TLDR : My wife and I have been married for 25 years. She doesn’t have the time or energy for us right now.
I am going to start by apologizing for this long post. I just don’t have anyone else to talk to about this other than my wife. I made a rule for myself early in my marriage. Don’t talk negatively to friends about your spouse. Your friends will always be biased, pile on, and just make things worse. My wife and I have great communication. Everything I am saying here I have said to her.
I always try to find a card that really fits our relationship. It often takes multiple stores and 25-50 cards before I find one that at least is somewhat appropriate. This year sucked. After three stores I wanted to start ripping the cards in half.
The past two years of our marriage have been the most difficult we have faced. She got her dream job an hour drive each way, her mother passed, and she has been dealing with women’s health issues that, due to lack of investment in women’s health research, are treated using trial and error (primarily error in her case). The exhaustion from her health issues combined with stress, and work pressure means no energy left for us and there is no sex. I could survive without the sex but the lack of any affection is taking its toll. She knows we need therapy but just doesn’t have the time or energy right now (understandably). Unless she gave up her dream job it just wouldn’t be realistic. I won’t let that happen she is so smart and talented and this is the first time someone has truly seen how valuable she is. We do have a plan. We are simplifying our lives. Moving from our rural home to a house 5 minutes from work. Getting rid of side gigs, and hiring a house cleaner once we move. We are also going to continue to try treatments for her health issues. We already bought the house but had to rent it out until our day finished her senior year in May. By the time the renovations are done I am looking at 12 months of feeling like I am right now.
Has anyone been in a similar situation that can offer advice? She knows how much I am struggling. I have said it is bad enough that I would eventually want a divorce but that we would get to the other side of this and go to therapy before I would do something that drastic.
Edit : I wrote my own card.
“These past two years have been such a challenge. You know I have been struggling. The hardest emotion to deal with is fear. Fear of losing such an amazing woman. You are loyal, honest, smart, talented, and when I look at you I am filled with a lust so intense I physically ache to touch you. The best way I have found to deal with fear is to look at the reality of our love. Not the reality of this moment, but rather the reality of “us”. If you love me even half and much as I love you…. If your desire for growing old together is half what mine is, our love will live on beyond the days we have left on earth. I don’t say this to diminish your love for me or your desire for our future, but to let you know that my love for you is so deep that even by itself it is almost enough.”
Edit 2 : thanks for the advice before I write in pen on my new card I want to get some opinions on my revision. I focused too much on me. The thing I miss most is out emotional intimacy is what I miss most. I didn’t intend for my mention of lust to make it seem like that was my primary concern mostly wanted her to know that even 25 later she is my definition of what sexy is. The thing I disliked the most was the way my wording seemed to dismiss her love and commitment. Well here it is let me know what you think.
“As you know these past two years have been a challenging as a couple. On top of that you have been fighting a frustrating battle of trial and error with your health. I can’t begin to imagine your frustration. You are the most amazing woman. Your honesty, loyalty, intelligence, and talent, combined with you being my definition of beautiful makes my heart skip a beat every time you walk in a room. What gets me through the fear of us growing apart is remembering the reality of “us”. Not the reality of this moment, but the reality of our love. I know that you love me every bit as much as I love you. When we get to the other side of this, even if everything is not solves we will be okay. The things we have overcome have always led to something stronger on the other side. You mentioned reading an article that said every relationship goes through seasons, and even though this one is difficult I don’t just want to us endure it. I want us to enjoy it. There is still joy. Enjoy our dinners out, seeing a play together, because even though this season is difficult it is still a season i get to spend with you.”
49 comments
Why not write your own message in a card?
Ok so you already know this has nothing to do with the cards.
Your last paragraph asks a question that the body of your post sort of answers – you know what you need to do and you’ve put a plan in place to do it. I will say that you shouldn’t have made property choices that mean you cant move into said property for a year but that horse has bolted (actually I just re read that part – are you saying the house will be ready in May?)
>I could survive without the sex but the lack of any affection
Also I’m wondering what you mean by “affection” here
every relationship encounters difficulties at some point. so long as both people still want to make the relationship work, and are willing to put the work in, they can be overcome. i get it, mysterious health shit that doctors can’t figure out is hard, but this is what “in sickness and in health” means, right. that even when shit is hard, you’re still trying to do right by each other and work together to overcome the challenges you’re facing.
if the valentine cards upset you so much, you can do something other than cards, or make a card yourself.
I’ve been with my boyfriend 5 years and have valentines cards ever been relevant?
If you have time for individual counseling that would probably be a good idea. But that you’re running between brick and mortar stores to find the perfect card when you could order just about anything online and do your search from the comfort of your own home is perplexing. Make sure you’re not making a martyr of yourself on this V-Day card thing by making the search for it as difficult as possible. Sometimes when we’re miserable we’ll go out of way to prove to ourselves how truly put upon we are. So find small ways to make your daily existence more bearable.
