Hello Reddit! I F21 have been with my boyfriend, Sam (fake name), M23 for almost a year. I love him very much (even from our high school days lol) and I wish to spend the rest of my life with him. My boyfriend is amazing and all, hardworking, patient and respectful but he does one thing that bothers me to insanity. He still talks with his exes… And I hate that. Now, I trust him completely but I don't trust his exes.
Ex number 1, Suzy (fake name), Suzy and my boyfriend got in a relationship while we were still in high school (they had a huge age gap though, with her being quite older than him). Their relationship was toxic, in the first few weeks, Sam was already drifting away from everyone. I tried to help him but he rejected all of my attempts. At some point, he gave Suzy access to everything and she saw our messages, where I was trying to help him, and she started sending me threats and making up rumours about me online. A couple of days later, Sam wanted to end our friendship bc Suzy felt threatened by me and she didn't like me. I didn't fight for a place in his life. He had made it clear from the start he didn't want any help and despite my negative relationship with Suzy, I wanted to respect her boundaries and peace of mind (I thought maybe this could get her to like me a little even if we only saw each other briefly around town). I understood that many girls didn't like their boyfriend having a girl best friend. I only told him to tell her to leave me alone and delete her passive-aggressive posts about me. The threats stopped but she didn't delete the posts but I didn't care because the rumours were already fading away anyway. Sam didn't talk to me or our friends again for the rest of high school. They broke up a year into the relationship.
Ex number 2, Jenny (fake name), I wasn't around while they were dating but from what he told me, their relationship was also problematic. She was from a different state so they didn't meet often cus they were both busy with university. They broke up and got back together a few times until they broke up for good the Easter of the year I met Sam again.
Me and Sam met again, in our hometown, during Christmas. We made up over a few drinks and he apologised for everything and I accepted his apology, I don't think it was his fault. A month later, we started flirting and eventually got in a long distance relationship since we were both in different states (I was in university and he was staying with his parents while he was looking for a job and a place of his own). Now, I knew from the start he still talked to his exes but I never thought it'd affect me so much, I always thought I was a chill girlfriend because that's also how I was in my previous relationships.
One day we get into a fight, he tells me Suzy texted him and sends me a screenshot (in the screenshot I saw that he hadn't been replying to her messages even since we got together). Out of curiosity, I asked why he doesn't block any of his exes (cus I block my exes as soon as we're done and I had also blocked every person that I had ever even had the slightest flirt with and I wasn't accepting any friend requests on any social media from guys after we got together, for his peace of mind). He said that's just not how he does things and maybe bc I was already a little moody, I pushed further and reminded him the kind of person she was. He snaps back and says she's just mentally ill and he feels bad for her and if something were to happen he'd feel guilty. I told him if she does something, that's on her and that he owes her nothing after all that happened. He called me heartless and I told him that history repeats itself once more and once again he becomes her lap dog and chooses her over me, even though I'm his girlfriend this time. I was angry, I couldn't understand how he so easily chose her over everyone he knew back then but now he couldn't choose me over his abusive ex. I was sick for a few days after that bc of how much I was overthinking.
Jenny texts him more often since after graduating she went on a second university somewhere in Europe to study the same thing Sam had studied, so she asks him for his help often. Now idk much about Jenny, never met her, so I can't say that I have bad blood with her, but to me it's just weird… Talking with your exes, it's like leaving the front door open at night. Now, he told me Jenny texted him asking for his help with one of her projects before replying to her and then ending the conversation after talking to her about me. He told me he felt like she was jealous, cus usually she'd try and talk to him for the rest of the day but now she cut the conversation short. We got into another argument, where I again asked him to block both of them, he didn't and I just told him to at least make sure Jenny's jealousy doesn't become our problem.
Now it has been a few days since. He's back to normal but I feel sick from overthinking again. I don't wanna break up with him, I've never had such a connection before and I don't wanna lose that. So… If anyone has the same opinion as me about talking to exes, can you help me with explaining to him why it's bad? Because he never gets it when I explain it to him. His behaviour is embarrassing me and driving me nuts. I wouldn't have accepted this behaviour from anyone else but he's special to me, that's why I put up with the disrespect. Now, I also don't wanna give him an ultimatum because I don't wanna hurt his feelings. So, please help me, guys! :(((
TL;DR: My boyfriend is still in contact with his exes and I hate that and despite our many arguments about it, he refuses to understand my point of view and I don't know how to explain it to him in a way he'd understand.