To be clear up front, I am not using this post as a substitute for therapy, or processing the trauma itself or its psychological effects (have a therapist, and meds) – it’s a specific question I have regarding its introduction within the context of dating for anyone who might have encountered some aspect of this before, borne from a brief discussion I had in a daily thread. I’m aiming to convey this concisely enough to not doxx myself and to stay on topic, yet matter-of-fact enough in order to still be properly illustrative of my query.
Using myself as an example, I have no siblings, and have been no-contact with my family for the pretty much the entirety of my adult life due to both of my parents being routinely, consistently abusive, to a life-threatening degree on a number of occasions when I was still a child. Needless to say things were scary and difficult, as was navigating adulthood pretty much on my own from scratch.
Is this still scary and difficult for me? Yes, but I have taken the steps to grow – I’ve done some truly amazing therapy over the years, I’m on meds, I eat healthy, I’m active, I journal, I don’t use substances, I have a cat who is my world and a number of really strong friendships (not the biggest social life, but I’m more comfortable one-on-one than in large groups), I now make six figures – I still have days that feel ridiculously hard, and insurmountable, but things have definitely better from where they were, and I’m grateful. I’m far from perfect, and there’s no reality where I’ll never feel depressed again, or anxious, or triggered, but I’ve gotten way better at handling those things when they happen, and as such, things are better than they’ve ever been.
All that being said, I’m always re-evaluating how to open the door on this aspect of my life with a potential partner, how to balance transparency with consideration – once that door is open, I’m comfortable with how to pace further disclosure, when to go deeper, when to not, but it’s the timing of that initial disclosure, of “hey so I don’t actually have a relationship with my family like most people do,” that I wrestle with, as that alone feels like dropping a bomb on someone, and that particular dilemma rears its head early and often. Albeit innocuously, family questions come up pretty often in getting-to-know-you situations like a new job or a first date, and for jobs at least, I’ve had to lie a lot. I hate doing that, but the truth isn’t appropriate for a work setting. It’s a hard thing for a lot of people to wrap their head around.
Within dating it’s different of course. I haven’t lied to a partner. When I was younger and the wounds were more raw I definitely disclosed more than I should have early on and learned “yeah, don’t do that.” I felt safe enough to open that door early with my last two partners in late twenties/early thirties, but only because they had their own trauma that they mentioned first, and we were able to start opening up with each other as adults in a way that did not feel like trauma dumping. I’ve been on both sides of that before and it didn’t feel that way with them. Not sure what I’d do in a different situation, though. I’m determined to be seen as more than just the sum of every bad thing that’s happened to me, and I’d like someone to get to know the present me before learning about my past, but holding off/dancing around that revelation feels deceptive. Yet dangling the tip of the iceberg seems to create an unnecessary mystery, and again, dropping that fact on someone when they’re not anticipating it doesn’t feel entirely fair.
So yeah. Somebody brought up this situation of disclosure in a daily thread, and although I’ve done plenty of work to examine my own perspective, I thought it might be fruitful to open this up for further discussion, as well as the possible benefit of anyone in a similar situation. My question isn’t quite “what do you think I should do,” but more “if you were receiving this information, how/what/when would you want to know?”