Write your own card. Who cares about some boilerplate message anyway?
As for main question I am kinda puzzled. You sorta understand how much she is going through. And at same moment you not getting why she has no energy left for affection?
After 2 hour drive , grieving and being sick I am surprised she is able to move or talk. I would go straight to sleep
What do you mean by lack of affection?
hey man that card you wrote is awful. it is not a valentine’s card. you spend 80% of it talking about your fears and how much you miss sex. if this is in line with past cards you have given her, ignore me. but think about what you want her to take away from your message. is it really important to rehash how awful things are? or is it important to celebrate your partnership and bond in the face of adversity?
Patience is key. You seem to have immense love and care for your wife. Understanding more than most husbands would.
As a 59F who is married – these female issues that are under researched takes a huge toll on us women. Men get viagra! Oh look .. testosterone powders, pills, etc. Balding head? Bosley to the rescue! Hair implants, minoxidil, Rogaine.
Women can’t take the same strength meds for hair loss – we have a long hormonal decline with perimenopause, menopause and post menopause. Nobody cares as we just basically have to suck it up and act normal anyway.
I digress.. you have got to hang in there. Women really don’t have the medical backing men do. If it were happening to a man – you betcha there would be relief and help by now.
How about composing a heartfelt letter or small poem. Doesn’t have to rhyme. You could make light hearted by including a line about the crappy hallmark or dayspring cards. It’s the sentiment you want to convey.. I’m sure it would mean more to her than any store bought mush.
Again – be patient. Help her anyway you can. Get her through this hurdle. She’s likely struggling with some depression which a doctor could help with some mild anti depressants. Losing a mother is so hard.. I lost mine 5.5 years ago.
Your wife will want to get back to before with you.. but you can’t push it. Keep communicating openly with her. Be gently honest when you say you miss her .. (intimately). Let her know you look forward to a day she has her energy and happiness back.
If you are religious .. pray for her and pray to God about it.
I hope you continue being her cheerleader – she needs you now more than ever. You sound like a wonderful husband and I’m sure she knows what she has in you. I know this is tough for you now – you need her touch, affection too. Tell her you love her and tell her you hope she will desire being the wife you’ve always known until this hiccup in recent years.
Is this post a complaint about how commercial Valentine’s Day cards don’t address your specific current struggles?
Mate, you’ve got an *awful* lot on your plate by the sound of it, I don’t think a valentine’s card should be featuring highly on your list of priorities.
I read the letter you wrote and think it’s rather negative. You’re meant to show an appreciation for your wife on valentine’s day
In a long marriage these things happen. They get better, and her affection is there, just not finding ways and means to show up. Also, it is a cliché that men want sex in order to enable talking and women want talking in order to enable sex. Work on talking.
Normally I would say you should always write you own card, in this case I think you should set your card on fire, then talk about your serious issues with your wife at a later date
Hmmmm I can see what you’re trying to say but that card feels passive aggressive and a bit like dry begging.
Your plan sounds like all of the right things but the results, as you say, are far off.
You recognize your wife’s issues and struggles and you seem to understand but do you empathize? Are you truly able to step out of how it impacts you so that you can support her from a place of love and not out of need? What can you do for her right now that may result in her re-joining the intimate parts of your relationship without it feeling like another obligation for her.
As a woman in her age demographic I am overwhelmed by having to manage everyone’s needs. Our kids, aging parents, a demanding career – even our pets suffocate me. My partner lightens my load and takes things off my plate and then nothing is sexier. Suddenly I’m so aroused and into it. It isn’t perfect and I have to do my own work of course but knowing he sees me and is there to step in when needed helps so much.
you sound selfish. try something like we can get through anything together, I will love you and be here for you for forever
I don’t really know what to say. I’m sorry this is happening to the both of you. Her illness and struggles and your struggles. I really hope you both get thru it.
I’ve been married 18 years this January. Not far off in age. We have one daughter, during the pregnancy my wife had a horrible time. Not just standard horrible, like truly bad enough we will only ever have the one child. My wife developed a kidney disease from the strain of the pregnancy. She also had PPD *very bad*, mostly because of how terrible the pregnancy was and the disease she developed. It was a really rough time, it lasted I’d say 4 years. Therapy was what eventually helped, coupled with medication and life changes.
Sounds like you’re on track for the same changes and help. I just wanted to share a small insight from a sorta similar situation. My love for her is similar to your love for your wife.
That woman is my fucking world, without her and my daughter I really truly have zero reason to be on this earth. My wife and I get along to the point it’s like we’ve done this thousands of times. If there’s truly a way I *will* find her in the next life. We got thru that patch and it was terrible, but we got through it. I hope the same happens for ya’ll.
