A few days ago, I went to a local restaurant by myself to have supper. This cute woman with a pom pom on her toque was sitting in a booth across the way, with a couple guys that looked like they could be her dad and brother. I sat in a booth near the bar. She looked at me as I walked in and held my gaze for seconds.
A short time later she walks by me to go to the washroom, meanwhile my buddy just happens to call me as she's getting up, so I answered the call. But I couldn't help watch her go by and she was watching me the whole time, too.
When I was done eating, they were still there. I stood up to leave and put on my jacket, glance over, and she's looking at me – again. While I wasn't looking, she gets up and goes to sit at the bar near me, with her purse, alone. I noticed as I turned to walk out, but even though my mind was screaming to go talk to her, my legs carried me right out.
I am really kicking myself. I came out of a 1 year relationship a couple months ago, dipped my toes in the apps, and shut it down because I have no energy for swiping and carrying text conversations right now. I am open to meeting someone though, and it would be so nice to meet someone in the wild.
But yet, even though she was giving the 'signs', I couldn't bring myself to break the ice. The things that were running through my head: I was wondering if I was just imagining it, I didn't know what to say to her, I feared awkwardly interrupting what looked like a family dinner outing, I didn't want to appear creepy. That last one is a big one. I remember as a teen, hearing girls talk about guys (other guys) being creepy, ew, ick – and I think that formed a core anxiety in me that I don't fully appreciate as a limiting factor in my dating life. So I avoid situations where I might be seen as creepy. Which means I avoid approaching women who are strangers.
Does anyone have any tips?
21 comments
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [Getting over approach anxiety](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1rdol05/getting_over_approach_anxiety/)
**Author:** /u/NorthOfThrifty
**Full text:** A few days ago, I went to a local restaurant by myself to have supper. This cute woman with a pom pom on her toque was sitting in a booth across the way, with a couple guys that looked like they could be her dad and brother. I sat in a booth near the bar. She looked at me as I walked in and held my gaze for seconds.
A short time later she walks by me to go to the washroom, meanwhile my buddy just happens to call me as she’s getting up, so I answered the call. But I couldn’t help watch her go by and she was watching me the whole time, too.
When I was done eating, they were still there. I stood up to leave and put on my jacket, glance over, and she’s looking at me – again. While I wasn’t looking, she gets up and goes to sit at the bar near me, with her purse, alone. I noticed as I turned to walk out, but even though my mind was screaming to go talk to her, my legs carried me right out.
I am really kicking myself. I came out of a 1 year relationship a couple months ago, dipped my toes in the apps, and shut it down because I have no energy for swiping and carrying text conversations right now. I am open to meeting someone though, and it would be so nice to meet someone in the wild.
But yet, even though she was giving the ‘signs’, I couldn’t bring myself to break the ice. The things that were running through my head: I was wondering if I was just imagining it, I didn’t know what to say to her, I feared awkwardly interrupting what looked like a family dinner outing, I didn’t want to appear creepy. That last one is a big one. I remember as a teen, hearing girls talk about guys (other guys) being creepy, ew, ick – and I think that formed a core anxiety in me that I don’t fully appreciate as a limiting factor in my dating life. So I avoid situations where I might be seen as creepy. Which means I avoid approaching women who are strangers.
Does anyone have any tips?
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I feel for you bro. Sometimes you just gotta shoot your shot and expect nothing to come out of it. It can be a bit nerve racking right in the heat of it “How did you enjoy the food?” “I really like your pom pom” “I have that same purse” just some lines off the top of my head. Dont beat yourself up over it and have fun with it next time another opportunity presents itself.
I would have done the same thing I am scared to talk to people for fear of being creepy
Don’t be creepy. You can say hello and see if she’s interested in having a convo. I look at people all the time and never consider that as a sign of anything other than i have eyes
Shit dude after my break and time off being over 30 gave me this “fuck it” feeling and I’ll chat it up and if it’s not reciprocated or off I just shrug and move on. Being older is great like the fear of highschool rejection is gone. Just send it get denied few times or don’t it’s all good, just be respectful and friendly
Maybe practice small talk with strangers regardless of dateability. Before covid, I was a very social person, so I had no issues talking to strangers while waiting in line at the cafe, grocery store, etc. However, I wasn’t doing it with an agenda. So, since I was regularly talking to strangers, I’d find myself occasionally talking to a cute guy by happenstance.
Talking to strangers is a skill—I’ve never fully recovered my pre-Covid abilities since like other skills you need to practice. So, make some small talk with little old ladies while at the grocery store or basically anyone. Start with low stakes situations. Then when you meet an attractive woman treat her like you would any other stranger (this will remove the creep factor)
omg the pom pom toque detail is so cute! sounds like there was def some mutual interest there, maybe next time just smile and say hi when you catch her looking?
>Does anyone have any tips?
Start by opening conversations with a broader range of strangers. So by this I mean people who you aren’t interested in – and you’ll quickly realise what works for you.
And then approach the women you’re interested in a similar way.. because attractive women are people too and all you’re really trying to do is start a conversation to get a bit of a vibe check.
It’s only creepy if she tells you she isn’t interested, and you keep hitting on her.
