My best friend (26M, let’s call him Paul) and I (26M) have been inseparable for 15 years. We’ve basically been brothers since middle school, and we even lived together for 6 years. For years now, it’s been a dream of ours that one day we’d both find wives, go on all these fun double dates, and eventually conjoin families (since neither of us have brothers). But now it feels like all of that is falling apart, and more is starting to go with it.
Paul’s girlfriend (23F) is pretty quiet. They’ve been together about 5 years. I know her well, since she was around constantly so I practically lived with her too. She’s like a sister to me, although I’ll admit her immaturity can be frustrating sometimes. On the other side, I’ve been with my girlfriend (26F) for 3 years. She’s much more social, but she can also be very sensitive (I’m trying to remain unbiased).
When we first started dating, I really wanted the two of them to get along, but it completely backfired. Now it feels like they despise each other. My girlfriend tries to be friendly and social, but Paul’s girlfriend is so quiet and shy that she comes across as rude. It’s gotten to the point where my girlfriend hates being around her so much that she doesn’t even want to spend time with her anymore. So now every time Paul asks if I want to go on a double date, I have to awkwardly say no, because my girlfriend can’t stand being around his. I understand why she feels that way, and I don’t think she’s being unreasonable, but now it’s starting to affect my friendship with Paul.
And now there’s another layer to it.
My girlfriend and I have our own company, and Paul has his own business too. Paul’s business is now a client of ours. My girlfriend is great at event planning, influencer marketing, and brand relations. She’s done it professionally for five years at major companies, before starting our business with me.
But now Paul’s girlfriend has basically forced herself into the event planning for Paul’s business. Even though my girlfriend has already secured 15 brand sponsorships and built a huge guest list, Paul’s girlfriend has started emailing brands herself, giving excessive design input, and trying to influence Paul’s approvals/decisions. And if you know anything about marketing (or honestly just professionalism), double-emailing a brand for sponsorship makes you look disorganized and uncoordinated. So her just going and doing that is so dumb.
It almost feels like it’s coming from jealousy. What it feels like is Paul was really impressed with what my girlfriend was doing, and his girlfriend suddenly wanted to prove she could do it too. And since she doesn’t work and is basically a stay-at-home girlfriend, she has unlimited time to involve herself.
I don’t know what to do. It’s starting to bother me, but I don’t want to make anything awkward or create drama. At the same time, I can feel myself starting to resent Paul’s girlfriend too, and I hate that. I’m even considering pulling our company out of working with Paul, because I don’t want this dynamic to ruin our friendship. Paul is my brother, and I don’t want to lose him or let any of this get in the way. But I know how he can be defensive of his girlfriend.
What should I do?
TLDR: My best friend Paul and I have been like brothers for 15 years, but our girlfriends can’t stand each other. Right now, Paul’s business is now a client of mine and my girlfriend’s company. And even though my girlfriend has secured 15 sponsorships and is handling the event professionally, Paul’s girlfriend keeps inserting herself, emailing brands for herself and giving way too input. It feels driven by jealousy, and I’m starting to resent her, but I don’t want drama or to lose my best friend. What do I do?
28 comments
For this situation, it sounds like the girlfriend’s behavior is not acceptable or professional, regardless of your girlfriend’s and your feelings about her. You need to get your friend to tell his girlfriend to stop interfering with the business event that you’re planning, and set appropriate boundaries. If you frame it about the harm to the success of the business event and not about the personality clash/disliking his girlfriend, he will probably take it better. But ultimately, he’s the only one in a position to address her behavior.
Time to fire this client.
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> a stay-at-home girlfriend
That’s not a real thing. She’s just an unemployed moocher. It’s ok to be a homosexual I guess if that’s the kind of relationship her and Paul want to have. But lets not pretend she’s at home all day slaving over a hot stove with a newborn on her hip. She’s just unemployed but in a relationship.
But onto real advice. You should tell Paul that you can continue to have a business relationship but only if it’s exclusive. This double calling must stop or you will fire him as a client. You wish him and the GF well and hope this does not interfere with your personal relationship. But in terms of a business relationship it’s exclusivity or nothing.
Your alternative here is just to let him go as a client entirely, say you don’t have the capacity and there’s no hard feelings and since his GF wants to do the marketing you think that it might be a good idea if she just took it over entirely. So don’t really bring into the conversation anything negative about the GF, it’s simply an issue of not having the capacity to take on any Friends and Family type clients.
I agree with most of the takes here but I’m going to highlight something else.
