I [31F] and my [31M] husband have been together for over 13 years and this incident happened during my birthday party. We converted our garage to a gaming/event room where we throw parties on multiple occasions and we even host DnD every Friday night with the same people who attended the party.
There were about seven people there and only a handful of them were drinking heavily including me. This is a really complicated situation and I’m sorry in advance if I don’t make any sense. Towards the end of the night I was in a corner with the man who touched me ( we’ll call him Dustin) and his friend (we’ll call him Tim). I always dress up and wear costumes/sparkles for each themed event we host. Dustin randomly asked if he could use some of my sparkles, so I gave them the bottle not thinking much of it because he often does dress up when we throw parties that involve costumes. Tim held the bottle while he put sparkles on Dustin’s hand and then the next thing I know his hand is down the front of my shirt grabbing at my bare chest.
Dustin then removed his hand from my top and looked at his friend Tim who then put more sparkles in his hand and again he forcefully put his hand back down my shirt. They tried doing it a third time before I realized what just happened (I was extremely drunk and my reaction response was non existent) and I began trying to get the F@$k away from them. As I was backing up out of the corner of the room, my husband returned from the bathroom. Just then Dustin grabbed the glitter bottle and started smearing glitter on everyone’s faces trying to make things look less suspicious in my opinion. I know this sounds ridiculous, I’m still in shock. I have no idea how to tell my husband because if I do tell him, obviously he’s going to explode. Then there goes his DnD group, because both Dustin and Tim are in it. All of our friends are friends with each other so this will spread like wildfire. I’m so scared of the repercussions this may cause for everyone. What if they accuse me of lying? Plus, I keep asking myself… there were other people in the room. How did no one else notice??
I know you may think wearing sparkles and dressing up as a 31 year old woman is childish or absurd but I go all out for my parties. I decorate, provide all the food and drinks, I thought I was providing something for these people to look forward to but now I feel like a fool. I also trusted Dustin, he’s never done anything like this before. How do I tell my Husband without him going nuclear? Sorry if I don’t respond, I’m not doing very well right now. A lot of things have happened in a short amount of time and this on top of everything else made life unbearable.
24 comments
The DnD group is *already* over. You have to tell him, and please file a police report. It may not result in anything but by filing a report you can make it easier to pin a future conviction on him and protect other women from being victimized by him, because **he will do it again**.
OP , must sit your husband down and tell him the truth, before lies spread , and you become the cheating spouse
updateme
Oh that’s icky . Especially when you trust the people you hang out with and have that trust violated ? Were they heavily intoxicated ?
Just tell him.
You’ve been victimized and he’s your husband. If he goes nuclear, it shouldnt be on you. Just be truthful.
And get the cops involved if you feel comfortable. I doubt this is the first time Dustin has done this to someone given how brazen he was.
Sorry this happened to you. Hope you get justice.
Tell husband and tell the police.
To the last part: you are not a fool. It did not matter what you were wearing! Touching you without your consent is never okay and is never your fault!!
Just tell him however you want and when you are ready. Don’t be afraid of his reaction. You did not cause it! And whatever happens to your friend group is not your fault! It’s the two assholes fault who assaulted you! Please don’t blame yourself!
I’m crying for you. I believe you. It’s not your fault.
There is no set of circumstances that I wouldn’t not believe or not consider it to be sexual assault if my wife accused ANYONE of grabbing her breasts. Over or under a shirt.
You have to tell him. Some of your friends will believe you and there’s always a chance some of them don’t believe you…but you were SA’d.
It reminds me of the time I was at this club and being polite to this guy who was sitting down as I was standing up…and I wasn’t even shaking my butt or going crazy…I was simply just bobbing to the music and smiling back at him and looking around awkwardly because I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad for liking me or trying to talk to me…and out of nowhere he GRABS my boob. I was so embarrassed…in front of his friends..his friends are looking at me like they’re next…(I’m not at my own table for whatever drunken reason…I let these men pull me to their table given I was looking for my friend and their table would prop me up enough to get an eagle eye view of the club)….and this random boy just grabs my boob like I’m some sort of escort service.
I’ll never forget it. And I’ve been full on r***d…but even with that…it didn’t lessen how violated, scared, and embarrassed I felt.
I instinctively slapped the shit out of him. He apologized and I walked away and found my friend within minutes.
But I have been grabbed before where I just tried to flee. That night my fight instincts were active over my flight response. So you are not at fault is what I’m saying…you tried to escape that was you responding no. You being drunk was you saying no…you being married is you saying no. At no point did you ask for your boob to be grabbed. You were violated.
You need to tell your husband because those two are both POS and you didn’t deserve it no matter how drunk you were. They full throttle cornered and took advantage of you while your husband was away…and then went on to deliberately sprinkle glitter on others as a smoke screen.
I’m so sorry you went through this OP.