Your own card was a good idea, shows more thought and love. I do it every other year myself. The message itself I can’t really comment on because it’s actual meanings likely only known by you and your wife.
Stay strong friend.
So you’re gonna use your valentines card to be passive aggressive
Very mature
“It is ALMOST enough”
Goddamn this whole message would make me feel horrible. What the hell?
To me this seems like a thinly veiled threat. “You better get your vaginal issues worked out or I’m probably done with you.”
Good luck with saving your marriage.
Valentines Day is not the time to cram all the frustrations and struggles and fears you have into a Hallmark card. Those subjects are for couples therapy, so your wife has an equal opportunity to participate in the discussion in a neutral environment.
Do you really expect her to just read, “My dearest beloved, I don’t know how I can live without you…
But if shit doesn’t improve by this time next year, I sure as hell am going to try” and not be really hurt and pissed off and probably hate your guts for dropping that bomb on her on the one day when you two should try to appreciate each other?
So her mom died, she has a demanding job, and she is struggling with health issues but you are somehow also the victim in this because no sex and affection for two years.
Ok
Oh my god please don’t give her that card. How self centered can you be? Valentine’s Day is about celebrating love, not making someone feel bad that things are rough and you want something your partner can’t give you. Please just get a blank card and write like, “I love you no matter what, and the challenges we face together just makes me love and appreciate you more. You’re beautiful inside and out and there is no one else I would rather share my life with.”
Reminding her how hard things are and how you want what she can’t give you right now is not the way…bro…omg.
Your wife definitely deserves better than someone who says they aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. And caring for other things like sex is awful and pathetic when your wife is going through hard time. You’re just selfish bastard. Like the other comment said you want her to prove herself everytime so you won’t divorce her? Why did you marry her if you wanted to vent about how ur not getting sex after she went through something hard?? You should be supporting her, partners are supposed to do that!!
I cannot imagine any wife anywhere being thrilled to receive that message. Unless you’re trying to tank your marriage don’t give that to her. It’s actually awful.
That’s an awful card. Save that for another day and make a new one that shows some kind of romance. It’s like you’re using V-Day as an excuse to vent to her about you. Dont piss me off OP.
That card is so self centered and gross and honestly whiny. Do not give her that.
If sex is really what you want – a divorce isn’t gonna help man. The dating scene is absolutely awful right now.
Seriously, if you think trying to get your wife to be affectionate with you is hard, try starting COMPLETELY OVER with a stranger.
My suggestion? Wait it out. Go to therapy. Anything else but divorce. The grass is greener where you water it.
How long has it been since you had sex?
I hope your wife doesn’t see this. You kinda made what you wrote to her less intimate and meaningful by sharing with the internet before her.
You seem VERY self centered. You wrote a whole “woe is me” card because she is INCAPABLE of having sex with you? What is wrong with you?
I’m very confused. In one breath you’re saying all the things she’s going through and you understand why it’s hard and how amazing she is, but also you’re considering divorce? So are you understanding of her struggles and trying to hold on because you think she’s hangs the moon and you have a plan or are you done and want a divorce? You say you’d do other things before that but also say “eventually” as if it’s a destined outcome. A lot of people would say even considering it means it’s over.
It’s a stressful situation and you’re both struggling which is causing some drift. That’s valid. Having confusing feelings is also valid it’s just about how you’re reacting. It seems like you really love her and want to make this work. But then it also feels like you’ve given up. That message isn’t gonna do you any favors though.
You two need to take at least 15 minutes a day, no phones, no distractions, and just exist in each other’s space. Talk, or don’t. Just carve out a little corner of the day, every day, to make time for each other.
My husband and I were on opposite work schedules from each other for years. It felt like the only time we saw each other was as we passed each other out the door. We had fights, but they weren’t like, angry fights. It was just a build up of resentment and the root of it was we missed connection. We missed each other.
Now, we set 3 alarms every morning, the first one is to wake up and roll over. We cuddle through the second, and the third alarm is the “get out of bed and go to work” alarm. Just having those few extra moments in the morning to hold onto each other and cuddle has helped immensely with the feelings of loneliness we both feel at not having enough day in our day to be together.
I hope you two can figure out a way to engage more, it sounds like you love each other, you’re just experiencing a real time management/energy level problem. I don’t think the problem exists between you, I think it lies in front of you and side-by-side together is the best way to solve it.
So she’s super overworked and exhausted but you got time to waste at three stores searching for something someone else, some company wrote. Just to come up with that miserable drivel. I would light that card on fire.
You seem like if the only socks available to you one day were mismatched – one is a different material and a little thicker than the other – it would ruin your entire day, everyone else’s day, and you’d talk about it for a week.