Unless this other girl has treated your girlfriend poorly, just “not liking her” shouldn’t be enough to take steps to isolate you from your chosen family.
There’s loads of people I don’t want to be bff’s with (like *many* family members), but I’ll hang with them occasionally because they are important to my spouse. They aren’t bad people, we just don’t click. So what? I put on my big girl panties and go to dinners and do my best to treat the people *my person* loves fabulously, because I can put my own bs aside. Why can’t she?
This young girl is trying to be helpful and instead of bringing her into the fold you are excluding and resenting her.
She may be immature, but so are the two of you. If you lose your friend over this, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.
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You need to sit down with Paul and your girlfriend and both parties must have a clearer understanding of responsibilities and expectations going forward about working together because working with friends can get weird because of stuff like this.
Turn your feelings off and have a meeting as business associates. His girlfriend should be handling her own life. Her input in the company should be little to nil unless she is an actual employee and it is agreed upon that she help.
Your girlfriend has to stop taking things so personally. It’s ok to not be friends. Many of us work with people we don’t like.
At some point there might be a time where you and Paul will have to choose working together or saving your friendship if things aren’t handled well here.
> Paul’s girlfriend is so quiet and shy that she comes across as rude
Don’t be so quick to dismiss this. Does she “come across as rude” or is she ACTUALLY rude (like, does she just ignore your gf when she talks to her? Is she short or abrupt with her in a way that she isn’t to you or to her boyfriend? Does she make rude remarks and try to frame it like she’s just quiet/abrupt so nobody can call her out?)? Because her double-emailing companies to try to one-up your girlfriend IS rude, and she’s sabotaging her own boyfriend. And she’s clearly jealous of your gf.
It seems like nobody has enough of a spine to be honest or call the gf out. Meanwhile, you’re invalidating your own gf’s very reasonable issues with her.
They don’t have to be friends. It’s OK. Really.
But if she’s interfering with business, somebody needs to put their foot down, or maybe it’s best that you and Paul remain friends and keep business out of it entirely.
You’re so afraid of drama you’re allowing the business to be affected and your gf to be disrespected instead of speaking up.
If your friendship with Paul can’t survive honesty, it was never going to last anyway. And this is why it’s a terrible idea to mix business with friendships. Because either nobody wants to speak up so everything fails, or people get pissy and get their feelings hurt instead of being reasonable.
You’re so hellbent on “not creating drama” that you’re holding your tongue, at the expense of your gf. Stop trying to make her hang out with Paul’s girlfriend. Unless you want to wind up losing a friendship AND your girlfriend.
You are at the age where you have GOT to learn to have difficult conversations, especially wrt business.
Talk to Paul and get him to un-involve his GF in this, or it will tank your friendship. If he can’t/won’t, separate your business from the friendship and let them do it on their own. I work in events, and I think the GF will be uninterested when she’s not competing with your GF. Also don’t double date, just go hang out with Paul 1-on-1, don’t try to force the relationship with the girls anymore.
There are three relationships at play here (you and Paul, you and your gf, and Paul and his gf), they cannot and will not all survive this. Paul and his gf’s relationship is obviously out of your control. You can decide which relationship you want to invest in, or you can sit back and wait for that choice to be made for you. But the most likely outcome is that none of these relationships will survive in the longterm.
So it’s you and your Girlfriend’s company, and Paul’s company? Are you saying that Paul’s girlfriend is not on the payroll at his company, but she’s making decisions on their behalf? Is she part owner? If not that’s a big yikes.
So, given that suddenly the super quiet GF that can’t muster basic social pleasantries after knowing another woman for 3 yrs ….now suddenly is inserting herself in this planning, reaching out to strangers, overly engaging?
dude. she’s weaponized the “quiet” bullshit so she can be rude to your GF while playing the victim.
you need to set boundaries and stop trying to force these two women to interact. Your friend needs to control her as her behavior is interfering with BUSINESS. this isn’t just friend shit anymore. This is gross and unprofessional – and you really need to consider ever working with him again after this – or hell, just fire them now as a client.
this is where the whole “don’t shit where you eat” comes in
If you value your relationships you will fire your friend as a client.
Sounds like your friend’s girlfriend is a covert narcissist. Shy and reserved, but malicious and manipulative behind the scenes. Then plays victim when called on the carpet. When she talks about herself is it often self deprecating? Does she exhibit passive aggressive behavior? Honestly, you need to have a heart to heart with your friend. He really shouldn’t hitch himself to someone like that. She will sabotage his business so she can “save” it. Or she will do something your friend can’t recover from.
shes not worth the friendshipsimple as that. His sobriety choice has nothing to do with her drama, and this is him pussyfooting around the problem.
