I 23F have been questioning my relationship with my fiance 22M We have been together for almost 5 years. We only ever argue a little bit but when we do it feels like our problems are unresolved. I felt like everything i have asked him went unheard and he continued to not do anything I've asked him to or he would do the bare minimum of it. I have also been keeping our relationship up for the 4 years, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. He has been off and on different jobs for the last 4 years and because of that he hasn't been able to help with a lot of the bills or help pay rent. I told him I would support us but now its just getting exhausting.
On top of this I felt like he hasn't been trying to keep the love or romance in our relationship. He swears he loves me but I have planned every date (I know its been difficult bc of his jobs but I told him if he planned something I wouldn't mind paying for it)
I cheated on him 2 years ago and it did take a toll on our relationship and we said we would work through it which we did, so he is not the complete issue in our relationship.
He's been great through out the relationship other than these issues which I feel like has hurt me through the relationship. I mean hes really sweet and would do anything for me.
I feel like I've told him what I've wanted in our relationship but I haven't gotten it from him.
I initiated a break up and now I am so confused on if I want it to happen or not. I know im leaving my comfort and thats why im hesitant but these past days he has looked so sad and it makes me feel worst.
My friends thinks its best for me to leave him and I feel like im disappointing them if I dont. And its came to the point of I don't know what I want and I just want an outside perspective.
3 comments
you feel ‘guilty’ looking at his sadness and ‘disappointing’ looking at your friends. this highlights a struggle for autonomy. we are responsible for our own feelings, not others. if you stay to stop him from being sad or to make friends happy, you arent meeting your own need for integrity.
also it is common to confuse ‘he is a sweet person’ with ‘he is a functional partner for my life’. you can love someone deeply and still recognize that your needs for partnership and reliability are not being met.
I think breaking up is the right move. Yes, it’s difficult to see him sad, but the alternative is spending your life with somebody who has shown no ability to keep a job, no contribution to rent, never planned a date…it’s just not worth it. Accept that the next few months will be difficult as you transition out of this relationship, but it will all be worth it in the long run.
Don’t think about your friends think of you. Think of where you wanna be in the next 5 years of your life. Do you see a light at the end of the tunnel or are you just trudging through darkness. Things get hard, things get easier in relationships but I feel like if you genuinely trust that person, can smile with that person and can honestly speak to that person it’s worth trying for. But also remember you are only 23 and what do you want YOUR life to look like. Paying to sustain somebody else is a lot to deal with in your twenties… are you able to save money? Enjoy leisurely activities with friends and family?
Look I say this as a 23 year old girl who’s been with my boyfriend (24) for 4 years now. He’s also had his ups and downs with work but I always supported him. I’ve given him a lot of money during lows and he’s repaid me and more too during highs. He’s currently in a low period but I don’t have to financially care for him. Okay I work a good job – I’ll cover his half of our Valentines cabin, the dates are not reliable right now, Christmas gift I did not receive anything fancy but he tries. He makes me laugh and I trust him. Small things to cover I see no issues. 4 years of groceries and bills… with no end in sight…. Idk about that.