I’ve (34F) been with my partner (37F) for almost a year. I’m posting this because I’ve spent the whole weekend with her family and I’ve realized I’m just… done. I’m not even angry anymore, just completely drained.

I’ve slowly become the only adult in this relationship. I’m the one who works, studies, saves for the future, and plans everything. She’s 37 and still lives a "day-to-day" life, staying at her brother’s place where she doesn’t have to lift a finger. She has zero savings and no real ambition to build a life with me that requires any effort. She just expects me to handle all the "grown-up" stuff.

The emotional part is what’s really killing it for me, though. Every single month, we have the same exhausting "talk." She dumps all her insecurities on me: stuff about being jealous for no reason, or crying because she "feels" I don’t love her enough. I’ve done years of therapy to handle my own baggage, but she refuses to go. So I’ve basically become her unpaid therapist. It’s like I’m watching my younger, unhealed self, but she refuses to do any of the work to get better.

When we have a conflict, she never takes responsibility. She’ll even do something reckless (like driving like a maniac in a storm) and then find a way to blame me for it because I "made her feel bad" earlier. It’s constant gaslighting to avoid ever being the one at fault.

As you can imagine, my attraction to her is at zero. I don’t want to be intimate with someone I have to mother and constantly reassure. And because she senses my distance, she pressures me for sex or more validation, which just makes me want to run away.

The only thing keeping me here is her family. Her mom is amazing and honestly treats me better and supports me more than my partner does. Losing them feels like losing my own home.

Is it possible to fix a relationship where you’ve lost all respect for the other person’s maturity? Or am I just delaying the inevitable because I’m scared to lose her family?

TL;DR: I’m 34F (lawyer) and my 37F partner has no ambition, no savings, and refuses to go to therapy for her deep insecurities. I’ve ended up "mothering" her and being her therapist, which has killed our sex life and my respect for her. I love her family, but I feel like I’m suffocating.

Edit: I’m adding this because several people asked why I’m in this relationship. When I wrote the post I was very angry, but beyond the family issues there are good things too. We do love each other, even if we show it in very different ways. She is fun and does care about me, in her own way, and we share many hobbies. None of this erases what I wrote before. I still feel the same. This is just more context.

I also want to add that she has a terrible memory about absolutely everything. I initially thought it might be a medical issue and I pushed her hard to see a doctor. That part is on me, I slipped into a “parent” role and I now realize that was a mistake. In the end, the one who actually organized the medical appointments was her mother. Now that it’s clear there’s nothing medically wrong, I think the issue is that she’s used to leaning on others to an extreme degree. Parents, partner, friends, work. Basically everyone around her.


45 comments

  1. I don’t think there is any salvaging this relationship. Once the ick has set in, you’re pretty much done.

    Once you find a supportive and worthy partner, the pain of losing her family won’t feel as bad.

  2. Definitely delaying the inevitable, sorry to say. The ship has sailed on this one and you deserve a partner, not a womanchild. Perhaps you can keep in touch with her mother, I know several people who did that after an amicable breakup, but it’s heavily situational. Either way, good luck ❤️

  4. Nope, nothing to save here. Do the mature thing and break up with this person that you don’t even like. Yes it’s nice having wonderful inlaws, but that’s really not enough to carry a relationship 

  7. *You* can’t fix a relationship you haven’t broken. She’s refusing therapy, blaming you, isn’t making any changes. You can’t fix her, and she doesn’t want to fix herself.

  8. Don’t avoid dumping someone just cuz her mom is nice.

    You will find new family but you have to find a partner you actually like first.

    Trust your self and move on. You deserve to be loved.

  9. What’s missing from this post are the reasons you’re together, the time shared, the qualities that attracted you to her.

    I think the description you gave sounds like someone who is unwell. As someone with BPD, some of these issues sound familiar to me. I think there’s a beautiful, capable person underneath the insecurity and emotional attachments, but she needs to go on a journey within herself to discover that person and bring her out, you can’t do that for her. She sounds to me like she has the narrative that she is ‘incapable’ or that things only go well when she lets others handle them. That’s a very scary way to lead your life, one without agency or choice.

    The way you describe it as feeling like dating a ‘teenager’ immediately puts me in that headspace because that’s how teenagers are, they haven’t learned responsibility or agency. They learned to live through begging and pleading, because no other strategy seems available to them.

    None of this is to say you should stay. You also have stresses and a life to lead, your own agency and independence to worry about. All of this is just to say that she can get better, and when she figures it out and finds the supports she needs to become her authentic self unapologetically, then all those reasons you love her will be the only ones remaining.