I hope you burn that card tonight. If you give that to her, tape a lighter inside.
> I always try to find a card that really fits our relationship. It often takes multiple stores and 25-50 cards before I find one that at least is somewhat appropriate.
THis is so fucking stupid. Just write her a note, not a shitty card.
> She got her dream job
OMG, how did you face this difficulty.
YTA.
It’s Valentine’s Day. The message you wrote isn’t a Valentine’s Day message, it’s a ‘we need a serious talk’ message. You should scrap it and just give her a card that tells her you really love her.
The current message comes across as passive aggressive, and ruins what’s supposed to be a nice, loving gesture. Have the conversation, but start it in a different way (not via a card, and not on Valentine’s Day).
There’s been a lot of criticism of your card, and I would like to propose an edited version. These are all your exact words, but with some things removed and rearranged.
“My love for you is so deep. You are such an amazing woman. You are loyal, honest, smart, talented, and when I look at you I am filled with a lust so intense I physically ache to touch you. Our love will live on beyond the days we have left on earth.”
I’m neurodivergent myself so I understand you mean well. I think a Valentine’s Day card is a place to focus solely on your love. Your wife already knows the last 2 years have been a challenge, this is a good way to reassure her that your love hasn’t diminished because of those challenges. Leave the talk of fear and challenges for a different day.
I fear you’ve lost the plot of getting a card and valentine’s day. Cards aren’t meant to be 100% specific or brutally honest. All you needed was a card that says “Happy Valentine’s Day. I love you so much.” And then put your name. What you wrote reminds me of this one awful card I saw once that literally said “I still like you.” And wasn’t meant to be humorous. Just like they’re aren’t fathers day/mother’s day cards telling a parent what a shitty job they did. If nothing fits then forego the card.
I don’t like cards bc they’re so expensive and I don’t want to keep them. For $8, I’d rather the money be invested in anything else like a small box of chocolates.
Everyone else covered the card message, I’ll just throw in that I hope she’s on topical vaginal estrogen if the changes you’re alluding to include vaginal pain, tearing, scraping, dryness, and lowered orgasmic response. It’s lifechanging for perimenopausal women and very localized, so easier to get from your GP than systemic HRT (though some people do well to pursue systemic HRT also).
Glad my husband and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. This sounds exhausting.
Dude listen, as a wife dealing with women’s issues and autoimmune issues that causes exhaustion and also makes sex and intimacy difficult. I just want to ask you, has it occurred to you that this HEALTH issue that is interfering with your intimate Iife bothers her MORE than it bothers you? Her body is betraying her and letting her down and it sucks that you are piling on. I understand you told her how you are feeling, but have you asked her how she is feeling? Have you considered therapy?
Jesus Christ. Get help OP this is truly unhinged behaviour
Is she going through peri menopause?
Wrote her an actually romantic message in a new card and then step the fuck up. Take care of her and take as much off her plate as you possibly can and then some more, in closing as much in the ay of chores as you can. Advocate for her at the doctors because a lot of them don’t take women seriously. And stop worrying about sex. Your dick doesn’t matter.
I hate the line you wrote about how you are struggling. Delete that. You’ve *both* been struggling. And she’s grieving, as well and she has health problems. I can feel you love her but what you wrote would make me feel you love sex more. That with everything going on, that’s all you can think about. And that’s ok if that’s true but don’t let on to her.
You sound like you’d really benefit from some therapy just for yourself. You’re going through a rough time and deserve someone professional so you have a safe and constructive place to talk about all of this. No need to wait.
I was like your wife until recently. For a long time. My world shattered I lost my mother as well. I lost my job over traumatic experience at work and unfair treatment. But my biggest supporter -my husband talked to me, he didn’t demand sex, attention and care. Instead, he was my assuring me every day that I was beautiful, although I wasn’t the woman he had married. I see in the pictures how stress made me uglier. Etc. I have recovered thanks to him. I started having desire to live again.
She needs to know that she’s not alone. And not sense of guilt
I think he’s given his wife the ick…
You sound a lot like my (now ex) husband. Also neurodivergent, but so am I. You aren’t going to survive her going through perimenopause (which she is very likely already in) if you can’t deal with this. And THAT takes sex drive away, sensation away, lubrication away…it can make sex awful until the hormones work out.
Emotional regulation is hard for us NDs. You are struggling with it now. Just remember that this isn’t about you, you aren’t a victim here. YOU decide how you react. A temporary lack of intimacy (sexual or non) isn’t going to unravel a 25 year marriage, and I promise, you won’t die from it. Put on your big boy pants and stick it out. You don’t want to be out here in the dating world, and especially not if you love her half as much as you say you do.