You’re so quick to judge ur best friends gf when your own gf cheated on her last bf and wants to go partying often. Maybe there’s a reason why she doesn’t want to be friends with your gf !!!
“My GF is starting to ick me out “
This is work you need to tell Paul his gf his hurting the business
You need to handle the professional and personal issues separately and focus on what you actually have control over.
Professionally, you should end the business relationship. Until you can, there should be better communication regarding Brand outreach. You can’t stop his gf from reaching out to companies but you can provide documentation of which companies your gf has contacted.
Personally, you need to accept that your gf doesn’t like his. It seems like his gf is fine with hanging out together so I don’t see why there would be any issues with the three of you doing things together.
I think you’re withholding information, or unintentionally missing something. Actually, id bet your own girlfriend is instigating the behavior with the other gf. There’s a difference between being actually friendly, and whatever she is doing.
Maybe you and your friend should both consider separating your partners from interfering with work. But I don’t think I personally like any of the people involved in this so, whatever.
I mean, you have to see how the problem isn’t JUST that the girlfriends don’t get along, it’s that you’ve all involved yourselves in each other’s livelihoods. That’s a LOT of pleasure mixed in with your business. The lesson is not to go into business with your best friend so quickly when your girlfriend is ALSO you business partner. I know there are a lot of couples in business together but honestly there are a lot dysfunctional small businesses out there. You have to be real careful with that dynamic. You’ve crossed one too many streams here.
> For years now, it’s been a dream of ours that one day we’d both find wives, go on all these fun double dates, and eventually conjoin families
So you and your best friend decided exactly how your romantic lives and future family lives would look like, and you both expect your future wives to just go along with the plan that’s already been set out for them?
“Please marry me and help me fulfill my dream with my buddy to conjoin families.”
“Uhh…do I get a say in this?”
Your relationship with Paul is just that: between the two of you. Your relationship with your girlfriend doesn’t involve him, and his relationship with his girlfriend doesn’t involve you.
Obviously the business side is another matter (and you should definitely talk to him about him having a third-party interfere with your work), but you need to let go of this idea that you can just direct future partners like they’re actors fulfilling a role on stage.
“I’m really close with my buddy Paul, I see him as a brother and intend to maintain a tight friendship with him for the rest of my life” is acceptable.
“Paul and I have decided that the wives and kids we don’t even have yet will hang out regularly, share holidays and go on vacations together, so being in a relationship with me means signing up for that,” is not.
Bruh…..looking at your post history with the problems with your girlfriend….phew.
Has Paul asked your girlfriend to provide these services, and then his gf has overstepped and inserted herself into the organisation event planning marketing? Just want to clarify as it’s not clear. It seems services have been given but not sure if any have been actually requested:engaged on a professional level. Basically i would see a big different between ‘my gf had given her professional services for free to my mate and his gf has also
Offered her help ( even if she doesn’t have the same level of experience as your gf) and my mate has engaged the professional services of my gf and his inexperienced gf butted in and is causing issues and making him look unprofessional…’ He’s your friend and has been with her for 5 yrs surely you trust his judgement somewhat and perhaps his gf could be very socially awkward and desperate to contribute particularly because she’s been unemployed for a long while.it could be a lot less insidious or nefarious than it seems… I’m not saying she shouldn’t just sit
Back and let the experienced person do what they know best but it tracks difference if its a one for all, all for one situation as opposed to my gf has been professionally hired to do this job and shes butting in..
My biggest advice would to be not let them get between you and your friend. It will end up being a big lifetime regret if the two of you breakaway from each other. It seems like you both have an amazing bond.
I would just hang out with your friend separately and don’t force the girlfriends to interact with each other under any circumstances. Don’t take about his girlfriend with your girlfriend either.
Mixing relationship and girlfriends with business arrangements?
Oooo not a good idea. You need to figure out how to untangle all this.
It’s going to work out for the best if you and Paul keep your business dealings separate. The girlfriends are not going away. If Paul wants his gf involved, that’s on him. If his business suffers it is on him to make changes.
In other words Paul has to pick — your company or keeping his gf happy. You will need to have a conversation (just you and Paul) about the direction he wants to take. You need to find new clients too.
My guess is he picks her.
Finish the job and don’t take anymore work from him without a contract that spells out the specifics on expectations. Go out to a bar every Saturday at 5pm with Paul tell the ladies where you two will be and they are welcome to join. This is needed to start fresh and you need to break them down to see you two are brothers and they need to figure it out between them.