Me and my gf have been together for two years, and I’ve known her for a total of 12 (been friends for the majority of it). We were out for breakfast with a bunch of friends, and we were waiting on one of my friends to show up. A guy walks in, my gf takes a look and asks me, “is that him?”, and I say no. She then looks at her friend, and says “too bad”, then giggles. Me, being a bit stunned, asks what she said, and she’s like oh nothing. The whole table just went silent. I didn’t want to escalate the situation, so I let the outing go on without any hiccups, and once we got in the car, I asked her why she made that comment, and that I felt disrespected. She said it was just a joke, and to let it go. We got into a huge argument which wasn’t going anywhere, so I just “got over it”. It’s been 2 months, and I can’t seem to let it go. Not that I ever bring it up, but it weighs on me. If she had teased me, I would’ve been over it, but it’s the fact that I felt like the butt of the joke which was what made me feel small infront of an audience, and honestly disrespected. And it’s also the fact that I would’ve never ever “joked” like that with her, whether it be infront of friends or not, cause for me, I respect and love her too much.
TLDR: gf made a comment I perceived as disrespect infront of friends. I don’t know whether my feelings are valid, or if I’m being too sensitive. Would appreciate some insight.
43 comments
Maybe she meant for her friend?
Honestly, I’d have just clapped back in the moment. You’re just torturing yourself over the fact that people find people attractive.
Something to the effect of ‘you’re welcome to go join him instead’
1. Is her friend single?
2. I think she was pointing out that the guy who walked in was attractive, she didn’t seem to put anyone else down
Was her friend single? Maybe she meant it as someone for her.
Are you sure she’s your soon-to-be fiance? You don’t seem ready for marriage.
If It stills bothers you this much AFTER 2 whole months, you might want to re-think this whole financé/wife thing.
People may call you insecure, but I’m with you and I’d be offended by that too. I’m married and I’m aware that my wife probably finds other men attractive, but I’d be pissed if she made a remark about another man being attractive in front of me. Just as well as I wouldn’t do it to her.
I’d talk to her about it, let her know that I was offended, and make sure that it doesn’t happen again. Don’t listen to anyone calling you insecure, you’re entitled to your boundaries.
I think its a little disrespectful to say aloud as well. Explain to her that you dont like those types of jokes so she knows your boundaries then move on. I think its important to respect each others boundaries in a relationship.
If you let this pass it’s an invitation for other similar comments to surface later and more frequently. I’d suggest you address this if it makes you uncomfortable. The longer you wait and the more you eat this up the harder it’ll fall on her once you don’t want to accept it anymore. If you address it right now, you’ll know if she respects your feeling towards such subject it might even reveal she made such comment thinking it’s ok because maybe you made a comment at another time and she let it slip. The bs you let go right now will become bigger and more frustrating once married.
Nah some things you don’t say outloud. Reverse the roles see how quickly you become a pig
The biggest concern here isn’t the joke but how a conversation about the joke triggers a big argument.There’s a lack of context on how this spiraled so it’s unclear which side escalated but the communication game is teamwork and the teamwork clearly failed. It’s a two way road.
Given you have been sitting with it for two months and it still bothers you, I highly suggest you focus on figuring out the problem with communication and being seen/heard before considering a finance advancement. You guys need more time in the oven and to really settle this before pressing forward.
It’s less this comment has ruined the relationship and more it seems to reveal a deeper problem you two have that is fundamental to long term healthy happy relationships.
Focus on the fundamentals. Not the details that cause the fundamentals to be challenged. It’s not just this thing. There will be others.
I’d dodge that bullet.
I dunno man, she never called you ugly.
She just saw a good looking man and hoped for her friend that it was her date.
Now we only know the context of your story trough text so maybe I’m missing something that is lost in translation but I wouldn’t let it brother me that much but that is me.
If after two months it still bugs you I would hold of with the propsel before you either give this a place and forget about it or maybe think about ending things. Don’t really see a way in the middle, you dont want this be a thing you can throw around after X years because that’s really not fair.
Maybe explain how you felt to you girlfriend because maybe it’s really not that big a deal for her and she doesn’t understand where the problem lies for you.
You’re overreacting. Talk to a therapist. I mean that seriously. She shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around you.
Wow some of the comments in this thread are pretty ignorant. I wouldn’t take advice or listen to them.
If you want my advice. Just have a calm conversation with her about it? It made you feel insecure that she’s commenting on attracted men in front of you. Its not something you like and you want your thoughts/feeling heard. She’ll apologies and then you can get some closure and move on.
It was disrespectful, but it also sounds like she was just trying to make a funny joke to her friend and wasn’t thinking about what it might mean to you at the time. It doesn’t mean she’s wishing you where him… sometimes it’s just a passing joke.
