This might be long. About a week ago, I got really upset with a guy I've (30nb) been seeing for the past three months (34m) because I found out his friend likely drugged me.
On our third hangout, when we were only hanging out as friends but had little crushes on each other, we went out dancing, and his friend offered me a capsule of mushrooms. He told me it was a little bit more than a microdose, so I took it. About two hours in, my jaw started clenching, and I started feeling really strong effects of Molly and very little psilocybin. I started freaking out because I've spent the past year healing from an assault, and this put my body in a really difficult place while also on a drug I didn't recognize.
The person who had given me the pill had left at that time, so I went outside to stop myself from spiraling. My friend followed and sat with me while I told him how violating it felt. I explained a little bit more about what I'd been going through, and he cried hearing my story, which made me feel very seen. He apologized for what I'd gone through over the past year, said I didn't deserve any of that, then he assured me his friend would never do something like that and that he'd talk to him about it. He also kept saying things that night, like, "Just try to have fun and make the most of tonight."
The next day, his friend swore up and down that he only gave me 400mg of mushrooms and even sent me a link to the place he got them. He kept saying things like, "Did you leave your drink unattended?" And swore profusely that he had no idea what happened.
I chose to believe him and chalked it up to a weird experience and a good reminder not to take things from people, even if I want to trust them.
Because that night brought me closer to my friend by sharing a really hard part of my story, we started seeing each other more frequently and eventually started casually dating, introducing a sexual dynamic which I haven't done with a man since my assault.
After a particularly hard therapy day, I decided to go out dancing with him and his friend again. The guy I've been seeing off-handedly mentioned his friend had a molly/mushroom pill if I wanted one. A wall went up in my body because he mentioned it so casually. That entire night, I told him I didn't feel like being touched, and while he was respectful about it, his friend kept monitoring our closeness and asking if "everything was okay" between us.
Over the past few weeks, when he'd try to make plans with me, I kept feeling really weird about it. After talking about it with a friend, she told me that I didn't take the initial night seriously enough and that they both put me in a very unsafe situation, at a time when I needed a lot of safety on my healing journey.
I confronted him and told him I needed to take some time, especially realizing that dating at this point in my journey, especially with men, probably isn't a smart idea. He got wildly defensive, as if I were blaming him, and kept using language saying that he understands that I have to do what feels best for myself, but that it would still destroy him, even though he hasn't been seeing me that long and doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.
His reaction, and my PTSD flares from realizing his friend had the pill he denied having, made my body freak out leading me to do an intake assessment at a local hospital for a partial hospitalization program, realizing that I need much more intensive healing regarding my initial assault and also to help me assess whether dating men in the future is smart for me at all. (I'm very queer and mostly date non-binary ppl and women, so a very realistic future for me.)
I think what's fucking me up the most about this is that in his message, he told me that this entire time he'd had it in the back of his mind that his friend might have given me molly as a "favor" for him, as if it would loosen me up. WHAT?!?! I hate the thought of this so much because before that night, this guy and I were not on any kind of intimate level at all and wouldn't have got there had I not been on molly. I got so mad when he said that because why would he even be friends with someone he'd suspect of doing that? He told me he has a bad habit of believing the best in people, and that his friend has trauma, so he'd never expect that of him. To me, it just feels like predictable male bullshit where dudes won't call out their friends even when they are clearly bad people. I would never, ever be friends with someone who'd drug a person I had a crush on in hopes that would make them have sex with me. That's literally predator behavior and so scary.
I told this guy I couldn't even talk about this for the time being because I'm already tackling really intense things in therapy with my OG assault, and now I feel like I have to process potentially being drugged to open up for someone I thought I could trust. I'm just really disappointed, too, by his response. Had he acknowledged at any point that his friend likely put me in a terrible position and then asked me what I needed, I would have felt more open to him. But he seemed more devastated at the thought of losing access to me while I heal than at the fact that his friend likely put me in a very retraumatizing situation. He also kept defending his friend and saying that he "believes the best of people," even though this is a person who has lied to him tons of times and has a ton of red flags.
Other red flags that this guy has told me about his friend: He regularly cheats on his fiancé and brings random girls around without being honest about his relationship status, he put this guy's ex in that same situation and he made this girl apologize to his fiance instead of owning up to his role in it, he's aggressive in the way he raises his cats, and he has asked my friend to lie on his behalf. (These are all things I found out long after that night.)
I guess I'm struggling because PTSD is complex, and I feel like even guys who think they are nice guys with good morals still have the capacity to be close to dangerous people. I just really can't wrap my mind around being close to someone like that, or not understanding in this situation why I need time to figure out what I want to do next. Honestly, the way this has all been handled makes me never want to see him again or even hear a single explanation, even if he had no idea about it all.
Am I overreacting? I know a lot of this is trauma-informed, and my body is shutting down, but I just can't comprehend why I'd ever be put in a situation like this by someone who claims to really care about me.
TL;DR
Met a guy and started hanging out as friends. One night, while we both had budding crushes on each other but were only platonic, his friend misled me and gave me molly when he told me it was a mushroom microdose capsule. I freaked out because I'm in the midst of processing an assault, but his friend denied it and convinced me that maybe someone else had drugged my drink.
My friend and I got closer because of that night and eventually started casually dating. A few months into dating, he mentions that this friend has a molly/mushroom pill and offers it to me off-hand. I confront him about this. He mentions he'd always been worried in the back of his mind that his friend did that to me as a "favor" for him to loosen me up, and also got concerned when he saw his friend had that pill, but never confronted him about it! I tell him I need to take a step back because this is all very retraumatizing, and I can't understand why he'd be close with someone capable of doing that. He gets defensive and seems more stressed about his access to me than about what feels safe for me. Now I don't know if I can ever see him again because my body feels so disgusted that I was put in proximity to someone so dangerous by someone I thought was safe. Am I overreacting?