussion, I just sent this final message. And guys I do feel soooo bad if my presence in his life caused his relapse … I feel terrible coz of this. But I hate he told me before we even met that all women walked away from him coz of his past depression and addiction once they learned about it (he has BPD and was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for a few months back then). I know my final message is not coming from a strong place or position, but I am just way too hurt and I don’t want to let him make anyone believe that it was me who left him when he was in a bad state.
Anyway, I’m done.
I don’t feel like I am the one ending this, you already did it by pulling away and disappearing, and I am just putting it into words so things are clear and respectful for both of us.
And please don’t make yourself believe that it’s because you are depressed or are going through things. I am not scared of this. And I would definitely be there for someone I care for. At the same time, the one can feel down and still be there with you or at least communicate clearly about what’s going on instead of ghosting. But as you say you are not interested to actually be together, while I am not doing situationships/friends with benefits/or whatever you wanted it to be.
And when you say you are “not enough,” it can sound like I am/want “too much,” while I simply need emotional reciprocity and safety.
I wish you well and hope we both find what we are looking for.
Well, it happened. Of the 4-5 women I’ve been chatting with in the apps, they’ve either just stopped replying or don’t engage in conversation between answering questions I ask about them and not any towards me.
I did just start chatting with a woman who is a chaplain and she seems cool so I guess we’ll see what happens, but the app burnout is rearing its head again!
EDIT: Chaplain asked if I want to meet up! Excited to meet her
A girl who unmatched me out of nowhere after a seemingly great date now messaged me on LinkedIn saying she lost access to her account due to a phone system update. Not sure if that passes the sniff test, even if you get logged out of bumble and can’t log in somehow, that’s not the same as your account being deleted. Furthermore, matches with deleted accounts still appear at the bottom of your archived chats.
Woohoo slow fade!
Going on a run club even though I’m not sure if I’m ready to put myself out there yet. I’m looking fwd to it as it’s the first time I’ve seen a run club for just a 3k! As someone who can barely do 4k these days it’s a blessing…
Considering the value in waiting to have sex until I am in a meaningfully committed relationship. I know it’s difficult, and everyone is horny and touch-deprived, but… I’m considering just closing the downstairs shop until further notice.
I keep dating people who seem mostly interested in superficial connection that only lasts until sex, and then they slow fade away. And the sex is usually disappointing until I know someone well enough to be comfortable and not performative. So maybe I should just cut out that entire part of the market. I would date even less than I do now, but I would also stop dealing with insincere dates and subpar intimacy.
My ex messaged of 4 monthbs messaged me last night asking how I knew someone. I played dumb and asked why, and said she was in a club of mine. She asked if we were dating, so I came out and said yes we’ve been casually seeing each other, nothing serious.
She freaked out on me. Said I’m a liar for leading that that I knew her from my club, said fuck you, etc etc. I probably shouldn’t have lied, but somehow being honest made it worse as well.
Not sure how to navigate it. We are trying to be friends, but I don’t even know how she knew I knew this person.
Did I do something wrong? Am I dating too early?
Mr. doesn’t text a lot ended up texting me. However, even though the in-person is so so good, I cannot deal with this communication style. Such a shame.
I know it’s a weird flex, but life is going so great my therapist and I are gonna cut back on our session frequency (they were basically just check-ins the last few times anyway).
Is hating looking at your own dating profile a common thing? I’ve literally put the phone down, face down, in disgust before, while trying to update it.
I’m wondering if this is a sign that I’m being fake on it, or something. Or is it like how everyone doesn’t like the sound of their own voice?
SMALL RANT & SEEKING ADVICE
4 years separated/divorced, I am very much still struggling with OLD. It’s the first I’ve been single as an adult and I only know how to be a wife, not a “potential girlfriend.” Any advice for someone still new to this? (3 dates in 4 years.)
I’m finding matches aren’t honest about their dating intentions (I’m seeking a M monogamous LTR). Is this normal? Is it a strategy? What apps has anyone had better luck on? Are premium memberships worth it? (I live rurally.)
