I (28F) am currently in a struggling relationship with my boyfriend (29M). we've been together for a few years. We moved too fast at the beginning but it got better as time went on. I gained new interests, new friends, new hobbies. somehow, i made my entire life about him. he was my first real relationship and first love. we did everything together and were glued to each other. my family didnt like him from the start which was hard to deal with but I got over it because I loved him.
we had so many good times, fun adventures, great experiences, and lots of love, or what I once thought was love. I was always willing to do anything for him, and I thought the same of him.
The longer that we were together, the more that the rose colored glasses came off. I started seeing more about him that I hadn't noticed before, like everything being tailored for him, that I was bending over backwards to make him happy and to avoid conflict without even realizing it.
Over the past year or so, I've grown to resent him, from his lack of manners to his complete disregard of the constructive criticism I give him about how he acts towards me, to his never being able to change as he would promise he would, to the fact that i would bottle things up and constantly hold my tongue just to avoid arguments. we have good days and bad days. as the resentment grew, the more I wasn't sure that love alone could keep us together. I vented with my closest friends about what was going on, and once I started, they all said that from the outside, they could always see that the way he was acting but didnt feel comfortable enough to say anything. they all told me that I am clearly not happy in the relationship, they pointed out everything that I had finally noticed and more. Basically everyone in my life has told me that he isn't the one for me, that I deserve better, that he doesn't treat me the way he should.
I eventually made the decision to move out but we still kept in touch afterwards because neither of us could fully let go. I have considered restarting the relationship, but i don't know if thats the best for me. he said that he was willing to change, but I don't know if I can trust it anymore.
I definetly realize that it is a toxic relationship, maybe even somewhat abusive (not physically, just emotionally). the problem is, he has become such a large part of my life that I don't know what to do without him in it. He is my comfort zone, and I don't know how to function without that safety blanket. he supported me when it counted, but I don't know if that is enough to look past everything that happened in the past. leaving was such a hard decision and I don't think I have the strength to stay away. I am so tempted to just go back to the way things were because its what im used to. I don't know who I am without him and im scared to find that im not anything special if I leave him completely. im terrified of being alone, and losing possibly the only person that loved me for who I am.
I've been told that I shouldn't settle, that I haven't experienced enough relationships or other people to know if im ready to be with this one forever. I agree but also, I don't know if im ready to let it go. I dream about being strong, sticking it out, and finding someone else who loves me for me, deals with my issues, and does whatever he can to make me happy. I feel so guilty thinking like this, but I can't help it.
I was simultaneously so happy and so miserable in this relationship. another issue is that I am easily influenced, I have no backbone whatsoever, im a people pleaser. I want to make everyone happy, even if that means I suffer in the process.
I've been sending mixed signals and I hate that I do that. I don't want to hurt him more than I already have, but I don't think I can let him go completely. I feel like im in a lose-lose situation. ill either lose someone that had become so important to me, or ill lose myself in the process.
Im scared that if I go back, ill just end up wasting more of my life with him just to end up alone later on. Or ill end up happy and we'll have a good life together. I just don't know if I can take that chance.
So, do I go back and try to fix it, or do I stick it out and hope for the best in the future? do I listen to what everyone around me is saying and leave him completely, or do I try to look past everything that happened, and try to be happy with him again?
Edit: he has always been supportive of everything that I've done, hes helped me through dark times, when I was struggling emotionally or mentally. Hes supported my career choices even though it put us through hard financial times. We have similar interests, and I love talking about those interests together. Im afraid of losing that.