TL;DR: accidentally got blackout drunk (mixed alcohol with antidepressants) and made my fwb uncomfortable, sent him an apology and gave him space. He told me I've upset him and that I've shattered his trust in me.
Hi everyone, I want to make a post because I'm really anxious about losing a friendship.
I (F23) really hurt one of my close friends recently (M31). We've had a friends with benefits situation in the past and rekindled it last month. I accidentally fell for him during our first friend with benefits arrangement, I got quite depressed last year over it. I told him this time I was going to respect his boundaries as he just wants to be friends and I agreed, I'm fine with that. We have exchanged nudes over the last month and engaged in sexual conversations.
Just over a couple of weeks ago, I was drinking at home with family members because it was a relatives birthday. I will admit, I had quite a lot to drink. Me and my friend were having a little misunderstanding and I got a bit emotional so he called me up, I was upset on the phone and tried to rectify the situation. He understood and forgave me, he also told me to stop drinking overall because of my mental health and for how it amplifies my emotions. I agreed and we ended our call, I stupidly decided to finish my drink that was left and I ended up blacking out. I'm on very strong antidepressants and mixing this with the alcohol likely caused it as this has only ever happened to me once before.
I don't really remember much from that moment on, apparently I briefly rang him up drunk. I was told that I was being flirtatious over the phone, I had sent him nudes and that I'd made him really uncomfortable. The next day, he sent me a text saying he wasn't talking to me after I called him up and made him uncomfortable. I didn't ask what I'd said. I just tried to write a genuine apology:
"I don’t remember everything I said or did, but I understand the impact it had on you, and I’m truly sorry for that.
I know I shouldn’t have finished my drink after our initial call. I made a poor decision, and combined with the medication I’m on, it led to me blacking out. That’s never happened to me before, and I’ve felt mortified about contacting you in that state. I’ve made the decision to stop drinking completely, like we discussed, for my overall wellbeing and out of respect for the people around me.
Again, I’m genuinely sorry for putting you in that position. I will make sure I never repeat that behaviour. I do truly care about our friendship, and I want to take responsibility for how I’ve acted. I completely understand if you need space, and I will respect your boundaries. I hope that, in time, I can repair the trust I’ve damaged through my actions."
I gave him space for nearly three weeks and sent him a message last night saying "I'm really sorry for making you uncomfortable. I miss talking to you", I deleted it a couple of hours later out of anxiety because I was worried about annoying him.
He replied this morning with:
"You really fucking upset me and have shattered my trust in you. You keep messaging and then deleting stuff again which you promised you wouldn't do."
So I replied with:
"I understand, and I really am sorry for upsetting you and breaking your trust. You’re right — I shouldn’t have deleted my message. I did it out of anxiety, but I know that doesn’t make it okay, it's a bad habit I need to break.
I really do care about you and our friendship, and I genuinely want to make things right and rebuild the trust between us. I know it won’t happen overnight. I truly regret what I did and the hurt I caused you. I’m aware that I need to work on myself, and I’m taking steps to do that.
I would really like to talk things through if you feel open to it."
I know what I did was really stupid and hurtful to him, I've been feeling so awful about it. I've acknowledged my faults and I'm really committed to working on myself so I don't hurt myself or my relationships. Reading his message this morning after not speaking to him in so long actually made my chest hurt. I've been ruminating about the situation non stop and I've been so worried about losing him. I never wanted to upset him but I know have. I desperately want to try and rebuild the trust between us but I'm so frightened. The day after it all happened, I referred myself to a private therapist and I haven't touched alcohol since. I don't plan to either. I don't really know what to do, I just feel so overcome with anxiety and I'm so angry at myself for being so reckless.