    The question is, is it her or the behavior you don’t love? If it’s the behaviour, it’s not easy but it can be fixed, and you probably also have behaviors that are not the healthiest. If it’s her, then it cannot be fixed with you.

  10. Try this:

    I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even find the energy to make this long winded reason to tell you I’m done. I just am.

  11. I dont mean any disrespect, but its not even been a year. In a year’s time people are usually still honeymooning and on best behavior. If you get to a feeling of “done” so quickly, this isnt going to work and were incompatible from the beginning. Wish her well and move on.

    There is nothing to say you cant remain friends with her mom.

  13. Dude. It’s only been a year. It’s going to take years for her to become the person you want her to be even if she does the work. But really, she’s 37, I don’t think she’s for changing at this point. She’s a 37 year old girl, whoever she is with will need to look after her and put up with the tantrums indefinitely.

    You don’t live together, logistically this is an easy break for you. I think emotionally you’re in for it though.

  14. Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I can totally relate to you in my own relationship. I am so tired of being the only responsible who’s saving money, planning and handling adult things. When I bring things up it is like talking to a kid who mistakes dreams with no effort to ambition. Not finishing school, not working full time etc.

    We are so close to break up right now as all these things will come collapsing down when you TRULY start building your life together. Dream of buying a house, a car etc will come financially so huge burden to you that you see no love or magic in that. For me it was moving abroad this Spring and planning starting a family together, perhaps marriage in the next two years. We are in an agreed 40/60 relationship. I noticed that I have to carry the biggest planning and all paying burden in that. That will give you an ick beyond healing.

    Please talk these things seriously and if she is not willing to change, do not waste your time.

  16. This seems pretty cut and dry. Sorry this is tough to make a decision on, I always think a good way is to think about how you would feel if make X decision or Y decision so you can really focus on how it makes you feel as a guide. It sounds like you’ll be quite relieved.

  17. You will do her a huge favor by ending the relationship and letting her know (gently!) why.

    It will suuuuuck to lose the support of her mom, but that’s just the most likely and logical scenario. You will be ok.

  18. You don’t marry the family. The marry the person you’re dating. I dated more than one lame guy with a great family – the family never makes it worth it.

    This isn’t a good relationship for you. Grieve potentially losing the relationship with the family and end it.

  19. I always start with this question, but:

    Is she aware of how dire this situation is? Like does she know you’re on your last legs trying to maintain the desire for a relationship with her?

    If she doesn’t know, tell her. Kindly, but honestly. People hate conversations like this because they look like ultimatums, but if you love her, this could be the kick in the ass she needs. If you’re willing to work on it, have the conversation. Have meaningful and tangible things that you need from her, or that you need to be true of your life together, starting on X date. Don’t ask for the moon, but it should be something significant and not something small. It should be something that will actually give you hope and spark your love for her again. And you can’t ask for a million of these, so don’t waste this one on “I want you to take the trash out by Wednesday.” Be serious about what would change your mind.

    When you discuss it, this shouldn’t be said as if it is a threat. It is not; you’re being real. It’s very “hey I need X. We have talked about how I need X previously, and I’ve really tried to get along without it, but I can’t. I love you and I want this to work, but I need x. And if x isn’t possible, I understand, because I know this stuff is hard, but I will have to [move out/take that 6 month temp job in Mexico/visit family for a bit/break up/etc]. I want us to work it out together, but I have to make sure I’m not ignoring things I need.”

    I’ve found it to be effective! So if you want to work it out, tell her how dire this is, tell her what you need and when you need it, and give it a shot. If she doesnt do it, now you know and that’s that. If she does do it, now take stock of things at this juncture. How did it go? Does she now resent you? Does she see what you mean and is working towards being the person you need her to be? How do you feel? Etc. You’ll know what to do.

    If you’re already over it, that’s that. And I’m worried by the way you were the most complimentary to her mother that it might be over and you may be too far gone. But think on it, and see where you end up.

    Best of luck.

  20. How hot is she? Because that the only other quality that you haven’t commented on that might make me understand why you’re in a relationship with this person at all.

    Unless you also have a rescue/fixing fetish that she’s filling for you

    To answer your question directly, no, there’s no way to “fix” an imbalanced relationship…at least not based on my 5 decades of experience

  21. idk honestly, that’s so true. the ick is like a permanent stain, it’s tough to scrub off once it’s there?

