My father-in law has a best friend whose house we're usually invited to on special occasions (New Year's Eve and a couple of other festivals). Let's call him Uncle Bob.
Uncle Bob, I have no problems with. Friendly, jovial and always hosts a kick-ass barbecue.
One of his son's best friends however, killed his wife. This dude rushed his wife to the hospital after she had a traumatic head injury. The doctors declared her dead on arrival.
The autopsy revealed that she had also suffered internal injuries in the abdomen. There was blood on their door frame, that had been attempted to be cleaned off.
He was arrested for a while. But he pleaded not guilty and claimed that she fell. His family comes from money and has political connections. He's out now and the charges have not stuck.
This piece of shit is usually also invited to Uncle Bob's parties. They believe his version of the story.
Evidence aside, my defensive instincts kick in on high alert whenever he's present. You know that feeling you get when you're near a bully, and you just need to be somewhere else? It's screaming in the background while I'm just trying to eat. Especially if there's alcohol being served.
How do I put my foot down and say I don't want to go? It's a layered issue. I can't just stay home because my wife is like a niece to Uncle Bob. And I can't tell Uncle Bob whom he cannot invite to his own home because it's not my place.
I'm essentially a plus one who goes along because I can't stand the thought of my wife and daughters being in the same room as that piece of shit.
And while we're there, I have to be friendly and cordial with him. My skin crawls every time I have to shake his hand and keep the sheer revulsion masked behind an evening smile.
I don't know how to navigate this.
16 comments
Sorry you’re dealing with this! Basically this isn’t a matter of socializing with a murderer or not. Legally he isn’t one. He may or may not be.
However you’re well within your rights to avoid someone socially because they’re unpleasant, aggressive, rude, give you the ick, or just create a sense of uneasiness in you. That’s your social choice to make.
But it isn’t really a ‘you’ issue, or an ‘Uncle Bob’ issue, or even ‘unpleasant guy’ issue.
The main issue is you and your wife being on the same page. Hopefully you’ve made your feelings known to her. She should be sensitive to that. And I would also wonder why this guy doesn’t creep HER out (if that’s the case). Doesn’t she have the same protective instinct vis a vis your daughters? Or is she looking at the situation differently, and may not believe the same things you do about him.
It would be the same if (back in the day) you went to a social event that included OJ Simpson. You might think he was awful, but you’d be basically polite.
Or, you wouldn’t go.
But if your wife is determined to go, I’d just make an effort to keep an eye on your daughters and keep your distance from the unpleasant guy.
You are caring and kind and looking out for yourself, your spouse and your daughters. Invite Uncle Bob over more. Just quietly pull back over time from these parties where this potentially violent individual is present. Trust your inner voice. You are so evolved, your family is lucky to have you in their corner!
Pretty simple. “You should come over for new years!”. “Oh, thanks Uncle Bob. Will ‘shithead’ be attending?” “Oh probably?”. “Ah, okay. We will have to give it a miss this time, then. Thanks for the invite!”
You never said anything, but it’s very clear by the third or fourth time around
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You don’t have to go. Who cares if it ruffles some feathers? It should! He, according to you, killed his wife
You should just shame the dude till he leaves
>*”And while we’re there,* ***I have to be friendly and cordial with him****. My skin crawls every time I have to shake his hand and keep the sheer revulsion masked behind an evening smile.”*
No, you don’t have to be friendly and cordial with him. Ignore his handshake. Uncle Bob can invite him, but his bad judgment in friends doesn’t mean you have to pretend liking his asshole friends.
Of course, some people will disagree and say you’re breaking societal rules and whatever, but you have standards and you don’t shake hands with murderers.
Either tell Uncle Bob that as much as you would love to go and appreciate the invite however you’re not comfortable attending the party because of (x). Ask to visit another time they’re not there.
Idk this sounds fishy… like youre the only one who thinks he did it, your wife doesnt, uncle Bob doesnt, you do. Have you given it more thought beyond just what you feel? Gut instinct isnt always right. Ive a few people in my life i had a bad feeling about that have turned out amazing. Not saying he didnt do it, just really give it some more thought
They had tried to rub blood off a door handle… or were they trying to open it and the blood made it slippery? Did they get home from hospital and try to wipe it pff because they didnt want to touch their dead wife’s blood? Lots of options
Just say that wouldn’t be caught dead hanging out with him.
INFO your wife also believes the Uncle Bob version of the story?
Because if she doesn’t, why is she still going?!
I get you’re probably worried about offending Uncle Bob, your wife, father in law and generally that whole side of the family, but you’re not required to talk to or be around anyone you don’t like outside of work or school especially someone like him. Also far be it from me to judge people I don’t even know and I hope it doesn’t come off that way, but it’s a bit concerning that Uncle Bob and father in law are still ok with this guy after what he did and how it was covered up. At the very least get a babysitter for your daughters or something don’t bring them around that mess
>I’m essentially a plus one who goes along because I can’t stand the thought of my wife and daughters being in the same room as that piece of shit.
You can’t control your partner, but you can communicate with them. Healthy communication is the bread and butter of all long term relationships.
1 on 1 with your wife you need to bring up how you feel about the guy that is bothering you. E.g., “Hey, so you know X, right? Well, he leaves me feeling very uncomfortable. I get hard core bully vibes, and with his past history I don’t feel safe around him.” Something like that. You can plan out what you want to say in advance. Communication is about hearing her feelings on the matter too. Build towards the direction of, “Because I don’t feel safe and comfortable around him, I would feel massively better if you and the kids were not around him.”
Feelings are powerful. They give a reason for your partner to strongly listen to you, if the set and setting is right. That is, it’s 1 on 1 and everyone is calm and there is no arguing. It opens the door to discussion about why you’re uncomfortable (bully, murderer, …) and it opens the door for her to express and share her feelings. Differing opinions and differing feelings isn’t confrontational or argumentative, it’s a way to share and understand each other. Do that and you’re golden. Come together to find a solution. Ask her for help to find a solution.
If you are still struggling, couples counseling is super helpful for this kind of stuff. A therapist can teach you and her how to communicate better so you can better handle difficult situations going forward.
No
I’ve avoided gatherings with people just because they were unpleasant to be around. I kind of make it obvious, like if so and so will be there, I’m gonna stay home. My wife makes excuses for me a lot of times that I’m working, but it’s kind of obvious that I’m avoiding. I look like a jerk and people make comments that I’m not coming because I don’t like them. I don’t really care how it looks and who is offended. If someone was a vile killer, I’d obviously be doing the same and wouldn’t care what anyone else thought. The more hints you drop to uncle Bob, the sooner he might second guess his guest list.
Simple. You are there to look after your wife and kids. Repurpose your visit in your mind and live with your decision