What kind of photos are you (women-identifying) putting on your profile? I’ll be covered up in a full long sleeve high neck and jeans and still get dozens of inappropriate first impressions or initial replies. Do you add any hobby photos that don’t include you in it or of pets?
Does anyone else get the ick from people who seem overly excited? Over the past few months on dating apps I’ve had guys tell me they’ve gotten haircuts, bought new outfits, washed their cars, etc. prior to a first date. (Simply doing those things isn’t weird but like, you don’t need to tell me! It’s not cute to say “Getting a fresh cut so I can look my best for you”, it’s overbearing! And it puts an uncomfortable level of pressure and expectation on things.) When I’ve had to plan dates a bit far out due to scheduling I’ve had guys text me things like “Only 3 more days until we meet 😌”. I had a guy that I HAD NOT EVEN MET YET ask if I would share a family recipe with him. Another guy asked if I was looking for a +1 to an event I mentioned I’m going to that’s over *6 months away.* Maybe some people think those kinds of things are cute or charming, but to me it screams emotional immaturity. Why are you investing so much effort into someone you don’t know or barely know? It’s too much!!
It genuinely feels like I’m not allowed to have desire or passion. Because THE MOMENT I express interest, desire, or wants, I am treated poorly or ghosted. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? It does not matter if they pursued me first, or if I asked them out first. It does not matter if I’m upfront in the beginning or go for a nonchalant approach. As soon as I’m emotionally invested or have real desire or yearning for a person, poof! I might as well have thrown dynamite in the situation.
It genuinely doesn’t matter what I seem to do, if I’m boldly myself or try to go for a refined and reserved mystery. It doesn’t matter if I try or don’t try. The end results are the same. It’s like there’s some curse on me and the moment I actually want someone, they are gone.
I had a whirlwind one-week romance just for them to tell me they weren’t ready for dating. I feel sad and disappointed because I’m truly putting in effort and showing up intentionally and my authentic self. Always feels like I’m too much for many people and don’t want to dim that down just to find a partner. In the end, I know it has nothing to do with me, but still hurts and feels like it does.
Sucks to be super interested in someone for life to come and make a relationship impossible on both sides. It’ll always be a what if. One of the worst feelings.
I had an absolutely amazing date on Monday and haven’t stopped thinking about this woman since then. We’ve been chatting on the app for almost two weeks now. A few questions because I’m absolutely terrible at OLD and have been a serial monogamist my whole life:
1) I have a few other meetups planned with other women I was chatting with concurrently on Hinge. Do I still keep those dates? I really want to be sure that my attraction to this woman is genuine and not just my dumb animal brain drowning in dopamine after someone made me feel seen and attractive after so long.
2) Any advice on keeping boundaries and not rushing into things? I want to keep my wits about me as much as possible and look out for red flags. I got majorly burned in the past.
3) I am absolutely terrible at the casual part of casual dating. I know the expectation is these days is that no one is exclusive until you have that conversation, but I also don’t know how to keep talking to other women when I’m so interested in this one. Any advice there?
I want to do this in a healthy way as possible. I’m a really generous person, and I have absolutely been taken advantage of by others in the past. For what it’s worth, I also regularly see a therapist and I’m sure I’ll be talking to her about this, too!
i’m just getting back into dating again and have a date lined up for this weekend. but what i’ve learned about myself in the time i took off from dating is that i’m a very nervous/anxious person even if i dont show it. i have a hard time feeling comfortable and truly just relaxing and having fun. i get really quiet and when i do speak it sounds slow and dumb lol i can hold conversations and ask questions and what not but it just feels forced and flat. i am this way with friends and family too. i never used to be this way when i was a very social person but i feel the more recent years of being introverted has caused a lot of social anxiety and i just feel like im not as personable and comfortable in person as i am over messaging.
not even just in dating, but if anyone has any advice on how to freaking relax in social settings, i’d really appreciate it. i’m just always happier at home by myself in peace and quiet. it’s become way too much of a comfort space for me and i know its not healthy to isolate myself so much.