You’re okay to feel like this, but it’s not okay to hold resentment against her over time if you’re not expressing the reasons why to her. Communication is key. And in a marriage there will be more significant issues over time… this is a good chance to practice how you both deal with disagreements.
Good luck dude.
Try doing the same! The ole double standard! Disrespectful
“and that I felt disrespected. She said it was just a joke, and to let it go.”
This is the real problem here, imo. She dismissed your feelings. That’s way worse than some bullshit “oh he’s cute” comment. Your feelings are real and valid, OP. Your partner should take them seriously.
Everyone feelin’ “disrespected” these days over the stupidest stuff.
Yeah I do not like it when I’m with a woman and she makes a suggestive comment towards a different man. I mean I wouldn’t even think to do that to a woman in the opposite situation.
It makes you feel like you gotta have your guard up still or something. Then you keep thinking on it and wonder if she’s going to subtly keep poking or testing you like this to see what she can get away with.
Source of my stress on this: I dated a woman who made comments like this which later became more common and frequent until it just made me explode and I had to leave her. (Also think she started to lose respect for me and possibly cheated… not confirmed tho)
Honestly, it’s just disrespectful.
Moving forward, I would immediately respond in situations like this by saying something like “wow pretty disrespectful to make that kind of comment when you’re with me, right?” She can respond however she likes but you have to set a barrier that you won’t tolerate it and will leave her if it continues because you find it disrespectful.
Did the table go silent from what she said, or your reaction to it?
You said the table went silent. That makes me think they agree with you and they may know something you don’t.
I think you should address it that you’re trying to let it go but you’re simply not cool with her making comments like these in front of your friends and that it still bothers you.. there’s nothing wrong with that and your feelings are valid. If she’s reasonable, she should understand it and stop doing things like that.
One thing that rubs me the wrong way about it is that she didn’t apologise or at least recognised that you don’t like that. Because situations like these happened to me and my fiancée before and we talked about it, apologised and remembered it for the next time.
Communicate communicate communicate
Any girl I’ve ever been with would’ve gone nuclear over this at any age. I feel like this is the sort of thing that if you were to do it, you’re a piece of shit. If your girl does it to you, you need to get over it and stop being so insecure. Don’t you dare be an insecure man.
And I’m not surprised in the least that this got downvoted.
it’s just immature move by her, that’s all. you’re justified to feel put off by it, but unless it’s a pattern of behavior, try to forget about it and move on.
I would NOT bring it up again. There’s only downside to that conversation
Maybe I’m not understanding the situation
Guy walks in your GF asks if it’s him you say no then looks at her friend and says too bad and giggles.
I perceive it as your gf jokingly implying that it would’ve been great if the guy was your friend so that your GFs friend (not your GF) would have a “date” as (I assume) he was a good looking guy . I don’t think that joke was about you or your GF but more about the friend ?
If this is the case, it wouldn’t have bothered me the least bit.
And if I misunderstood- sorry !
She wouldn’t be my fiancé if I still felt bothered by something. She isn’t worth it.
How would it have looked if it was one of her girl friends and it was you that made the comment? What would’ve been her reaction?
If she genuinely meant it as a joke then I would say it’s not a huge deal, but it is also completely valid for you to not be comfortable with those type of jokes. Something that needs to be discussed openly for sure
Do it to her.
I’m a woman AND polyamorous and I’d call it rude. It’s one thing to mention that someone is attractive. It’s way different to assess them like prime Rib in front of a partner.
you got a sneak peak at the rest of your life with her.
believe her when she tells you who she is, OP
OP, this probably isn’t what you want to hear, but a few months ago I was engaged to someone I genuinely thought was my person. In the months before we broke up, she started acting in ways that felt totally out of character, very similar to what you describe. I kept being asked to sweep things under the rug and move on, even though there was no real accountability or effort to fix anything.
After we split, her mask came all the way off and I finally saw what was going on. That experience taught me how important it is to trust your gut. You set a boundary and the person you love brushed it aside. If I were in your shoes, I’d slow down and think hard about what that means long term.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them, and don’t twist yourself into knots making excuses for someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
One of my exes ended up cheating on me with/marrying the guy that, in her words, “couldn’t handle her”. She only said that he couldn’t handle her (as a joke) after i overheard her mentioning it to her friend that her new coworker was “really cute”. Idk, my life is so, so much better without her. Even my mom (literal angel) didn’t like her lol… funny to look back on it now because of how happy I am with the absolute love of my life. Praying for said husband I never got the chance to meet because of the cheating and stuff 💀
Does she often try to belittle you infront of people or was this a unique circumstance? If it was just one time I’d probably let it go but not if this is a common thing. I know my girlfriend and I would never put each other down like that in front of people, messing with each other alone is a different story
From experience.
