I spent years around heavy addiction.
People at rock bottom. Chaos, instability, survival mode.
It strips away social niceties fast.
When you’re around people who have nothing left to lose, you see human behavior in its rawest form.
Here’s what I learned about social dynamics:
1. The most aggressive person is usually the most afraid.
Intimidation is often just unmanaged fear.
2. Calm wins. Always.
In volatile environments, the person who stays emotionally neutral controls the room.
3. People respect boundaries more than kindness.
Kindness without boundaries gets exploited. Calm firmness earns respect.
4. Most manipulation is just desperation in disguise.
When people feel powerless, they try to regain control socially.
5. Everyone wants dignity. Even the ones destroying themselves.
Humiliation triggers more chaos than almost anything else.
Being around extreme situations forces you to read tone, posture, micro-reactions.
You learn fast or you get eaten alive socially.
Curious if anyone else learned social skills in unconventional or high-pressure environments.


18 comments

  1. I learned the same principles from growing up with a mentally ill mother. 

    Ironically it was I, that later became an addict. 

  4. > The most aggressive person is usually the most afraid. Intimidation is often just unmanaged fear.

    This is exactly what I’ve been thinking about today. After overcoming my anxiety, I noticed that I’m far less angry. It was fear and insecurity. I had no idea the entire time.

  6. I agree with all your points. Spending most of my 20s around addicts and homelessness definitely taught me to read people and understand why people act the way they do. I tend assume that people behaving poorly is the result of their own struggles and not related to me. Unfortunately that hasn’t made me any more socially successful.

  7. Addicts are (unfortunately for them) the best people to learn about life from. Why learn a hard lesson yourself when addicts live multiple lives that teach an abundance of wisdom, so to observe their wisdom vicariously through their experience or the way they project themselves based upon those experiences is very very insightful stuff & should grow & ultimately cultivate a sense of empathy for others. In my experience so far of course

  9. I learned to be small and pleasant living with a mentally ill mother. It’s worked for interacting with other people too. It’s not worked for *my* mental well being.

  10. I spent years of my life infront of a pc because my family was dysfunctional. Switching from dealing with few people to managing classrooms and dealing with other adults was a shock to my inner space as everyday was a struggle.

    For 3 years, it takes its toll on you but after that you grow shells that can handle most situations. I can definitely say that being a teacher is one unconventional way I learned to be better at expressing my ideas.

  11. If I could tattoo this onto the back of my eyelids. . .

    Hi there, I’m a chronic people-pleaser with poor boundaries. I am currently at rock bottom. My drug of choice is love, affection and positive attention. I end up sleeping with people I may not find all the physically appealing, I stay in relationships that I know are going nowhere, and I dont lay down my boundaries when Im upset at someone I DO actually manage to date and like. This last one has led to the most catastrophic results.

    I say Im at bottom because I have been suicidally depressed for the last six months. Crying self to sleep, etc. My last breakup has caused me more agony than I thought even possible. All of this because I do not do the things you mentioned. I assume my kindness will be returned, and dont give me that shit about “youre just being manipulative if youre expecting others to return your kindness.” Its called reciprocity and when someone is kind to me, I fucking let them know and try to show up for them. I hate that adage “its not kind if you expect something back” because it really is fucking bullshit, and it smells of people trying to dodge responsibility and engaging with others. Weak shit, in my eyes. However. . .

    Learning the hard way that without boundaries none of that works. I have to spell out to people “Hey, Im expecting such and such behavior. You didnt do that, Im not going to engage with you anymore” or “the nature of the relationship will have to reflect the reality of what I can reasonably expect from you going forward”.

    The thing about people being manipulative, see I always just assume Im being outplayed. But I try to engage with people honestly and with a level of “hey, I actually want to get to know you and form up a team. No one wins alone.” But again, every single time its the same games. But when I look at it as “oh they’re desperate and afraid” just hits a little differently.

    Don’t get it twisted. I suck in a lot of ways. Theres a lot about me that Im certain makes me hard to live with. But Im having a rare lucid moment where I don’t just reflexively think of myself as lesser than others. That I too deserve dignity. Thats the last point. My whole life I have felt like I dont deserve it. Or that I must constantly earn it. Earn my place in my friendships, intimate relationships, etc. Its misery. Its truly miserable living without that internal automatic sense of inner dignity, the kind you direct inwards. Its so foreign. But I have to learn it. Some days I wonder if it’s even possible.

    All this to say thank you for posting your perspective and the wisdom that comes from it. Im very glad this showed up on my feed.

  12. I learned how to read the room and peoples feelings young. If both my parents were home, you needed to be prepared to defuse a situation. It was stressful as a kid, but in my head it was either do that or they get divorced. In my little kid brain divorce was the worst thing that could happen to us.

    As an adult, I know they should have just divorced and life would have been a lot better for everyone. But to this day I am really good at getting people onside, influencing people’s decisions, manipulating situations, and stopping others from escalating.

  13. “You learn fast or you get eaten alive socially.” 

    I learnt this from early age that it assisted in my perception of others and their intentions long before we’re close. So much so that even in the **dialect** one speaks rings my internal alarm system that helps me decide if they’re truly a friend or simply dead weight wishing to be an energy siphon.

  15. Excellent observations! Fully agree on each point.

    The boundaries vs kindness took me a long time to learn. I’m a bleeding heart and would get used all the time. Once I learned to have firm boundaries the way people treated me changed drastically for the better

  16. I learned about the kindness way too late in life, now i stick to my boundaries and have lost friends. But were they really friends to begin with? It’s not easy being a former people pleaser

  18. I learned social skills with surgical oncologists. I’m pretty aggressive as a result, I am direct, and I tell the truth as best I know and understand it and I admit when I don’t know.

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