Decided I (33f) need a mental break from the horrors of dating apps! Going to delete them and reset. Need some springtime weather to come along so I can go out and enjoy life. It will be like a spring cleaning for my phone and life! Either I meet someone in person or I just go about my days. The apps are toxic and kinda depressing!
Have another first date coming up after some recent duds and a really disappointing end to a relationship last year. I’m excited, but I also don’t wanna be excited because I keep feeling very mismatched with the guys I meet and disappointed afterward. I also rarely match with people so I think I’m feeling a bit of scarcity anxiety.
Just feeling like I am not good enough. My ex made me feel that way and now this feeling is killing me. I don’t even know how to get back my confidence
Just a small vent:
Woman I’ve been talking to since late November (around 10ish dates now) is demisexual. For those who don’t know what that is, essentially she needs to really get to know a person and establish a platonic relationship to make sure she likes you as a person before she can even consider if she’s romantically interested.
We get along great! We share moral and political values, and we never stop talking when we meet up. I enjoy spending time with her and she enjoys time with me (she says).
She has ADHD and really was failing at communicating outside of our dates early on. I let her know if she wants to continue dating, I need her to respond when I text her, or I feel like I can’t build the connection I need the way she’s building the connection she needs. She was receptive and ever since then responds fairly quickly when I text, which is great!
Now the “issue” is this: I’m patient and don’t experience sexual frustration. It doesn’t feel like she’s toying with me or leading me on, so I have no problem waiting. I just don’t know how long I’ll be okay with waiting? We’re roughly 3 months and 10ish dates in, and we haven’t kissed, held hands, nothing. Nothing sexual. I’m not sexually frustrated, but it’s hard to get a sense of how the relationship is progressing without those typical indicators. When I ask, she says she appreciates my patience and wants to continue dating and enjoys spending time with me.
I guess I’m just struggling with how to respect her needs while not ignoring mine. In my mind, the wait could very well be worth it since I think we’d have a strong foundation and great relationship if it turns into a romantic one. I’ve set a 6 month deadline in my head. At that point, I’ll ask if she’s romantically interested. If she still doesn’t know, I think it’d be best to cut it off. But the idea sucks since I think the potential for a great relationship is there.
My (35F) Girlfriend broke up with me last night. I am (35M) we are just shy of 4 months together exclusively. We were supposed to attend a show but she became sick. We live about an hour apart and can only see each other on weekends. Despite that we both had a lot of feelings for each other and even let the L word start to fling around…we had a great valentines weekend. she told me, “that no one has ever made me feel so, seen, heard & understood”… Last night I got a text saying she has noticed some “incompatibilities” between us and it’s not just one thing. (the slight argument we had the night before, I am assuming.)
I am being mature and just moving forward, not trying to gain any closure…but she would repeatedly tell me how lucky she was to have found a guy like me…she told me this a week ago….now suddenly the incompatibility comment, I feel like is just an excuse. Maybe something else is going on…sorry for my long winded rant.
Is it a bad idea to text someone you’re not interested after over a week of no contact?
I last had a date #3 last week with someone and I know they were into me, but I’m not as much into them. I think they realized that and after the date and going out separate ways, neither of us contacted each other.
A week later, I still feel bad about not giving them a definitive answer. Should I text them a “hey I enjoyed meeting you but I’m not interested” or would that just cause more damage?
So a while back I had dated a guy that I met in the wild and he buried the lead about him being poly. I had made it clear that in the future he needs to be more forthcoming about that information. However, we’re still on good terms.
Well he started dating another woman in our social sphere and I accidentally-on purpose let it slip that he was poly. I really don’t even feel bad—she had no idea
I don’t think I have to feel bad about being on hinge before I’m ready-ready. No one on there seems serious anyways.
One match has a kid but didn’t put it on his profile because he “pretty much never sees [the kid]” (“I’m practically not really a parent at all”). Ick.
The second match just quit responding. Par for the course. Moving on.
The third said “I don’t think we’re compatible but I have some questions about your profile”. Moving on.
Sometimes OLD just seems like a chat room for the lonely.