A little background: I (27 M) met my current GF (25 F) some months ago.
It was very refreshing to click with someone emotionally, as I’ve been single for six years. In 2020, I was diagnosed with a really aggressive autoimmune disease which made dating impossible, resulted in lots of traumatic hospital experiences, and changed my lifestyle massively. I started to really hate my body and never felt sexy. I knew that being intimate again would be challenging.
My GF lives five hours away, so we don’t spend as much time together as a lot of couples starting out. However, the first time we met, the dynamic was easy, and I started to feel myself falling for her. But then, when we started kissing at the end of the first date, I noticed how intense it was for her. She kind of lost control, grinding, pulling my hair, gnashing teeth, and moaning. We were standing outside my house and it made me very uncomfortable.
My GF grew up in a religious setting and told me that she suffered some trauma from that, but her family disavowed their church when she was 14. Even so, the religious weirdness in their household remained, and she never masturbated until college. Now sex is all she can think about. I’ve told her I need to go slowly, and that I have lots of work to do, but that she’s the person I want to do that work with and that I’m committed.
I‘m visiting her now and it does kind of worry me though. We can’t share a normal kiss without her getting uncontrollably sexual, we can’t even talk without her interrupting to tell me that she’s about to get wet. I still struggle with my diagnosis and am not feeling well a lot of the time, and I want to be able to ease into this with her. I want to be able to hold her and kiss her and gradually get turned on by her, but I don’t think she’s able to do that. I think it’s just 0-60 because of some of the emotional trauma (and maybe sexual immaturity) that she has. It honestly turns me off that she has no control over herself and it feels exhausting.
I’ve explained that my previous experiences with my illness have really altered intimacy for me, and she says she understands. But she really seems unable to control her urges. How do I explain that I am uncomfortable with this without it seeming like we are just “incompatible“ and need to break up?