I’ve noticed a recurring issue on dating apps: you can explicitly set your preferences to “Childfree” or "Does not want children," yet these filters are constantly ignored. It seems like some single parents either flat-out lie or use "lying by omission" until a few dates in.

If you are a single parent, what is the logic behind pursuing someone who has stated they don’t want kids?

I completely understand why some parents (especially women) don't list their children on their public profile for safety reasons. That’s valid.

But why actually message or pursue someone who has explicitly stated they aren't looking for that lifestyle?

It feels like a "bait and switch" tactic. Do you truly believe that if they like you enough, they’ll just overlook the fact that you have a child? You are essentially setting yourself up for heartache and wasting everyone's time by chasing people who have already told you they aren't a match for your reality.


7 comments

  1. In my experience, the filter lacks nuance: If you have a kid but don’t want more, what do you pick? If you have a kid but do want more? If you have grown kids etc? 

  2. LOL

    Someone explained it to me before that a person with a child may think it’s fine because they don’t want more kids, and their kid is not your kid, so there is no conflict in their mind: You can still be childfree even if they’re not.

    It may indeed be a disingenuous bait-and-switch, but once I heard that explanation, I could kind of see where the misunderstanding happens.

    Plus, some are just DTF. They won’t bring their kids to the dates, so again, in their mind, there is no conflict.

  3. I’ve set mine to wants children. And I get a lot of child free people liking me. So I started asking.

    Some don’t know what it means.

    Some think it means I don’t have kids, but I want kids in the future with the right person.

    Some think it means I don’t ever want kids (hey, there’s a different option for that, buddy!)

    And very few actually know what it means.

    But none of them cared to read my profile to begin with!

  4. Most ppl just swipe on photos. They don’t care about your profile. When you match then they might look at your profile and… unmatch without regret. Time wasters to me. I don’t care for likes anymore.

    Same with men looking for hookup or poly or living 100km away…. annoying and disrespectful.

  5. Or they just think you’ll be ok with them having a child or wanting one. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’d have people swipe on me that fit that description. I’d immediately swipe left. I’m not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who wants kids/has kids, period.

    I get that it might diminish my ability to find someone, but so be it. (FWIW-I have found someone who doesn’t want kids, and I’m pretty happy about that.)

  6. I just think a lot of people don’t read, and men mostly just swipe right without reading profiles anyway. I matched with a guy who listed “wants kids” on his profile, but when I asked him about it, it seemed like he didn’t even want kids.

    As a childfree woman it’s pretty frustrating to navigate.

  7. Conversely, I have kids and get likes from people that don’t want them. I mention my kids in the second sentence of my profile. Like someone else said, ppl just swipe on pics, they don’t read profiles. It’s very frustrating.

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