I (29M) found out that my gf (23F) had her IUD removed when she explicitly told me she had it replaced. I was told this in march 2025. Surprise, she got pregnant. I didn’t know how to feel then, and felt I was being lied to. I had people around me (they had reasons to speak ill of her and clearly didn’t like her as she was the new woman in my life) tell me she had it removed and that I was being lied to, but I typically don’t take that seriously unless there’s proof. I did ask at the time based on this, and she got defensive about it and I chalked it up to “wouldn’t anyone get defensive about being called a baby trapper?”, so I justified her reaction and just filed it away. I had no proof, so I don’t go further than that without it. I also had explicit discussions with her about the idea of abortion as this might not be the time to have another kid for myself, but at the end of the day, it was her choice and I’m not gonna sit here and dictate what a woman does with her body. I made my choice by taking a risk (I guess) and the rest is out of my hands. I did like her, love her, yada yada yada. We had something. I was just getting through a divorce, and I have a young son already from that marriage, and didn’t want to have another kid at this time. We had lots of sex with her IUD before so she made it seem like well the new one was put in wrong or we had sex too early after insertion and maybe that’s what happened. I believed it. We had our problems a bit on the way, but essentially worked our way into a more serious relationship by around September October and I’m just accepting that well, we had something and it never was “bad” by any means, so what’s wrong with jumping in and just doing this relationship thing now anyway, considering the kid is inbound. Fast forward, son is born, I’m on the certificate, what have you. It’s now 2 months or so after his birth, and I’ve discovered that she may actually be lying about this IUD thing and I asked about it and she finally (after blowing up and getting defensive) admitted to it being removed and that she “intended on getting it replaced” but “didn’t tell me cause she didn’t think she’d get pregnant immediately after it being removed and in between the appointment to get a new one in” and that she feels stupid for it and that she made this choice and had full intention of it being replaced but when she got pregnant, she obviously didnt want to admit she had it removed and since I already asked her if she did, she felt defensive and just said no so she didn’t look like A baby trapper.
I’ve since let this go based on her explanation, and she was saying “well I guess you’re done with me now then?? This is over since you know I lied?”.
I’m an avoidant who hates conflict and ultimately just said I’m not done with her, and it’s not like we can put the toothpaste back in the tube now.
But I look at my life and can’t help but feel betrayed and lied to and probably feeling like even the explanation was a deflection of fault on her end.
I do care about her and in some way feel a bond to her whether trauma or what not. We have a good relationship as people, it’s just this kind of lying is quite the stunner and the time and effort she took to keeping it feels hurtful. I’m already an avoidant who doesn’t trust easily so now I’m really spinning a bit.
TL/dr: just found out now… a year + the birth of our son (in December 2025) later that my gf had her IUD removed back in march 2025 without telling me and said it was cause it hurt and she had the intention of getting it replaced. For context, This is now my second kid (first one from previous marriage) so I’d never abandon a kid of mine, and the child never did anything.
I don’t know how to feel, think, and I’m looking for advice on how to handle this kind of bomb because for someone like me, this lie leads to a whack load of stories running through my brain and I can’t wrap my head around it all, while trying to get my life back in order after a divorce, having now 2 kids, and debt to overcome. Apologies if this story is long and doesn’t make sense, I don’t really talk to people and this is just me spilling everything out in a public forum.