Hello everyone,
Not really sure what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this post. Perhaps a place to vent, a place to journal or perhaps to seek advise? For the past year, I have really been struggling with pain, grief, anxiety, trust issues, vigilance, and lowered self-esteem and worth. It comes and goes in waves. But lately, it has been terribly worse. Perhaps I deserve it for what transpired. Sorry if it's long. I'm just going to word vomit stuff out.
It started when I met my partner in beginning of last year. Everything was amazing. Three dates in, I realized I wanted a serious relationship with her and so, I asked if she was seeing anyone else and if she wanted, I'd love to be exclusive with her. She agreed. I guess that was my first mistake because perhaps three dates in was too fast and premature. Second, the circumstances in which it was asked was not ideal and I recognize was from a position of vulnerability from her side, it was post-intimacy. Both reasons she points out whenever we have a conversation regarding my feelings. I deeply regret this and have apologized for it. Anyways, I was elated.
I continue to plan meaningful dates and am consistent with my intentions and effort. We learn more about each other, become more physically and emotionally intimate. Become more involved with each others personal lives. It wasn't until Valentines week that I noticed things that made me suspicious, we would spend time together and she gets a text from an unsaved number asking "want to have valentines dinner?" She's on her phone a lot (work & business) when we're together, and I just so happened to glance at the notification previews as they came. My heart sank and I thought not again (I've been cheated on before), but then I thought "nah, she wouldn't. She agreed to be exclusive". So I gave her the benefit of the doubt and carried on. But a part of me was screaming to trust my gut. The more I think about it, the more my mind says that perhaps she's not being forthcoming and honest about things.
It's been a week and it eats at me. I kept thinking about it. Then I do the most stupidest thing possible that I am not proud of and I deeply regret it. I went back on the apps and met someone else. I went on one date with this person but I felt guilty and terrible the whole time, so I didn't want to pursue anything further. But guess what? Of course Karma came back with a vengeance and she found out subsequently because I also matched with her colleague who of course told her. And I was posted on are we dating the same guy.
It was rough and emotional but we had a difficult conversation regarding this. Ultimately, she forgave me and gave me a second chance. We stayed together. She even gave me the go ahead to date other people to get it out of my system, but I declined. I will forever be sorry and deeply regret it for the rest of my life. Next few days I try to make amends and repair things. I even told her that if she wanted to date other people too then by all means go ahead, but please communicate with me. She denies the need to and reaffirms that we're exclusive and that she's NOT dating anybody else.
But one night as we were sitting together, she was on her phone again, she gets another text from the unsaved number. A photo of the other guy on vacation, telling her he missed her and wished she was there with him, she replies "me too", and flirting "where is my kiss?" Of course she sends a kiss face emoji. My heart sinks. I try not to let it get to me for the rest of the night but I felt heartbroken. The next morning, I decide that it was probably best we end things because of all the things that have happened. So, I leave her place and text her good bye and wish her luck with this other guy. But of course, she lies and convinces me to stay. She says that it was an "old date that won't stop texting her". And that she promised she would text him to "end things" indefinitely and to stop communicating with her. Of course I'm naive and I believe her.
March goes by slowly and things are improving between us again. We go on more dates, spend more time with each other, etc. But here and there I would see messages like "I'll be down in the south near you" or "I am free this weekend. Want to grab coffee?" Part of me knew, but I chose to ignore them and believe her because it wouldn't continue to happen, right?…
Well, of course one day as she was getting ready for our date, my suspicions got the best of me and I unfortunately snooped in her phone. Another one of the things I deeply regret doing and apologized for because I violated her privacy. But at the time, my gut was just screaming that something was not right.
Well, my suspicions were right. Not only did I find what I feared, but there were two additional guys she had been seeing and dating in the span of three months that we've been dating…. every time we were together and on a date, she would text him when I'm not looking…not only that, but apparently the main guy has been very low effort and doesn't even try. Yet she keeps going back and ending up in his bed! Then she wonders why every date feels like a sexual transaction, telling him that he should put more effort, and wonders if he even likes her.
Additionally, I had found convos of her and some girls I dated in the past talking negatively of me. Gaining sympathy that we were exclusive and how I could do that to her…. but it seemed like we weren't?
I am shattered… we go on our date, and she can feel that something is off as I was silent the whole drive to the restaurant. She ask me what's the matter. I ask her if she's still seeing that guy. She denies of course. I press further, and she says that she called him last Wednesday to end things. But of course her texts says otherwise…they were on a date and went back to his place. I don't know what to do….we finish our date and end up back at her place.
The next morning, I confess I know everything and apologized that I snooped on her phone. I am a ball of a mess. Bawling my eyes out and crying. I ask her to come clean and she does but she trickle truths me. I leave to get some space for the rest of the day and to think, but I ended up back at her place that evening…. even throughout the day they had been texting each other telling each other they're "sad" continuing to emotionally lean on him. Part of me wishes I had more self-respect and ended things and walked away then and there…but guess what??! I stayed…we became official beginning of April….what a fool, right?
Funny thing is, she claimed she said she loved me two weeks prior to me finding out…aaaahhh
I tried to keep it together and move on. Next two months were rough. I would get emotional and ask to talk about it at times but she would get angry and defensive, trying to justify her behaviour and the things that happened. She tells me I took her choice away of telling me instead of finding out by snooping on her phone…but what about my choice? How do I know she would have told me? She probably only regrets it because I find out…otherwise I feel that it would have gone on. Everytime, she minimizes and dismisses what she's done and her behaviours, and turns it back on what I did. She says, that it wasn't right of me to have asked for exclusivity so soon and in those circumstances. That her friends date multiple people, and that's the only way to find the best fit for her. That she was trying to get out of those dates while I was trying to get into others. Lying that the last two weeks leading up to me finding out, she was trying to end things, that nothing happened that they only went for dinner and didnt sleep with him, that if I had looked at the texts then I would know that it was mostly him reaching out and her reacting out of politeness, etc. Excuses, lies, and half-truths.
Week or two after, she tells me to essentially move on and forget it. Otherwise, we could never be together as she doesn't want to be in a never ending cycle of rehashing the past. But it's not that easy, right? Doesn't help that this guy is still continuing to text her. I finally ask her to block him after a few weeks. She does. But then one night I catch her looking at his blocked texts. I ask her why? And if she regrets ending things with him…She gets defensive and upset so I let it go…
Time passes after a month and I feel okay….we were out and she gets a message from guess who? Same guy with a different number…. emotions resurface and I mistakenly accuse her "how long?" Because I don't know what to think….
Anyways, weeks and months go by…..like I said..it comes and goes in waves. I get sad, become insecure and we have a fight about what's wrong and everytime, I try to explain what I'm feeling and that I feel stuck because of our history, and of course she minimizes and dismisses what she's done and turns it back on what I did. I feel terrible of course.
Well, it's been a year now and I've forgiven her a while ago and have moved on….but what I'm having trouble is forgetting the events, what she's done, what I've done and what I turned myself into, going against my own values and beliefs, and well…the lingering feelings. My self-worth and esteem are not what it used to be…. I feel like trash….I keep thinking, that she settled for me. That I was the backup. That what did the other guys have that I don't? Because clearly all it takes from him was to ask her to come to his apartment and she would go willingly. That I made so much effort but it wasn't enough. Also to put my sexual health at risk.
I just….I don't know….I'm lost. I wish I had the self-respect to walk away back then. I know I'm not innocent in all this and that the things I did were equally as damaging. I just…I don't know. I deserve it I guess.