  24. bruh that bot is relentless, just hit ’em with a quick summary and repost. mods are just tryin to keep things organized

  26. fr girl, if he’s doing that now, imagine what else he’d air out online. rock those shoes and dump him

  30. I think that if you already talked to her and you told her all the things that bother you, showed her how much that matters in a relationship for you and she didn’t do anything about it then there is no respect or effort from her part. Relationships need effort and respect. I think you can work any Relationship out if there is those two from both sides. If not then there’s no relationship.

  31. Oof, are you me? Same scenario right down to the ages…. there was no fixing this for me.

    She won’t change because she has a second mommy to look after her, and you can only grow resentful for being expected to parent a grown adult who is more like a dependent instead of having an actual partner. Sorry that you’re also dealing with this.

  33. I think your relationship is cooked. That’s how I knew my previous relationship was over. I just genuinely did not care how upset they would be when I dumped them.

  34. Sooo… is her mom single? I mean, if that’s why you’re staying, might as well cut out the middle man

  36. I’m 23 (f) and I just broke up with my bf for the same reason. Everything you just listed is what I was drained from. It’s exhausting, unfulfilling, rage inducing, and it essentially like hooking yourself to a sinking ship…so why do you do it? I don’t think it’s ALL because you love her family tbh. Maybe I’m projecting or applying a generalization but there might be something you/your wounded self are getting out of this dynamic.

    I used to look for dis regulated, immature, dependent people who I was constantly mothering. I was unhappy, completely un attracted to them, and did not feel like their equal…and they needed me. I felt useful, in control, and felt secure in the fact that they would not abandon me or reject me because I was the secure, mature partner that provided so many different things.

    I’m not saying this is your reason for still being with this woman but instead pointing out that in scenarios like this, there is something far stronger and deeper keeping us with this person. To many people and possibly a part of yourself, this sounds like a lost cause. She’s far too old to be acting like this and it doesn’t seem like she’ll be growing out of it soon. You sound unhappy and drained, and you’re essentially mothering a teenager when you should be finding your life partner and equal. You’re hooking yourself to a sinking, burning, empty ship and I find it hard to believe that it’s simply because you really like her family.

  38. I have been in a similar relationship where I felt I was ‘the adult’ and it’s sooooo unsexy. Your partner needs to make some drastic life changes to preserve the relationship, but I sadly think that at 37 (my age), this is who she is.

    We’re not all perfect, and yeh people grow and change. But basic stuff like personal accountability and money sense and self-preservation are usually fairly ingrained or not by now.

  39. How desperate are you to be entertaining this? The person who you describe is absolutely undatable, why are you with them?

  40. I think the only possible way back would be if she agrees to go to therapy and work on herself, like you’ve asked and she’s already refused. And even then it sounds like a long shot. But if you’re truly invested and asking here it’s either because you’re seeking permission to let go, or grasping at straws not to, so it might be worth it, if it’s the latter, to try one last ditch effort conversation telling her calmly how you feel, and that you will not tolerate this from a partner, so it’s therapy to try to salvage it, or she can pack her things. (Or you have the conversation and tell her it’s over, of course, not trying to influence you to stay with a bad partner if you’re well and truly done.)

    I’ve been the “adult” partner before, and I know how much it sucks. I’m sorry you’re in this boat. I know ultimatums suck, but hopefully whether you stay or go this can be the wake up call your partner needs to improve herself for whatever lies ahead.

    Best of luck moving forward!

  41. Good for you for seeing this now for what it is! Unfair.

    You’ve given it longer than many could have. You have done the inner work and sound very balanced and well rounded. You deserve a partner who has the same qualities.

  42. Break up. She’s bad for your mental health and it’s unlikely things will improve.

    Possibly stay in touch with the family if that’s viable. Try to have your own support network in place to help you through the break up.

  43. I’m here just to encourage you to spend some time grieving the relationship with her mother. “Losing them feels like losing my own home.” 

    That is a real, and painful, loss. I’m not gonna say it won’t hurt. 

    But no. You cannot partner a teenager. It doesn’t work. 

    I don’t think your work in therapy is done! Because she has been like this and you chose her for an entire year- what’s that about? What were you attracted to, what has stopped you from leaving, how are you going to find that sense of “home” inside you? 

  44. She has no intention of growing up. Run don’t walk. You can’t fix her. She isn’t even aware that she’s broken. Her mother loves you because you’ve hung around so long would be my guess because deep down her family realizes she’s a spoiled brat that’s lazy and irresponsible. You deserve to be with a grown-up.

  45. She seems to have multiple issues. She’d have to work hard and fast to turn these issues around. Do you want a partner in life or a great MIL…

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