That’s how it starts.
Little cutting remarks, nothing too outrageous. But it still stings.
At first’s it’s just one or two over a period of time, then it gets more and more frequent.
If you complain you’re told you are being sensitive and to man up or toughen up, something like that.
You’ll lay awake at night replaying those remarks in your head. Have arguments with yourself in the car.
And then one day, years later, another cutting remark and you just explode!
It’s a sign of disrespect and it won’t stop… ever.
How would she have reacted if the situation were reversed?
If it is still bothering you, talk to your friends who were there and see what they think? They might be able to give you some insight we don’t have as they know her better than we do.
If this isn’t something your girlfriend does often, then maybe it was just a bad joke. It happens, we say things that we don’t mean to come off as bad as they do.
But you should talk to your girlfriend again as well. Maybe in front of a therapist would help so that they can help you navigate yours and hers feelings on it and offer some ways to help you two get through this.
Whatever you do, you can’t sit there and let it fester like this. That never ends well and will only lead to hurt and resentment the longer you let it go on.
If she isn’t willing to go to a therapist with you when this is bothering you so much, that might be an answer in and of itself. I hope she is willing and that you two can work it out. Good luck.
There’s no concrete advice we could give you OP. Each person’s threshold and boundaries are different and there’s no one-size-fits-all kind of line.
I will say that if this bothered you, it’s probably because you’re already feeling disrespected and this comment brought that feeling to the surface.
Some people would be okay with it, and some wouldn’t. There’s no right or wrong. I would suggest talking it out with your partner openly.
Hope you can figure this out!!
It doesn’t matter what all these people say, and as usual its mostly framed from their own relationships and tolerances which doesn’t matter to you.
What are your values/what are hers? Did this comment go beyond those? Is this a regular occurrence or something out of the norm for you two?
The fact that neither of you were able to have a thoughtful and vulnerable conversation about this after the fact also speaks volumes. Is this how disagreements are normally met in your relationship? Do yall even know how to have this type of conversation? Again I want to reiterate that you need to ignore those people saying you are being too sensitive or whatever, do not compare yourself to their situation and personalities.
It sounds like you have some real thinking to do before any type of engagement, friend. Fwiw I would find that extremely disrespectful.
She didn’t apologize. She ignored your feelings. She blew you off. She treats you with contempt. That’s borderline abusive behavior. Time to move on.
I’ve told this before, but I will tell it again.
It was at my girlfriends, older brothers, engagement party.
I struggle socially (always have) but wanted to go obviously to show my love and support. We had discussed before if I ever need some ‘down time’ during social events to just go on my phone.
In the middle of a noisy party I needed that moment and started playing a game of Snake on my Nokia (this is how long ago it was). Then she started laughing at me with her friends and said infront of our mutual family and freinds *”Maybe you should go sit at the kids table. They might be talking more your speed?”*
I just left the room and started to head to the car. On my way through the house her grandparents bailed me up and asked *”sooooo when do you think it will be *your* turn for an engagement party?”* and I said…
*”When I find the right girl.”*
We broke up a few days later.
Never looked back.
If she had listened to you when you told her it bothered her the first time, you probably could have actually gotten over it.
Intention doesn’t negate impact. What she said bothered you and her refusing to acknowledge that and work through it until you felt better is the real problem.
It probably pisses you off because you know if the roles were reversed she would be livid but she is waiving it off like you’re the one with the problem.
Lady here but I haven’t seen anyone comment what I’m about to say. What she said could have been a joke, and you could have construed it as disrespectful. None of that really matters. Your feelings are valid. Her feelings are valid. And in a relationship when one person has a problem, you both have a problem and then you should both try to solve that problem… together.
When you came to her with your feelings, she disregarded those. And then minimized your feelings at the expense of making herself feel better. What a respectful partner would have said was “oh dang, it was meant as a joke and by bringing this to me, I can see that “joke” has upset you. That was not my intent but clearly it’s what’s happened. I’m sorry that my words hurt you. My perspective is this… what is yours and what about that hurt you” and then you can both suss out your individual expectations and boundaries around jokes, respect, public displays, etc”.
Now just because that’s not how she replied doesn’t mean the relationship is over. You both just don’t know how to navigate communicating effectively with each other yet. That’s part of a relationship, growing together instead of apart. Maybe a few therapy sessions to help you both figure out better ways to communicate and what you both could do for the other to heal the rift. If you guys play it right, you could end up stronger and with a better foundation than what you started with.