And btw…as a 31F myself…I think your DnD all out sparkles included event sounds pretty cool. ✨
Those POS are not cool and dangerous for the friend group truly.
You have to tell him. His friends suck. You don’t want them in your group or at your house again, trust me. If you don’t tell your husband they’ll take that as an invite to do it again, maybe worse. It’ll suck for a bit, but you and your husband have each other to get through this.
Tell him ASAP don’t wait till the weekend. He’s gonna feel like shit no matter what but even worse if he’s been texting or chatting with the 2 dudes that groped his wife
You should talk to your husband ASAP. If you’re finding it hard to explain everything, you can simply show him this post. It’s important that he hears it directly from you, before anyone else says something that could be misunderstood or twisted. If he learns about it from others, it might create unnecessary confusion or even turn against you. Letting him know yourself, at the earliest, is the best and safest approach.
“How do I tell my husband without him going nuclear?”
?????? He should go nuclear, the whole friend group should. Both the person that did it and the person that watched/aided should be removed from the group and there’s no other way around that. You have no idea what they might do to anyone else and don’t know what they already have done.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You were SA’d in your own house by people you trusted. You being drunk has nothing to do with it – you thought you were in a safe space with safe people.
There is no delicate way to tell your husband, but he absolutely needs to know. If it was my husband, I would be seriously worried for the other men because my husband would want to murder them (he wouldn’t, of course).
The dnd group is over – they destroyed it when they had the audacity to SA you. They have no respect for you or your husband.
Tell him immediately. You shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
Your truly the sweetest to think about your husbands feelings first but I am positive your husband will support you and would rather care about your wellbeing then his drunk non friends who harassed you. You deserve justice, Im so sorry there are gross people among us.
If someone had assaulted your husband, would you want him to keep it from you so you could continue hosting his abusers unaware? I’m sorry this happened to you you didn’t deserve that.
Your physical and mental safety is more important than preserving the friend group. Your husband deserves the truth about his friends. You won’t be able to make new friends if you’re scared of bringing new people, especially women, around them now too. They’re creeps and I’m sorry they put you in that situation.
Reading this made me furious. They assaulted you, and here you are worrying about everyone else but you. I can’t remember when I’ve last been so angry reading a Reddit post.
First off, none of this, NONE of this is your fault. You could’ve been parading around in a slinky cocktail dress and it still wouldn’t have been your fault. If you’re still wearing sparkles and glitter well into your 70s, more power to you! Don’t ever change.
Secondly, you must tell your husband immediately. Tell him exactly what you wrote here. Maybe write it in a document, structure it, a factual account of the events as they happened, and read it to him or have him read it. But tell him ASAP before these a-holes spin a narrative.
Also state clearly why you didn’t tell him as soon as it happened. I can find some articles about the response to assault that sometimes causes victims to freeze, if you think that will be needed.
(Edit: hit reply before I was finished)
You haven’t said anything about your relationship with your husband, but if he’s a good guy, he will support you no matter what.
You mustn’t concern yourself with the state of the DND group. You cannot accept this assault for the sake of keeping the group together. To do so would cause them to escalate. And they’re the ones who are to blame.
These guys are predators who deserve whatever’s coming to them. Please don’t let them make yourself small to accommodate them. You have done nothing wrong. They accepted your hospitality in graciously hosting these events, and repaid you in the most vile, humiliating way possible.
Stand tall and stand your ground. A legion of Redditors has your back!
Good luck, OP! You got this!!
I had a similar thing some years ago. My girlfriend (Now ex) playing with my friends pathfinder. I was the DM.
At first all good, we play for some months. But one day my ex told me one of my friends harrasing her when i was talking with other players or in the bathroom. No one of my other friends saw that, but i believe her.
The campaing continue without him and all my others friends understand me and my ex.
I think your husband can understand you and he should support you.
Tell him that you need to go to the police department to file a report for sexual assault, and you wish for him to accompany you.
I don’t care how long I’d been friends with someone, if they did that to my wife I’d want her to tell me and I’d then go handle it.
People have given you good advice but I want to remind you **this is not your fault** You are allowed to dress up and wear sparkles, and drink on your birthday. Especially when you are with people you would expect to feel safe around.
Tell the husband ASAP. Research in cognitive psychology confirms that people are highly prone to believing the first story or version of events they hear.
I understand your hesitation but absolutely tell him and never invite those asshats over again.
Why do men feel entitled to women’s bodies?!?!? It’s infuriating. 🤬
Please don’t let them get away with it. So many people don’t report and it only benefits the ones who do the bad shit. I don’t care how drunk they were. They knew it was wrong because they stopped when your husband came in.
These two guys are no friend of yours and no friend of your husband. I would tell your husband right away and tell him that they were both there right in front of you and it was hard to stop what they were doing, but you have to tell him being quiet only makes things worse for you.