Tell her that you noticed her cute toque, and ask if she’s down for a quick shinny. If she’s a Leafs fan, you know she’s into choking…
Don’t overthink it, and don’t reject yourself before you try.
Woman here.
You mentioned a lot not wanting to seem creepy. I can assure you that truly creepy guys rarely ponder whether or not they seem creepy. Or whether the woman feels comfortable or not. You don’t seem like a creep at all.
Now, it’s hard to tell if she was really sending you signs. I get distracted easily and I start staring at people all the time, without it being an invitation. The fact that she wasn’t smiling at you directly and more like starring non-stop might actually be a bit creepy on her part haha. But then again, what reason would she have to come and sit at the bar next to you if she was already seated with her party? Maybe that wasn’t a family dinner. Maybe she was having dinner with her gay best friends and commiserating on how being single sucks and she feels lonely, but no man ever approaches her in real life.
I would take pressure off yourself, whether it’s on the apps or approaching people in the wild. Just be normal and polite. Worst case, they’re not interested and you’ll know right away. Best case, they are curious and interested, and again you will know right away.
The creepiness comes from pretending not to understand that someone is not interested or still insisting after they’ve told you downright that they’re not interested. Striking a polite small talk conversation with a stranger isn’t inherently creepy.
Shoot your shot. I met 2 exes that way, but I was very clear with the signs to come talk to me; smiling, nodding etc.
I look at it this way. If your concern is being perceived as creepy….
Approaching, saying hello and getting a feel for the vibe isn’t creepy by most reasonable people’s standards. When I see a guy do that I think ‘That’s pretty ballsy and kind of cool. Why am I not doing that?’ Even when they get rejected. Girls are usually flattered by it, though they may not show it outwardly.
Sticking around and pushing it once she makes clear she isn’t interested, or backing off but being a douche about it. That’s creepy by most reasonable people’s standards. Don’t do that.
She may even be testing you. And if you handle the rejection like a boss, she might just chase after you.
You’re going to run into some girls who freak out over a kindly ‘hello’. You don’t want those girls. And frankly, the friends she tells about the interaction may praise her outwardly, but inside, they know who was the @$$hole in that scenario.
Just make conversation to make conversation. The fact you even noticed there were signs of interest is different than what a lot of guys would see. Most would miss the signs and gone home even after talking to her oblivious to what could have happened there.
I think the main thing is to separate the approach and desired outcomes in your mind.
You are not trying share your life with this woman, you are just trying to have a conversation.
So, you had plenty of downtime between when you noticed her and before you left.
Use that time to think of an ice-breaker. Usually, a compliment + question about an esthetic choice she made works well for this. You mentioned the pom-pom on her toque, that’s a perfect opening. “Hi, I noticed your pom-pom’s, they are cute, is there a story behind them.” Boom, you are into your conversation, no pressure, don’t expect anything, just enjoy the conversation. If you happen to talk about interests and there is mutual interest in something, then invite her to join you going to that interest. Again, no pressure, just two people who share an interest.
No advice, but just want to commiserate with you. I’m over 30, just ended a 3 year engagement a few months go. Went out to a show and saw an absolutely gorgeous girl putting out the vibe, clearly wanting to get hit on. I actually faced my fears (being 4 drinks deep helped), and went up and started hitting on her and talking to her, it went great! I was like….holy shit I can’t believe this is happening.
But then……I just totally dropped the ball. She was obviously wanting to dance and get hit on, and I just kinda hung out near her and her friend until she gave me a look of sheer disappointment and started dancing on the other side of her friend. Totally fucked it up.
Remind yourself daily that in ~60-100 years, there probably won’t be anyone alive who ever saw or heard about these kinds of blunders you might have made. In just ~5-30 years, anyone who does see or hear about them will have long since stopped thinking of them, besides you.
You will not be on your deathbed, or even your bed 10 years from now, thinking “I sure wish I’d taken less chances with my approaches.”
Finally, the quickest way to get better at any of this relationship or interpersonal stuff is to dive in as frequently as possible.
Next time, write a simple note with your contact info, making it clear who you are and that you couldn’t help but notice her, and ask waitstaff to pass it on. You don’t have to stick around in case of rejection, and the worst is she doesn’t text or call in response. But it meets her with where she is with similarly low stakes in signalling interest.
“Approach anxiety” is PUA lingo.
You did the right thing, even if it was only done subconsciously. Probably the best possible outcome; nobody was harmed or creeped out.
You shouldn’t sit in a booth, sit at the bar. Maybe you talk to a woman (but don’t let that be your break/make for the night), maybe you talk about hockey with the dude beside you, maybe you talk about drinks with the bartender.
But being in a booth really excludes you.
I think youve already received some good thoughts / perspective here so I’d just add. Be proud anytime you do it! It’s hard and most people won’t cold approach someone. And try to detach yourself from the outcome. Some people won’t be interested but it’s all helpful practice. However, me feeing since doing this more (bars, gym, coffee shops) is that almost everyone is craving more connection and if you’re kind and not a creep, people are happy to meet someone new!
I think you’ll only be seen as creepy if you invade her personal space straight away and say something too sexual. If you just sit next to her at the bar and say hi you can just make small talk as you would anyone else