Hey everyone, I’m looking for some perspective because I’ve never experienced anything like this before in my previous relationships, and I’m honestly feeling very confused and hurt.
I (28M) started dating a girl (25F) on Boxing Day after meeting on dating app. Things moved really fast. We became exclusive, had sex, had deep conversations, and even talked about the future. We live about 3 hours apart due to work and school, and both of us said we were willing to try and make it work.
The night before Valentine’s Day, seemingly out of nowhere, she told me she felt we were incompatible due to religion and cultural differences. We had discussed these topics before, and they never seemed like deal breakers, so I was completely blindsided. Earlier that day, everything seemed fine.
The conversation unfolded while we were sitting at the dining table, about to prepare dinner. She said, “Hey, I’m sorry to bring this up to you at this time, but I think we are incompatible due to religion and cultural differences.” I was shocked and asked, “I don’t understand this. It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I drove all the way up here to see you, is this really what you want for us?”
We went back and forth for a bit, tense, emotional, but no swearing. I started panicking and felt sick, so I rushed to the room to pack my things because I couldn’t listen to the conversation anymore. Finally, we sat by the doorstep, both upset and tearful. I asked, “Is this really what you want? There’s no more turning back from here now. Do you want me to go then?” She said yes, so I left.
I was upset and mentioned feeling “misled”. I realize now that may not have been the best way to phrase it. I wasn’t trying to demonize or accuse her, just expressing my shock and pain.
Here’s where I’m struggling:
It was around 10pm, freezing cold, and I had a 3 hour drive home. I wasn’t feeling well and had taken allergy medication earlier that made me extremely drowsy. She knew I had taken it. I left her place and sat in a Costco parking lot trying to wake up enough to drive safely. Feeling unsafe, I asked if I could stay one more night on the couch or floor. I made it clear I wasn’t trying to argue or fix the relationship, just that I didn’t feel safe driving.
She refused and I respected it. Shortly after, parking lot security called the cops because I looked suspicious. I was ID’d and blow-tested, but I wasn’t under the influence, just exhausted, drowsy, and heartbroken. I explained the situation to them and received a warning before being asked to leave. Around 1am, I eventually drank coffee and drove home in freezing, extremely foggy weather.
I fully understand she had the right to refuse, and I probably should have tried a hotel, but I wasn’t thinking clearly, was emotionally overwhelmed, very exhausted, hungry and wasn’t in a great financial situation. I also want to emphasize I didn’t lurk around her place after I left, I only asked her for accommodation because I just wanted to be safe. Nothing more than that.
Some additional context:
• We were both safe and physically distant after the breakup
• I don’t take allergy meds regularly, it was an OTC medication she offered me because of a severe allergy reaction to her cat
• When she ended things, it happened right before Valentine’s Day, after I had driven up to spend the weekend with her. I was completely caught off guard. Looking back it felt that she was planning it the whole time… her body language, lack of intimacy, no communication on plans or expectations about that day etc.
I’m not questioning her choice to end things now, but definitely heartbroken still. I just feel very confused and hurt by how quickly everything changed. I’m trying to understand:
• How do you move past a breakup that feels sudden and unlike anything you’ve experienced before?
• Is this the kind of thing people mean when they talk about “situationships”?
• How does one trust someone again after this type of encounter?
I’d really appreciate any perspective or advice.